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Severe PPD scared; pls help

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Severe PPD scared; pls help

Postby rogcol » Thu Jun 05, 2008 1:36 am

I am 28 yrs old and in so much pain, anguish, suffering, etc.
I have a genetic history of mental illness, that is a given, and I have been dealing with mental pain since as far as I can remember.
However, it seems for each new phase of my life it is a new type of mental illness.
I have a 16 mo old and I feel like I developed severe PPD once she was born.
I have worked since I was 16 and I became a stay at home mom just like that.
it was such a hard adjustment.
My husb. was in the construction industry so he worked from sun up to sun down basically and was pretty much non-existent for our daughters first 12-13 mos.
I felt like I was a single mother. Even after I had a full day of caring for her when he would come home he still wouldn't be kind enough to take her off my hands and bathe or give her bottle and put her to bed, etc. Than her midnight and early AM feedings were me also b/c he was to work the next day so it was my duty.
it always was me, me me.
I began to resent him and kind of her and fell out of love with him really.
I still love my daughter so much that it hurts but the PPD got so bad that I got thoughts of bad things happening to her and they would be situational.
example; my dog came close to her head and I had a vision of her biting a chunk in her head.
In cars I would invision an accident and see her getting crushed.
than I couldn't take her in the pool and bathing her was hard cause I was afraid she would drown.
than this spiraled into thoughts of ME doing these things and wondering if I was capable of
harming my precious child in these ways?
We have since moved out of state and actually lost our home due to the horrible mortgage crisis that has occurred.
needless to say, we have had the worse year (2007) of our lives and subsequently this was supposed to be the best yr of our lives. Our first child, flesh and blood arrived and it was nothing like what we had hoped and planned.
so now we are moved, I am doing so-so, I am on meds, prozac, fluvox and klonopin, I am seeing a therapist and she is helping a bit but god these intrusive thoughts are soooo tough and I need some help from someone who is in my shoes or who has been there.
please someone, tell me I am not crazy and that there is hope for me.
I cry almost everyday and cringe when I think of hurting her.
How could I? she is just so perfect and innocent. why why why why is this happening???
Lately, as in the past couple days, my thoughts have kind of almost switched to not so much hurting her but now I am obsessing alot about do I really love her? I look at her things and say ghee, theres more of her things, its all her......
I feel strong resentment and almost unsure if I love her.
is this normal?? have any of you ever questioned your love or true feelings for your own child/ren?
please someoen help me, I am sooo soooo scared and I reallty have noone.
My husb. has gotten a bit better but he really does not understand this and truly cannot help me.
thanks~
rogcol
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Postby Chucky » Mon Jun 09, 2008 12:12 am

Hi,

My mother told me numerous times that she suffered PPD after one of my older brothers was born. The fact is that PPD is a common thing that mothers go through. It is due to an imbalance in hormones in the body. Basically, the endocrine system of the mother tries to 'readjust' to normal levels but some people, such as yourself, need medication to assist in this 'readjustment' phase.

The point is, however, that it will not last forever. You will eventually get their. I would not expect your husband to understand but if he read some literature on the subject of PPD, then he will understand. Maybe you can pop around to your local GP and pick up some leaflets.

Kevin.
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Re: Severe PPD scared; pls help

Postby danadear » Mon Mar 08, 2010 2:14 am

I do not know if all women have the same exact thoughts. But I do know, that you are on the right track by taking your meds and seeing someone. Loving your daughter isn't a question. If you didn't love her, you wouldn't be seeing someone to help you with your thoughts and you wouldn't be here for advice. I think your mind is just trying to play tricks on you. You stay strong and know that your little girl loves you more than you could ever know...Try to take joy in knowing that she will grow up being a beautiful productive member of society because of your upbringing. Good luck momma, I know it's not always easy..and men can be a bit inconsiderate when it comes to taking some of the weight off of our shoulders. Just know that you are not alone in the almost-a single-mom role. Hang in there and stay strong!!!
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