I just don't care...

Firstly I have Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder already. Secondly I had my daughter five months ago. For the first few months I defied all the odds and dealt with it all really well, had overwhelming love for her and generally felt stable and happy. In the last couple of months I've had depression, not specific to motherhood though, in fact I felt very much looking after my daughter was the ONE thing I could do. But as the depression has lifted gradually, now I'm still low on and off and very tired all the time, but mostly stable in mood if not specifically happy, but happy sometimes. But my feelings for my daughter are weak a lot of the time. Like she's not mine, I don't wish her harm but I guess I don't care in a way although I love her very much and do care, the emotional feeling isn't there. That rush of love. I just don't have the energy to love her. And every time I see my husband playing with her and obviously adoring her it pains me because I want to feel the same but just don't. Sometimes I do but not enough. Not often enough. And this worries me so much. I am being medicated my various ailments including the current depression and seeing a therapist but I'm afraid to tell her how I feel, in case somehow she'd see me as a bad mother and tell social services and so on. I know that is paranoid thinking but yet I can't help worrying. I guess my problem is I do love her but don't have the energy to show it to her or even to myself most of the time. And I guess that will get better with continued drug and talking therapy and time but at the same time I worry it'll be like that forever. I do play with her and talk to her but it feels fake. And I don't do it enough. I don't do anything enough.

Hello Bi-Polar Bear, I'm a moderator from the bipolar forum and believe me you are in good company. Besides having BP I, I also went through Postpartum depression with all 3 of my babies.

I am no doctor, but speaking from experience what you share about not "feeling" the love for your daughter, especially after already knowing you have felt that in the beginning right after she was born, tells me that it definitely could be the bipolar sneaking up on you. Even as my girls got older, 11, 14, 15, if I am depressed I just don't seem to care. I force myself to make them a meal, because if I actually had the choice I'd just go to my room and not come out. But I do the necessary things a mom needs to do because it must be done. Even if I don't feel like I particularly enjoy doing it. Depression takes away all feeling sometimes. I know this because I've gone through it and that was how I felt. I couldn't enjoy doing simple things like going to the park and letting them play. Enjoying seeing them smile and laugh and having a great time. It was the depression there. But don't worry with the right meds and the right dosage, it lifts and you will be yourself again. Just give it time. And don't believe those lies that you are thinking right now. Also, as a mom who has gone to a therapist, I'd consider talking to someone professional like that because it's safe and they are professionals and they don't judge. They truly don't. As a mom and sufferer of bipolar, and someone who has gone through PPD or just plain depression, I understand and I empathize with you. Feel free to chat on here like we are doing or drop me a PM. Big Hugs

Hugs to, you. I have bipolar 1 and several anxiety disorders. Not BPD, but I am familiar with it .... having both conditions and motherhood....well, I understand a lot of where you’re coming from and no judgment from me, at all. I’m a mom, too. It’s TOUGH when they are so young and totally dependent.

On another note, please talk to your therapist about how you feel. I can’t give official legal advice, it I’m familiar with that area of the law from my profession....and social services will not be “in touch,” in my opinion. There is no imminent danger of harm or neglect happening. You’re ok there and You have my support. Talk to your therapist, it’s fine.

PS: Two things....I think you need your own time and also time with just you and your H. Express those needs. I wish I’d have been more assertive about that....life is the family, not revolving around the child, IMO. OH...another thing. It gets MUCH easier .... mine is a healthy, happy teen (she doesn’t like children! ).

xo