Our partner

My wife and PPD. Please help.

Postpartum Depression message board, open discussion, and online support group.

My wife and PPD. Please help.

Postby jl521 » Tue Feb 19, 2013 8:32 pm

Hello all...this is a very long one, but I hope some will take time to read it and respond.
I am a 27 year old dad of 2 children. My son is 6 and my newborn daughter is 5 months. My wife had PPD after our first, but I felt like there was a lot of blame to go around with that. For starters, we moved away from family for my first "real" job out of college when I was 22 and my son was only a few months old. I was gone for work from about 8:30 in the morning until 7:30 at night. So, my wife without the help of friends or family was taking care of my son non stop all day. On top of that, we were poor as dirt, filing bankruptcy, and had a song with colic that we didn't know was colic for the first year. She wasn't working to top it all off, so she was just home with a screaming baby all day and most of the night alone. We moved from the suburbs and into the city after about 8 months in our first apartment in the area, and things got worse. Eventually I'm sure you don't call it postpartum anymore but just depression. On top of all of that, I was faithful to my wife but far from the husband I needed to be. I didn't treat her with respect. I called names when I got angry. I got angry a lot. I was never physically abusive but I would come right out and admit that I was emotionally abusive. Dinner at the dinner table was pure silence. After 2 and a half years of that, she told me she wanted to get a job. I was upset. I was angry that she had this "golden opportunity" to stay home and give my son the life he deserves and she wants to blow it all away by being selfish and going to work. Of course, I was far from supportive, and I know that my actions and my words were wrong in this instance and every instance leading up to it. She started working part time, and it quickly became full time. Even though I got used to it and liked the extra money, things were not improving. One day, "the talk" came. My wife, my highschool sweetheart, told me she wasn't happy any more. She didn't feel connected to me any more. She didn't miss me when I was gone. Ouch, ouch, and ouch. All of these things I deserved, I guess I just never expected to hear it. We were the "lucky ones" who found love young and saw it through as far as everyone on the outside looking in was concerned. Now we live 2 hours away and as far as I'm concerned, we're looking at separating. What will we do now? Because of deplorable conditions at the house we were renting, we again moved to the suburbs and rented another house. It didn't take long before I became upset at her spending al ot of time on the phone with a guy we know. She asked if we could take some time apart. I obliged and stayed with a friend for about a month. Over that time, we texted frequently, even went to dinner and talked on the phone. I came home after a month and I did a complete 180 in the way I acted and the way I treated her. After 2 and a half years of being the new changed me, we decided to have a second child. I asked if she felt that our relationship was now healthy enough for a child, and she assured me that she was perfectly happy and was ready to take this step.

We took about 4-5 months to get pregnant, maybe even a bit longer, but in October welcomed our newborn daughter. Now my wife works full time and is making great strides in her career while also attending school - she even got a promotion about 3 weeks ago. She has frequently told me that she feels like a terrible mother and a terrible wife. I have assured her over and over that she is a wonderful wife and a wonderful mother. She seems very distant so it caused me to become irrationally afraid that there is an extramarital affair occuring. Any actual evidence? No. But she for a long time now has had issues with my being around her phone. At one point she was even sleeping with it under her pillow. These things concerned me, and I don't think that's abnormal. Even at our worst, and even during our very intense, gut wrenching conversations she has told me she has never wanted to cheat on me nor will she. But my brain wouldn't stop. I have told her that I notice a difference in my mental state when I am not getting intimate with her - which we aren't. She said that doing anything sexual is pure torture for her because she has such awful body image issues right now. She had lost 25 lbs right before getting pregnant and has struggled to get it all back off (despite everyone telling her that after only 2 weeks they couldn't believe she had just had a baby). She has been "taking care of me" but I am unable to reciprocate. I don't mean to be too graphic, I just want to give the whole story.

She is on Xanax for anxiety and as a sleep aid (diagnosed insomniac), and on lexapro for depression. She was on these types of drugs before the baby, didn't take them during pregnancy and I think seemed mostly fine and was even sleeping pretty well (she used to sleep 2-3 hours per night before being on a sleep aid).

Despite that, last night we had another "talk" that was very painful and is painful for me to even share. With a 5 month old daughter and a very sweet 6 year old boy, my wife told me she doesn't feel connected to me, doesn't feel that I'm doing my best as a husband, I don't help out with the baby enough, and that she loves me but isn't "in love" with me. She relayed a story about how her boss who she despises was telling her about doing some little things for his wife while she was pregnant and how she wished I was more like him when it came to that. Thing is, last time, I recognized a problem. I knew we had grown apart. The bedroom was silent. Dinner was silent. We rarely got along. This time, I thought I was doing everything right. I really did. Of course I had my moments, but for the most part, I felt like I was mostly being a loving, supporting husband, and a good dad. Last time, I was very upset but went to bed all the same. Last night I literally didn't sleep. I tried but was so nauseated and couldn't keep from tossing and turning that I finally gave up sleeping. I left work early today because I am so nauseated at the thought of becoming a divorced part-time father to my kids. My family is my life. When my wife asked me what I was thinking about when she woke up this morning, I told her bluntly that I was wondering what we would do regarding our housing situation, and asked if she might have somewhere to stay. She didn't seem too upset, but as we talked through the day, it sounds like again she wants to try to work things out. She says it's partly me but she also thinks that she has "gone crazy". I knew she had all the signs of PPD before so that wasn't news, and she has said a thousand times in the past 4 months how she feels like a terrible wife and mother, so again, none of that is news.

I just can't tell, at this point, if I'm on a sinking ship, or if this marriage really can be salvaged if she gets in to see a psychiatrist and is perhaps put on new drugs to help he control her emotions. She is going to the doctor today because she has even told me that she has thought that if she just ended her life then things would be easier and I would "get someone I deserve" instead of her.

To anyone with experience, does this sound like run of the mill PPD, or severe PPD, or is this even beyond PPD? Or do you think she will just never be happy with the guy who treated her like crap 6 years ago? Does anyone who has experienced PPD felt the same way my wife does? I have done my best for 3 years. Try not to fight, apologize when I'm wrong, absolutely no name calling, always try to consider her feelings. I just don't know that I haven't given my best already, which makes me wonder when another "talk" might happen.
jl521
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Tue Feb 19, 2013 7:57 pm
Local time: Wed Sep 19, 2018 4:30 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: My wife and PPD. Please help.

Postby jl521 » Mon Feb 25, 2013 4:17 pm

I guess my post was too long.
jl521
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Tue Feb 19, 2013 7:57 pm
Local time: Wed Sep 19, 2018 4:30 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: My wife and PPD. Please help.

Postby IndigoMoon » Wed Mar 13, 2013 2:59 pm

I'm sorry no one had responded to your post, but I am certain that it has nothing to do with you. This particular forum seems to be inactive for whatever reason. And I think your post is the first since 2012.

I am certainly no professional and can only give my opinion, but I hope italy help you and your family.

It does sound like your wife certainly needs to be evaluated by a professional for PPD. Particularly, as she has experienced it before and may be more susceptible to it again.

As for the other issues you brought up. It is obvious that you love your wife and family very very much. And she loves you. Don't give up on them or yourself. You sound like a decent man who made mistakes in the past like we all have, and has worked hard to overcome them and change. You and your family have faced a lot of struggles and stress over the years. And those situations can really take a toll on our relationships.

I would suggest you and your wife seek some counselling. A good counsellor will be able give you both tools to get back on the same page in your marriage, tools to help you work through the stresses and struggles life can bring - as a team, and help you both address some of the other things you mention as well.

Your family is worth fighting for, and sometimes we just need someone from outside the chaos to help us find the tools we need. That is what counselling is there for :) don't get discouraged

I wish you and your family the very best!
Diagnosed
1983: Clinical Depression
2001: PTSD, ADHD, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
2005: Ultra Rapid-Cycling Bipolar 2/ Schizoaffective Disorder

Living Medication-Free successfully by choice since 2010

" There are two ways to enter the final chamber, free or not free. The choice is ours." Jean-Paul Sartre
IndigoMoon
Consumer 1
Consumer 1
 
Posts: 22
Joined: Sat Feb 16, 2013 3:07 pm
Local time: Wed Sep 19, 2018 9:30 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: My wife and PPD. Please help.

Postby angienvm31 » Sun Feb 25, 2018 11:44 pm

I know that is has been a few years. If you wouldn't mind, could you share an update with us. If you do not wish to, i
understand.
angienvm31
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 1
Joined: Sun Feb 25, 2018 11:40 pm
Local time: Wed Sep 19, 2018 5:30 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: My wife and PPD. Please help.

Postby bunnyhabit » Fri Jun 29, 2018 9:45 am

This sounds way beyond PPD but rather long term emotional abuse and stress resulting in deep depression. She definitely would benefit from professional depression therapy. i heard nothing that would indicate physical Infidelity. i think she did flirting on line with men to try to achieve some self worth and wetness. you both need long term marriage counseling to have any hope of mending a toxic history. she seems well worth the effort from your lengthy review of your treatment of her.

my hubby is strict with me about association with other men, how well off i am with him caring for me but i get depressed with being alone most of the time with our son and his belief i should always want sex with him. we almost never argue over major issues. i had PPD for three months after birthing but feeling was much different than current emotional depression. i am seeing a depression therapist and improving a lot and learning to accept my hubby's treatment as quite normal for a black man with an asian wife thanks to my therapist. i now understand that his primary motivation is loving me and fear of losing me to someone else. his beliefs are typical for a man in an interracial marriage with a much younger wife (21 years age gap) from guidance i have received from counseling.

dont give up on this woman help her to find happiness with you and your children. i am hoping how my husband treats me will shine so light on a path you can follow.
bunnyhabit
Consumer 1
Consumer 1
 
Posts: 22
Joined: Thu Jun 28, 2018 4:02 am
Local time: Wed Sep 19, 2018 6:30 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)


Return to Postpartum Depression Forum




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 3 guests