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if i could heal from this cptsd, can i find happiness ?

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if i could heal from this cptsd, can i find happiness ?

Postby DarknessGirl44 » Tue Oct 01, 2019 5:03 am

i have been on this site 3 years ago but i lost my password so i made a new account, because i am having too much on my mind and i really can use your help again.
i live in a theocratic country, somewhere in one of the gulf countries,
the way my parents raised me caused me a lot of stress in my life
i was not allowed to have male friends (i mean in a non sexual way) i mean everything here is separate based on gender,
my father was extremely strict and there were numerous times when he abused me physically to make me disciplined, even over silly minor things his first choice was always physical discipline, he feels no guilt or shame for what he did, he believes that he owns me as much as he owns his car or his house, i had no true value as a human being and he was very clear with me on this fact, maybe he loved me in his own sick twisted messed up violent way, but i don't think his good intentions (if existent) count since he used it as an excuse to cause me a Cptsd.

i was not allowed to have normal life, i have spent most of my childhood, teenage-hood and early adulthood indoors, i wasn't allowed to leave the house except for school/collage, and i was lucky that my father allowed me to go to a collage, in my country the father/male guardian is to decide if a female of his family can work/study/get a surgery,

i wasn't very happy, my dad choose the collage i went to, and i had absolutely nothing to say about it,
no matter how good i was in high school, i couldn't decide my own way in life,
years have passed and i got my degree few months ago,

i am 25 years old now,
and i have been thinking that i have the most important decades of life,
i have spent my youth and the supposedly best years of my life being mistreated, abused, denied of any human rights,

so i have been wondering if i have put the time and effort into getting out of this country into a better one, and if i worked out my way through my depression and my cptsd,
is there anything in life left for me ?
i wasn't supposed to be born in this terrible place, it's just not fair
all the things that i have to deal with and work on just because i was born to a Muslim family here :(

leaving this country will take a lot of hard work,
and working on my mental issues all alone because i can't even get help the proper way,
make me wonder if it worth it after being locked up here for 25 good years of my life,
most of the times i can't find the motivation to make me go through the day.

i know this might sound like a silly cause of cptsd,
but i can't find another explanation for my depression
so far i have been allowed to live but my life choices have been made by someone else most of the time,
and i totally hate it,
i don't have social skills at all,
i don't wanna be around people, and even if i wanted to i don't know how,
i believe that my mental state got me involved with the wrong people so i have shut down my walls until everything is ok on the inside to avoid more damage and more bad memories.

what worries me the most is starting a whole new life in another country all alone,
i have always been alone growing up, but i wonder if i am ever gonna find a man that will actually love me the way my parents never did :(
totally confused and lost at the moment. :oops:
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Re: if i could heal from this cptsd, can i find happiness ?

Postby salted lipstick » Wed Nov 06, 2019 1:49 pm

It sounds like you've been through a lot of emotional abuse and manipulation and more. I'm really sorry to hear that.

On the positive side, you are only 25. There is absolutely nothing stopping you from turning your life around to the positive. For all you know, you might live until you are 85 or something, so it's not as if you are short on time. And you sound very motivated to turn things around for yourself.

I don't know anything much about any of the gulf countries, and I think that only you can decide if you actually need to change countries to achieve the life you desire. Perhaps you might know of some people that didn't leave your country and managed still to get a life like the positive one you imagine for yourself?

Regardless, any step you take towards a more positive life for yourself will be positive. You may lose some things that you currently are used to, but from that, there will be more space for you to fill your life with people, things and love that you are currently missing.
In a way, I am not defined by my dissociation. In a way, I am.

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