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Help me i need support

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Help me i need support

Postby miron » Sat Jun 08, 2019 12:28 am

Hello i am a 22 years old boy i have a brother and sister and i am the last born.

Here is my story:

Last year i had a trauma (im not sure if that what they call a trauma)[/color] it was by losing my big sister's relationship since she abused me verbally (in my 2nd year of college i did a surgery to remove my gallbladder i complete the 2nd year and got diploma then i stop education and decided to stay home and do good nutrition and exercising. But my family was pressing me and keep saying to me to go to college and continue my education or search for a job.... A day my sister said that a man needs to work and needs to be tough and needs to have a strong personality and that i am like a little kid, she also claimed that i don't talk with family and i just sit silent, also she said to my mother in front of me "if you let him go out with boys when he was a child then he must be talking more now" , she remembered me of a childhood trauma when my mother didn't let me out) and abandoned me after that .(she is 27yo and married.. i used to love her more than my brother and support her too much before and after her marriage).

After this trauma i sensed a big change in my personality like i become rage..scared.insulting..hating everyone and everything...and deep sadness.i was seeing just dark ...I cried way too much and i am still crying sometimes now.
I stopped talking to my family and friends, and i didn't out from the house for months.and i lost my relationship with god and i stopped doing my worship and pray (the day i stop praying.. i woke up at night and i was unable to breath i moved fast to the other room and i tried to breath hardly,it was so scary...i also remembered after a month of the trauma my mother came and woke me up and said "you scared me... i thought you dead because i was breathing shortly .

i also stopped exercising and playing video games which was my favorite habit.i lost happiness and the sense of being alive, i was unable to stop thinking, its like if i was living in my head.i was just listening to music all day and thinking of suicide but the fear of god and since killing an innocent soul is forbidden stopped me.

also i remembered all my past traumas with feelings like hell or being in war. i remembered all the good and bad of my past with all details. I also understood some events ,and how some close people tricked me when i was a child.

I lost alot of energy from the gallbladder hard pain which was for a month before the surgery and energy from surgery then energy from this trauma..and i am breathing hardly.

I always remember that trauma when i see men i feel uncontrollable jealousy and sometimes i want to cry. or when i see children or whenever someone is talking about personality or manliness,masculine,femininity....

My sister is talking to me now but i talk to her without a real desire its like if she was dead that day.

---> And to add more things about me i think i had ocd/ocpd in adolescence especially spirituality ocd and swallowing/breathing ocd which tortured me alot, I still have some ocd but i do imaginative rituals to get some relief.

Plz i need help and support i need to know what was all that hell and if it was something about shadow and ptsd? i can't say to anyone in real life about all this because i don't want them to judge me or having pity..i just smile to people so Plz i really need your opinions and advises.

Sorry for my english.
Thank you.
Last edited by NewSunRising on Sat Jun 08, 2019 12:49 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Please do not use color fonts unless posting in the DID forum
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