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I will never be able to meditate.

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I will never be able to meditate.

Postby CrazyAbuse » Wed Mar 20, 2019 1:15 am

I looked at the abuse sub forums and was like, where do I post? Because I'm all of the above. Child abuse gave me a childhood of bullying, then I was raped, and that all led me into an abusive relationship. Finally, I was almost tortured to death in jail. Now I have PTSD that is so complex I know I will never escape it.

Whenever I meditate I can usually do it for 20-40 minutes. Near the end I think, "Wow! I didn't think about anything bad yet..." and that's when it starts. It's amazing, the abuse that hurt me more than anything else, more than the rape, the torture, or the months fearing for my life, was losing my service dog. During my second hospitalization my family took her to the pound.

It was just devastating. Three years later and I usually cry every day, especially if I attempt to meditate. It's just getting harder with time. Right now I am at a pivotal moment. My dog is forgetting me. I know she is. She was only three years old, she was my entire world, my everything, but I will only have been a small part of her life.

I think of my old brain - the one I had when I had her. If I had that brain I could meditate comfortably. Now whenever I see a funny video with a golden retriever, it's all I can think about. Anytime I see a golden retriever, which is all the time. When I walk where we used to go on walks, it's all I can think about. If I stop doing something and have a mind free of thought - it's immediately what I think about. Everything is a trigger. She was with me 24-7 and I lost her at the worst possible time. Three years later and it's still all I can think about.

It's not just about the dog. I went into an abusive relationship after I lost her. I was in psychotic grief and completely cut ties with my family, so incredibly vulnerable to my abuser. He stole over $10,000 from me and the last bit of sanity I had left. After that, I attempted suicide twice and was in and out of hospitals for two years.

It's not just about the dog. I lost her, and that made me lose everything else. Three years of my life, 22-25, gone. My prime years. Gone. Perhaps the man I would have met and had kids with - gone. My potential family is dead. My real family is dead to me.

The hardest part is that half my family still hasn't even apologized. The ones that did won't listen to me. I just want them to know that they destroyed my life. My sister once said, "IT WAS JUST A DUMB DOG, GET OVER IT!" and she doesn't know what they really did to me. They haven't given me the chance to say. Unless I can tell that to them, I can never have them in my life again.

I just want them to know what they did to me. That's all I want and I think I could start to heal. I don't understand why it's so hard for them to confront the horrible mistake they made. My Mom says they just have stressful lives too and don't have the energy to talk about it. Really? You can't just spend a couple hours talking??
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Re: I will never be able to meditate.

Postby shimtie » Sun Jul 28, 2019 7:57 am

I urge you to be very, very kind to yourself. Noticing the turn to distressing thoughts and observing them as they appear is meditation 2.0.

Welcoming the thoughts, and the difficult things that accompany the shift of your consciousness to the memories (and the related thoughts) as perhaps rude, unpleasant guests, yet guests nonetheless that you are able to treat with kindness and compassion. Watch and see where they go?

In this way you are able to care for this pain and return the attention to your meditation object, such as Your Inbreath and your Outbreath and then healing is more possible.

Also have you tried EMDR. Are you able to incorporate any kind of movement practice.
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