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Chronic PTSD Severe Anxiety Flare up (Potential Triggers)

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Chronic PTSD Severe Anxiety Flare up (Potential Triggers)

Postby amberamber80 » Thu Feb 08, 2018 6:56 pm

Evening all (it's evening here in London).

I am new to the forum so I will give a brief background to explain what has caused my CPTSD and SA.

I suffered incest and childhood abuse from the age of 6 months old until about 14 from my father and maternal Grandfather. The abuse was physical, emotional and psychological as well as experiencing a wide degree of neglect.

I am now 38 (in a few weeks). I have struggled with CPTSD and SA since a child. My unfortunate coping mechanism (which it clearly isn't) over the years off and on has been alcohol.

I drank myself into a full stroke five years ago. I recovered. I retrained as a Personal Trainer with numerous other qualifications in Fitness (including an Exercise Referral Diploma - to treat others with anxiety / MH conditions through physical therapy and nutrition).

I made the incredibly difficult and stressful decision three years ago to start a prosecution against my parents. It is complicated by the fact that my parents live in Northern Ireland and the prosecution is coming from a third country. (Republic of Ireland). It is taking a very long time. I am relieved that it is being taken seriously but as you can imagine it is a constant head fu$k for me to have this in the background.

As this is a live investigation / prosecution the advice I have been given is NOT to undergo psychotherapy or counselling whilst this is ongoing - quite frankly that is no longer an option and I'll explain why.

As a cheery aside I have also experienced somewhere between 7 and 10 adult rapes. Some from partners, some from lovers and some from strangers.

I know that others have complicated sources of stress and I appreciate it, but my PTSD comes from more than one time / country / source so it can be horrifically overwhelming.

Last year I had a drinking relapse, I decided to get my $#%^ together and I got a fabulous job (in Addictions and Public Health - the irony is not lost on me).

I qualified as a SMART facilitator (a mutual aid support group for those with addictions). I passed probation at work, I had 10 months sober and I started an MSC in the Psychological and Neuroscience Foundations in Mental Health which I just missed a distinction in by 1%. I started to hit the throttle at 110 miles an hour to ignore the symptoms of my mental ill-health. I had a routine that started at 4am and ended at 10pm with no breaks six days a week. Study, training, work, study, dogs, volunteering etc - you get the picture.

I got VERY ill with my CPTSD and SA at the end of the Christmas period (I have been estranged from my family for 20 years - NO contact so the only support I have is my partner). I had asked for an update on the case from the police in Ireland and it just was the straw that broke the camel's back.

I thought the only solution was to drink it away (why do I always think that it will work). So as you can imagine that led one week later to a two week drinking binge which left me in hospital being told that I was at severe risk of brain damage due to the long period of sobriety. (I didn't take this in at the time, my partner had to tell me when I was more coherent and less at risk of a drinking relapse).

I still have my job by some unknown fecking miracle. I have also scrabbled myself together enough to defer the first round of exams so that I can complete this module of my MSC and so that I don't lose the £2000 cost of the module. I have been signed off work for another 10 days which gives me a window to study so that I can complete this module and not lose a year to complete the MSC (this way I will get it in 2 years rather than 3).

I guess I just needed to get it off my chest. I am experiencing hideous anxiety EVERY ruddy day. Itching, vomiting, panic attacks, manic bouts of energy followed by insurmountable lethargy. The PTSD has gone bananas as well - visual and auditory illusions, sensory overload, losing track of what I'm doing. I just took my dogs out for a walk and had a panic attack the whole time. Something I could do fine for the last five days. I just don't understand it and it's driving me fecking bananas (well more bonkers if that's possible).

I just wanted to get all of that off my chest as I think that I am making my poor long suffering fiancé feel nuts as well. He is my only family (aside from my dogs) and I know I need to give him his space but my need is SOOO overwhelming right now.

I just wanted to remind myself that I am not alone, that lots of other people are fighting through this $#%^ right now as well. I also feel a little calmer now that I've written all that novella down and I have to acknowledge even if only to myself all the things I have accomplished DESPITE and not because of what has happened to me.

I guess my thought for the day is that we are not the product of what has been done to us we are the products of strength, humility, compassion and love that we show to ourselves when we can.

Thanks for reading. If you have ANY tips for coping with the symptoms and still managing to be productive feel free to share them. :? :roll:

Lots of warmth and compassion for others if not for myself right now. :)

Amber
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Re: Chronic PTSD Severe Anxiety Flare up (Potential Triggers)

Postby Terry E. » Thu Feb 08, 2018 11:02 pm

Wow, read it all. Yep rants, downloads and monologues are always welcome. No sure if you can see this but I found your story inspiring.

Huge congrats for tackling it head on, I will keep my fingers crossed that you can avoid triggers that will lead back to alcohol, and I really hope you nail the exams.

I have been here for 5 years in August, and come from a background of extreme physical abuse. There are similarities but some major differences. I can tell you that I have two friends, one of them one of the most amazing, successful people anyone could want to meet, that has a lot of similarities with yours.

I really admire you for pointing the Police to your parents. People like you are changing the world and making it a better safer place for others that will follow.

I will now step away and let you go after that "Distinction" you deserve.

Good luck, nice to have met you.
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Re: Chronic PTSD Severe Anxiety Flare up (Potential Triggers)

Postby amberamber80 » Fri Feb 09, 2018 3:25 pm

Hi there Terry E,

Thank you for the warm welcome to the group / forum / site.

Where your PTSD comes from is irrelevant when it comes to symptomology and illness. Though we differ in causes and individual symptoms we all share the same arse hole of an illness.

I read your post this morning mid trying to drag my arse back upstairs to get on with the studying after a manic bout of cleaning, sorting and organising right through the night. My long suffering partner was grumpy AF this morning, but part of me caring for him when I am ill is to refuse to take anything he says or any tone of voice personally, he is simply wrung out. (Though it can be hard to take when you're sleep deprived and thread bare.

Going to the police is one the things in my life I regret the most simply for what it has cost me personally and emotionally but also one of the things that I am most proud of. I had to do it for my own sanity, dignity, sense of self and sense of worth. It is tortuous though and not something that 95% of the world that knows me has a fecking clue about.

I look forward to getting to know you and others better over the coming weeks / months / years but for now the ruddy books are calling (at least not literally).

Three weeks sober tomorrow, that is always the turning point for some unknown reason so YEAH ME.

Baby steps to WORLD DOMINATION eh!

Hope you're having a good or at least stress free day.

Warm wishes,

Amber
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Re: Chronic PTSD Severe Anxiety Flare up (Potential Triggers)

Postby Terry E. » Sat Feb 10, 2018 5:41 am

amberamber80 wrote:


Going to the police is one the things in my life I regret the most simply for what it has cost me personally and emotionally but also one of the things that I am most proud of. I had to do it for my own sanity, dignity, sense of self and sense of worth. It is tortuous though and not something that 95% of the world that knows me has a fecking clue about.

If you had never done this it would haunt you. This is tough now but sets us free. People will not recognize how strong you are, we will.

I look forward to getting to know you and others better over the coming weeks / months / years but for now the ruddy books are calling (at least not literally).

go kill it

Three weeks sober tomorrow, that is always the turning point for some unknown reason so YEAH ME.

Baby steps to WORLD DOMINATION eh!
(they will never see us coming)

Hope you're having a good or at least stress free day.

Warm wishes,

Amber


Amber having a great day looking to hear more from you, and keep powering along

Terry
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