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Husband used to be physical abusive - need advise

An Open Discussion on Physical Abuse.

Husband used to be physical abusive - need advise

Postby Butterf1y » Fri May 31, 2019 10:44 pm

Hi everyone I’m brand new to the forum. I decided that I need to find a place to talk to others that know how I feel, because lately I feel so alone like nobody understands me. Here is some background on my story:

My husband and I got married very young I was 18 he was 19. He has been the only guy I have ever been with. He started physically abusing me shortly after marriage and it went on for 6 years so between 2006-2012. It was really bad he would sit on me and punch me in the face or stomach sometimes until I bled, drag me around the house by my hair.. etc. Once he said there was no use calling the cops because by the time they showed up every bone in my body would be broken. I wont go on as it is hard to think about but just know that the abuse was very extreme.

Many ask me how the abuse stopped. Well one day in 2012 after an altercation I was finally starting to realize I was worth more then this abusive marriage. I told him it needed to stop. He gave me an ultimatum and said “then next time I’m angry you need to back off and give me space, or I’m going to leave and never come back”. Oh how I wish I chose the latter. Instead I just told myself its always been my fault and if I want to keep this man who I thought loved me I need to change, so I did.

I’m the type that likes to solve a problem right away and talk it out, he is the type that needs space and to cool off. The problem is I just stopped caring. We stopped fighting because I stopped caring and let him do whatever and stopped expressing myself. To this day I can’t talk to him, I can’t explain my feelings. He is always trying to get me to talk to him and share things with him but I just can’t, I don’t care and I’m pretty sure I don’t love him anymore. I care about his well being and I know he has changed and learned a lot but I just cant get those feelings back. I don’t love him as a wife should.

Times I have tried to talk to him he gets really manipulative and makes me feel like I’m the bad person and has even threatened to kill himself if I leave him. He will cry and make a huge scene which makes me feel bad and guilty. Guilt is what keeps me in marriage for sure.

I day dream what it would be like to be with another man who treats me better. Even though my husband isn’t physically abusive anymore, he doesn’t do much for me. I do all the errands and chores and take care of our lives 100%. He never once comes home and says its his turn to make dinner, or do laundry etc. I don’t know what its like to have a man that does things for me, I do it all. He won’t admit it but he tends to have a sexist idea towards who should take care of what.

There is so much I could continue to go on, and I’m sorry for this long rant but what I basically want to get at is that I’m pretty sure I need to leave him. I don’t think I could ever get those “in love” feelings back for him, and to be honest I’m not even sure why I fell out of love with him, it could be totally unrelated to our past, but it sure doesn’t help. I often think what if I’m just a bored shallow person who wants to be with other guys? But I know in my heart I’m a good person and that’s not what it is.

All I can say is that I do love him enough that I don’t want to see him hurt and I’m having a hard time imaging not being with him after so many years, but I’m not happy and I want to be in love with someone, I miss those feelings. I’m pretty sure no amount of counseling can make me have those feelings for him again.

I would like to hear others thoughts, and please be honest. Also share with me your stories on what you ultimately did if you were in a similar situation where the abuse stopped but you fell out of love. There’s days where I feel confident and know what I need to do, other days where I hate myself and think everything is my fault.

Also If I do leave him I need tips on how, do I owe him a conversation before I leave or should I just leave while he is at work at talk to him later? I really don’t think he would harm me again but you never know what could happen when someone snaps. I do know for certain he will make me feel bad and say mean things and cry to manipulate me. How do I get the strength to move on without feeling guilty and blaming myself? Seeing him in pain really does hurt me, I don’t like hurting anyone especially someone who has been in my life for so long, but I don’t think staying is healthy. We both want children but I have put it off because I don’t think that I want kids with him and he wants a child so badly.

Thank you so much for reading my story and any opinions or advise are really appreciated, I would love to hear what someone in my situation did in the end to get their happiness back.


Danielle
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Re: Husband used to be physical abusive - need advise

Postby Terry E. » Sat Jun 01, 2019 9:17 pm

There is so much there. From what I have seen here and what I know of you don't get love back. Even if he could become someone different, caring, understanding, taking responsibility for what he did, it may become affection but it would be different. You are extremely wise not to have had children. From what you described, that is very serious domestic violence (the put in jail type in some countries) and I am not sure he should ever be a father, unless he can understand how his mind works what his triggers are and find strategies to deal with them. Children are stressful. Not sure he could ever handle it safely.

You are not wrong to want to love someone, hell, just to feel you have a real friend (I would say you are companions - like flat mates), but at 30 that clock is ticking and if you want children and that will be with someone else you need to do something.

The thing you did not say was how financially self sufficient you are, if you have joint assets, etc, has he ever broken things, smashed things. Do you have separate funds to draw on, a separate income. These are all factors in leaving.

he took something very special you gave him, your love and he lost it. He lost your love, you gave it to him wholeheartedly and he crushed it, maybe time to move on.
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Re: Husband used to be physical abusive - need advise

Postby realityhere » Fri Jun 07, 2019 6:07 pm

"Seeing him in pain really does hurt me, I don’t like hurting anyone"

Your husband took the license to beat you and cause you intense pain for six years. This angry man smothered what love you had to give, turning you into an emotional zombie. He guilt-trips you by threatening to kill himself in order to keep you where you are, in a state of limbo.

And you don't want to see him in pain. Oh, the irony...

Did he care that he was manipulating you into compliance and submissiveness? That state is unspoken emotional pain, magnified tenfold.

If anything, I suggest that you seek counseling not so much for couples counseling, but just for yourself. A therapist can help you understand why you were initially attracted to him and continued to stay in an abusive marriage. So you don't repeat the pattern again in the future. Start taking care of yourself for a change, you deserve that and so much more.
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Re: Husband used to be physical abusive - need advise

Postby CodexGigas » Mon Jun 10, 2019 9:58 am

Hello Danielle

Also If I do leave him I need tips on how, do I owe him a conversation before I leave or should I just leave while he is at work at talk to him later? I really don’t think he would harm me again but you never know what could happen when someone snaps. I do know for certain he will make me feel bad and say mean things and cry to manipulate me. How do I get the strength to move on without feeling guilty and blaming myself? Seeing him in pain really does hurt me, I don’t like hurting anyone especially someone who has been in my life for so long, but I don’t think staying is healthy. We both want children but I have put it off because I don’t think that I want kids with him and he wants a child so badly.


Seriously? If that is marriage, would you have chosen it at the outset?
I rather doubt that is/ was the case.

Abuse is abuse, and what you described is criminal.
Of course he wants a baby, it will make it harder for you to leave.

#1. Plan your exit. Legally, financially and where you plan to live.
#2. Inform your friends as they are probably aware things are not what they seem.
#3. Inform the police ( why have you not charged him? )
#4. Record any and all threats. Date and Time. Use the recorder on your cell phone when he goes bonkers.

You don't have to hate him to leave him or kill him, but wasting your life with him or in jail, isn't worth it either.

Your marriage based on your description, is presently nothing more than a bad habit.
You deserve better than that, don't you think so?
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Re: Husband used to be physical abusive - need advise

Postby Pam2Punky » Mon Oct 07, 2019 11:50 am

Danielle,
Its now October of 2019...I hope that things have become clearer for you now. I was briefly in an abusive relationship when I was 33 years old and I'm 60 now. It was an incredibly enriching situation for me as it taught me a great deal about myself than I could ever have learned any other way. It taught me to eventually get a hold of myself before it was too late. I was alone with him in San Fran and felt helpless. So much youth, motivation and enthusiasm was there at the time and I was not allowed to participate in any of it. No friends or comfort for me! I was with him for 3 and a half years but the physical abuse didn't start for a year and a half. He managed to effectively hide his true nature but folks can only hide who they really are for so long, then they've got to be who they are. I remember how I would have bruises and stuff all over me and he would prevent me from going out in the open until they healed. I learned to hate myself considerably from constantly tolerating his abuse...then one day, after the last black eye and choke out something related to "life and death" came over me and I realized that if I didn't get away from him, he would eventually kill me. One day, I waited until he went to work then I immediately called an acquaintance who was aware of the abuse. I quickly packed EVERYTHING that I considered mine and of any importance and I gave it all to the acquaintance to hold until I could get them back. I escaped from Ca for Mo to have the comfort of my Mother while I dealt with the facts of what I'd endured. I clandestinely snuck away from him Danielle. It was far safer for me to do it that way and it gave him a glaring opportunity to "check" himself...ALONE. I'm sure that when he got home from work he was truly devastated. Good for him and good for me as I was finally able to get the back bone to save myself because no one else would step in and do it for me. Leaving that state for one 3 thousand miles away helped considerably too. I couldn't easily go back there and he wasn't aware of my Mothers specific location, plus it was an extremely costly endeavor. The "trade off" price that I had to pay for that thankful and unlimited freedom was that everything of my past...of my entire life that I'd considered vital and important to me was stolen, kept from me by that acquaintance who I could suddenly never locate. That was a tremendous lesson for me. It took me about 6 years to finally get to a place where I could effectively deal with that extreme loss but I did it. Again, I consider it a very positive thing. I learned so many vital lessons from those experiences. You can only learn things from "mistakes" so don't be afraid to make them. My life improved a million percent after I left that man Danielle. I was in a cloud with him...a bubble. After I left him, after 10 years I'd finally found and fell in love with a real man for the first time in my entire adult life, no longer a "poor imitation", but the real thing. I could never have gotten that incredibly wonderful man if I hadn't fearfully, yet proudly closed the old door on that horrific relationship so that I could open the the new one to my future which dictated and encouraged a new direction for me. Its all about you Danielle. You have no one to blame but yourself if you happily or unhappily remain in any situation that's devastating or debilitating for you. Be your own best friend Danielle. If you aren't there for you, how can you expect anyone else to be?? Use your inherent god given ability to rise beyond "victim hood" and use that ability as a positive and loving example to others because they're waiting for you and your wisdom Danielle. Plus, that will only further enrich and strengthen you. Now remember, be real with yourself on this one Danielle...some people like to abuse others and some people like to be abused. If you remain in an abusive relationship its more your fault than the abusers fault. There's something that your getting out of that abuse that goes beyond anything rational and it keeps you nestled there. Remember that. No one remains in an abusive relationship unless it benefits them in some way to some degree. No one. Get the necessary private counseling for yourself {only you} and figure out why that abuse is so comforting to you {no longer physical now but obviously emotional and psychological}. Otherwise you can forget a decent man. He wont want to be bothered with someone's litany of "baggage" and constant hardship because it will only adversely affect him and pull him down. You've got to get yourself into a healthy mindset which is very attractive and that can only come with raw honesty to yourself about yourself. Leave while you can, while you're young enough and beautiful enough and emotionally well enough to attract a gem of a partner...because they're out there in an abundance. You just have to have something positive and loving to offer besides a lot of pain and problems. You can do it Danielle, if you are important enough to you. Its all about you...no one else. Just you. Its time to put yourself first. I had several suicide attempts to try and escape like a coward instead of standing up to the situation like a winner...like a warrior. When I finally did stand up for myself, the doors of life with unlimited possibility and a whole lot of love swung open right before my eyes. Not too long after a beautiful tall and muscular man who I'd met a few months prior on the internet came to my door and asked, "what took you so long?" {smile} That was 13 years ago and we're still madly in love. It was real and it worked out for us. It can for you too but you've got to be the first one to make that move. Do it for yourself. You're worth it Danielle.. "Vet" him considerably too, don't just settle for anything or that's exactly what you'll get. Anything. You're worth far more than that so act like it. Do it for you. Lots of love Sistah from Pam&Punky! {smile}
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