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constitute an abusive wife?

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constitute an abusive wife?

Postby TeeCee » Sat Oct 27, 2018 9:56 pm

I have a question about a really old story...A husband and wife in the 5th of their 10 year marriage, were standing in the kitchen having what was becoming an old argument. It was nothing extraordinary, just a dispute about the how long the sprinklers should run. The wife was concerned because three months prior, the husband had scheduled the sprinklers to run for one hour, in each zone of their 2 acre property. While the wife was (again) explaining why each zone should only run for 15- 20 minutes, the husband was becoming increasingly agitated over her "correction" of his decision. The wife was also becoming more irritated. This was now the third month in a row she was trying to explain to him that the sod could only hold so much water and the overflow was just running down the street.The husband's refusal to, what he called, "give in to her" and adjust the timers had also resulted in water bills totaling $1300, for the past two months. The couple's debate was now turning into a yelling match, as their frustration increased. Their four year old daughter, who had been playing in her room called out from down the long hall, "Why are you fighting?" The couple were silenced for a few seconds, when suddenly the husband turned towards the voice down the hall and yelled, "Because your mother is a @@@@@@@!" The wife, having never heard her husband use that word, certainly not in reference to her, took three steps toward her husband, who was still facing towards the young voice down the long hallway. With tears stinging her eyes, she raised her hand and slapped the side of his face, from behind. She then went down the hallway and into her daughter's room. After a few minutes, the wife and the 4 year old exited the little girl's bedroom and the two left the house. The couple remained married for another 5 years. While there was never another incident like the one in their 5th year, unfortunately, there were other love changing incidences; throwing out the wife's mail, magazines, packages everyday, having prostitutes delivered to the home while the wife and children were gone (the wife didn't know this was going on for a long time), he was emptying out their bank accounts and claiming they had no money, and on and on. The wife engaged a marriage therapist that they saw every Monday for a year, but the husband refused to stop his behavior, which led the wife to file for divorce in their 10th year. He fought the divorce for two years, and would break into the house when she was gone, he would hang around outside the house in the dark and scare them, but the day came when it was all final! Now 14 years after the finalization of their divorce, and the demise of the husbands second marriage, the husband has launched a "public" campaign claiming that his 1st ex-wife verbally and physically abused him. His only example is the day 18 years ago, when he called her that filthy name, and she slapped him for it. So with the details that you have (and they are the only details), do you think he is right to say that his first wife was verbally and physically abusive? It doesn't seem consistent to me that she was abusive, but I wondered what you all thought! Thanks for giving your time to this!! TC
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Re: constitute an abusive wife?

Postby Terry E. » Sat Oct 27, 2018 11:20 pm

She reacted.
Was he in fear? Was he traumatized? Was he controlled by such behavior?

We all have our own opinions, but to me I don't think he can rely on that.
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Re: constitute an abusive wife?

Postby TeeCee » Sun Oct 28, 2018 11:34 am

Thanks Terry E! I appreciate the response. I also appreciate that you didn't mention the husband's behavior. I meant to point out that the question was not about the husband's behavior, but rather the "physical" response of the wife. I am eager to hear the different perspectives!!





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Re: constitute an abusive wife?

Postby quietgirl2538 » Mon Oct 29, 2018 12:46 pm

First of all, no one, not woman nor man should be treated that way, it's unacceptable! Then if it were a man, he'd probably not get forgiven that from some people. The wife would most likely take him back if that was the only thing he ever did wrong, I think...That being said, being that it's a woman who did this it's not looked as such a big thing compared to if it were a guy. She is wrong in what she did, she should apologize and seek to right this wrong. Did he deserve this? I know if it were flipped, the answer would be no, so it should be no here as well. She did react, but that doesn't make it right. She acted in anger and she is also held accountable for her actions. Guys have it pretty tough at times when it comes to behavior such as this. In that instance, her behavior was abusive because it took away from him his dignity as a person. So the thing that is in her favor is that she did not continue this behavior from then on. But yeah, it's a type of abusive behavior. People say, he deserved that, etc., He deserved to be set straight, yes, but like that? I've been slapped by my own mom for what she deemed as a good enough reason and believe me it doesn't feel good. I could have reacted and pushed her away and my behavior would have been right because I was defending myself from physical abuse. My mom hit me all the time. She was abusive, and she never thought she was in the wrong. The act from this woman was abusive. It is physical abuse. It however, is not long-term physical abuse, nor was it verbal abuse in that moment. She didn't call him names. I'd have called him names too, but I couldn't hit a man. It's not fear, it's that I just couldn't react that way, I'd be shocked and would step back and cry and then ask why he was with me if he thought that about me.
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Re: constitute an abusive wife?

Postby TeeCee » Mon Nov 12, 2018 2:05 pm

It could be deemed an abusive response, but I don't consider the action the behavior of an abuser...not anymore than he is for what he said about her to their young daughter. I'm not sure I could have "thought about it" had I been in that situation. It was such a horrific thing to say, and to say it to your child about her mother...that's where I get off the "think about it" bus. I think it was an unfortunate series of events, and although not the right response, certainly an understandable response. @Quietgirl2538 I'm sure because your mother, whose behavior I would consider abusive, repeatedly hit you, you are probably a bit more sensitive to any physical response, as you should be. I do think that because it's a reactive response, even if not a good response, it has to stay out of the "abuse" lane, because it's an isolated incident.

To elaborate...this was the only physical incident in their 10 years of marriage. BUT NOW, the husband (now ex-husband) has a new career. He is a life coach. One of the "trauma's" he claims to have overcome all by himself is that of living with a wife who physically abused him. He now claims that he can help others overcome an abusive relationship because he was able to overcome the physically abusive relationship he endured while he was married.

So now I ask...is this an honest sales pitch? He is now claiming that his wife physically abused him, and he is so evolved that he was able to overcome the physical abuse without any help, and can now help YOU. For a hefty price, of course. If you were in an abusive relationship and are looking to find healing, does his "abuse" qualify him as someone who can help you? Is his experience with what he calls "abuse" equal to yours? Was he an abused husband, or did he get his bell rung for being verbally abusive and traumatizing his children? It has been 17 years, since that incident, and in the past year, he is publicly announcing it as his example of abuse, in order to acquire "patients" (he has no qualifications or education). I think him using the incident to make a buck, trivializes the truly abused, the people who are hurt and devastated by being beaten over and over. It minimizes those who are imprisoned by their perpetrators...by their fear. Who is the abuser, here?
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Re: constitute an abusive wife?

Postby quietgirl2538 » Mon Nov 12, 2018 11:08 pm

So now I ask...is this an honest sales pitch?


Just an opinion, but I would call him a liar. On all counts.

I totally get what you mean about it being only one incident...about his being slapped by his-then wife. To get slapped based on my own personal life's experience is humiliating and painful (me being the kid at 18 years of age--I was still a kid because I couldn't leave the home or I'd be forced back by the law). Based on being slapped one time I do agree that it was not an abusive situation (such an ongoing abusive situation such as mine was when it went on for many years, day in and day out). The fact stands clear that he doesn't know what he would be talking about. (Just my opinion). As someone who was abused as a kid, I'd see right through him. I believe with abuse, no matter how many books you may read about abuse, it's never the same thing as living it every day like I had to live through. I totally get that the word used in the heated argument was totally WRONG as well. I would wonder in all this, who's fault was whose and for how long. I'm assuming in this particular instance, both did wrong, I could not condone either the way the wife was treated nor the way he was treated either. It's totally an opinion. I'm no expert.
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