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Am I responsible here, or is he abusive?

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Am I responsible here, or is he abusive?

Postby elysiums » Tue Jun 19, 2018 2:27 am

My boyfriend of two years asked me to go to with him to get some food. I agreed, and put my shoes on, but told him I only want to go to a drive through because I'm not feeling well and on my period. When I was standing in the garage waiting while he lint rolled his shirt, two neighborhood kids came up. As we are about to leave, my boyfriend asked them if they wanted to go around back and play with our dog, since they had their dog with them. I just went upstairs and sat in my room while he played with the dogs outside.

He came back into the upstairs bedroom about 10 minutes later and said "let's go". I told him I was annoyed, but okay, let's actually go this time. We pull out of the driveway, he then rolls my window down on the passengers side, pulls the car to a complete stop, and says "Hi Marvin, hi guys (to the boys) and waves his hand in front of my face. I smile and wave also to be polite. After we drive away I say "listen, I don't appreciate you doing that. I'm not presentable to the public and I don't appreciate when you force me to interact with people when I haven't showered and am not ready at all. I'm an introvert and you are constantly putting me in these situations." We continue to fight and he starts yelling at me about how he can't have his friends here to see me. He says "I'm taking you home." He turns around in downtown, and drives back to the house. He says "get out". I say "no." He then pulls the car into the garage and shuts it off. I say "oh, so you pull into the garage so no one can see you freak out on me." He looks angry, and I run into the house and attempt to lock the door. He tries to bust through the door while I'm on the other side trying to hold it shut. I eventually decide I can't hold it anymore and run towards the stairs in the house. I make it half way up the first flight of stairs, and he busts through the door, runs up behind me, grabs me very hard around my rib cage with both arms, and carries me up to the top of the stairs.
I'm flailing my arms and he lets me go at the top of the stairs. I said "oh my god, that is abusive." and I went into the upstairs room and locked the door. My ribs don't feel swollen, but they hurt for about 15 minutes from him grabbing me hard and carrying me by my rib cage up the stairs. He is very well liked in the neighborhood, and is generally more outgoing than me, and constantly tells me I have no friends. This is the first incident where I actually feel pain after...prior to this he has grabbed my arm pretty hard in an argument. Is this abuse?
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Re: Am I responsible here, or is he abusive?

Postby Manners73 » Wed Dec 25, 2019 3:57 pm

I don't know but it does seem like you're not compatible with each other.

He's sociable, you're not. He likes to invite people round and you don't.

If you feel like you're being abused then you need to review your situation.
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Re: Am I responsible here, or is he abusive?

Postby DaturaInnoxia » Fri Dec 27, 2019 11:43 pm

elysiums wrote:He turns around in downtown, and drives back to the house. He says "get out". I say "no." He then pulls the car into the garage and shuts it off. I say "oh, so you pull into the garage so no one can see you freak out on me." He looks angry, and I run into the house and attempt to lock the door. He tries to bust through the door while I'm on the other side trying to hold it shut. I eventually decide I can't hold it anymore and run towards the stairs in the house. I make it half way up the first flight of stairs, and he busts through the door, runs up behind me, grabs me very hard around my rib cage with both arms, and carries me up to the top of the stairs. 
I'm flailing my arms and he lets me go at the top of the stairs. I said "oh my god, that is abusive." and I went into the upstairs room and locked the door. My ribs don't feel swollen, but they hurt for about 15 minutes from him grabbing me hard and carrying me by my rib cage up the stairs. He is very well liked in the neighborhood, and is generally more outgoing than me, and constantly tells me I have no friends. This is the first incident where I actually feel pain after...prior to this he has grabbed my arm pretty hard in an argument. Is this abuse?


You're responsible for yourself.

You're only at the very beginning.

Run, and run fast.

If you choose to stay, get hooked in with a counselor, so that you recieve support throughout the process because people usually start questioning themselves and thinking they're to blame once the abuse really starts up.

Look up abusive relationships for descriptions of the different stages and cycles.
Bitches Be Tripping. They're me - I'm Bitches.  ~ unknown
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Re: Am I responsible here, or is he abusive?

Postby aubesu2 » Sat Dec 28, 2019 4:54 am

From what you describe, your boyfriend displayed towards you a complete lack of empathy and a complete lack of compassion.

He was was unable to understand and share what you were feeling, and he was unable to have concern or pity for your suffering.

He then refocused the situation to make it about him:
he starts yelling at me about how he can't have his friends here to see me

Later, when you pointed out the hypocrisy of his actions, he was unable to control his anger and reacted violently.

The tone of your description leaves me to believe this has happened before, albeit not to the degree described in this incident.

In my experience, this combination- a lack of empathy/compassion, egocentricity, the inability to control anger and proneness for violence- is a recipe for escalating abuse. Things can get real bad, real quick, and by not acting (i.e., leaving), you likely condone the behavior- at least in his mind.

Get. Out.

As mentioned by DaturaInnoxia, you're in the Early Stages. See a Counselor; Google “Cycle of Violence”; do your research… Do whatever you have to do, but get out.
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