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*TW* how i feel (maybe will upset some people)

An Open Discussion on Physical Abuse.

*TW* how i feel (maybe will upset some people)

Postby HerrDoktor17 » Wed Mar 28, 2018 7:07 am

Hi
I guess I need to warn people of triggers - I talk a lot about substance abuse, sexual abuse, physical abuse, self abuse, etc. I might have used foul language. I don't want anyone to be upset - so consider yourselves warned and please do not read if you feel delicate.

All of this is as it happened as best as i remember (mostly, but not entirely, chronologically)

I went through a long phase of self harm (Im 31) - cutting, burning, beating my wrist and ankle bones against objects, etc. Mostly my arms but also my legs and cutting my sides occasionally. I think it's went on for years longer than I realised, but I have little recollection of my childhood. I remember being "caught" when I ws 12 because I left a bloody tissue in the bathroom. My mother refused to believe it was a nosebleed and pulled my clothes off to see. Then she freaked out and told EVERYONE and made it a massive deal about it, to my horror. I think that was the very last day I ever viewed her as a mother.

She was also promiscuous, an alcoholic till i was about 8 - "ALCOHOLIC" like everyday. She's not now - she just gets ###$ out of her mind about 3x a week. She basically became her mother. She promised me she never would over and over, but she was much worse to me. My grandmother was possibly an alcoholic but she was a "functioning alcoholic" -worked all her life, messed up her kids (locked my mum and her sister in the car while they went out to drink for a few hours) then messed up her own life by being aggressive to everyone except me - she was always nice to me. I'll never forgive my mother for not letting me stay at the hospital cuz she "HAD TO GET BACK TO BRECHIN"

Who EVER needs to get back to that place? Except farmers and freaks.

My mother used to "visit" me in ******* in order to meet other men she wanted to ###$ - some website she was on. She had a good thing going with R. (fat ugly ###$, levels below my mother in attractiveness and intelligence), paid nothing but complained about her AWFUL LIFE constantly - hated R.'s family, hated R.'s kids, wished DD would just "######6 miscarry, why the ###$ would she want a kid". We love you MOTHER and we wish you still had a uterus to get cancer in. @@@@@@@.

There were various boyfriends. One in particular, we'll call P., she met in the South of MY COUNTRY. She met him online and visited him there. I later found out he overdosed on aspirin and vomited blood out of the window of their hotel. So she brought him to live with us for two weeks. She said she was in love. He left and i was at high school (about 14). two weeks after he left, I came home from school and THERE WAS P.! I said, oh hi and went to my room. My mum came in, and I always remember her being drunk and really aggressive and telling me he was living here now and he was here forever, basically.

So, until I left at 18, I was asked massively innappropriate questions, by both of them (imagine being asked to describe how you masturbate and what you use to clean yourself by your drunken mother and her idiot boyfriend, in your bedroom, refusing to leave, at 15 and them both laughing at you), touched by P. (hands down jean several times; standing nude outside bathroom [outside my vbedroom door], weird questions), asked for sex by P., P. burying his face in your crotch - pushing him off and being told to leave him alone BY YR ######6 MOTHER, etc.
Best one! Happened in our home city. Pub used to be a bank - lights on street shine skyward. My mother was so ###$ up she passed out on the couch. P. asked me if i'd ever "sucked a big black dick" and I waved him off. He asked if I'd suck a small dick and I said no and tried to wake my mum and told her and she kind of woke up amd said HEY! LEAVE HIM ALONE! Then, bizzarrely, P. ran off and kicked all the lights of the kocal church out. They were like ground lights.
My mum used to get into $#%^ too, like SAME #######5 bar, she sitting at bar and guy says something about girls (I heard) she said it was about (GAYS) - Guys was talking about gfirls. END.
So mother throws wine in his face - but not just wine - the WHOLE GLASS... breaks too. I ws actually almost sleeping on P.s shoulder at this point (he was out cold, btw)
He punched her DIRECTLY in her face.
Kinda lulzy, what w/e.

Equality, bitches, don't glass guys. In infantry is it like - boys cant IED me! No.
Violence - he smashed her front teeth out by pushing her face-first into the ground
(that's why she has a bridge~) and when she came home she was glowing about how the nurses were all surrounding her saying she's okay, don't worry (he was ######6 some other woman) and she kept saying i'm done, i'm finished, "nurses really ARE angels aren't they?" (yeah but they don't drink 3 bottles of wine every day and that's why you never managed to be a proper nurse) blah blah blah (i heard it e v e ry s i n g l e n i g h t). He appeared home later and she suddenly went CRAZY asnd beat the living hell out of him. My mother is 5'10 and strong - P. was 6'3 but drunk. She threw him everywhere and he basically ended up in the bath with broken ribs. My mother crying outside my bedroom door cuz I locked them out.

I remember I had THE BEST SPLIFF EVAAAAR and I picked up my fat, furry, antisocial cat (Merlin - used to hide in my room with me) and hugging him and he ACTUALLY fell asleep on my chest - on his back with all his legs splayed out. Loudest PURR ya ever did HURR.

I MISS HIM AND HIS MASSIVE CLOWN PAWS SO MUCH. I bought him, runt of the litter, smaller than my hand spread out. Tiny little tuxedo, massive whiskers and big black eyes. White chin, upsidedown grin, pads like velvet can't hear him - stealthy when he catches a moth.

I have NEVER wanted someone to pity me or feel sorry for me. There are children who die from abuse, ppl who are murdered in awful ways.

Pity is offensive - it suggests you've lived a better life than the person you pity.

I've been hospitalised 3 times for suicide attempts (2x drugs, 1x glass). I lways hated myself and how I looked. I always feel fat and I hate to sit down in case my stomach looks fat - i dont like ppl to view me side-on if i sit down. I repeatedly vomited all my teenage years and still do binge and purge *occasionally, 4-5x amonth*. I can't eat takeaway without secretly throwing up and I cant eat potatoes without throwing up (potatoes are awful to throw up too). Xmas dinner is HELL - everyone wants you to EAT EAT EAT., I eat the healthy stuff.
I like to believe I've still got nice teeth from gargling milk afterward - our highschool biology teacher told us alkaline (milk) negates acid. But who the ###$ knows.

My main problems are with impulsive behaviour - it can be overspending (i'm drowning in debt - that's a worry but not an immediate problem in my country, however, I am blacklisted and cannot borrow anything whatsoever - cards, mortgage, etc.). I find it almost impossible to control drinking and drug use (mainly alcohol, coke, pills, weed) and ive sold myself for money several times - sometimes when i didn't even need to.

ALL of my relationships have involved meeting someone in a club or bar or online and falling in "love" with them despite horrific arguments and violence - i can't completely move my small finger on my left hand because i severed the tendon when i stabbed myself with a broke wine bottle. It was some kind of attempt to stop my boyfrend at the time from leaving me.

I stayed in a very umhappy relationship with a very evil man who beat me for 5 yrs till i lost it and choked him with a sheet when we were making the bed and he actually KOd me walking out. I woke up on the floor in the hallway of my flat and randomly decided to quit my job (i'd been there for 6 years)and "move on".

Then I spent a year sleeping with anyone who liked my online profile, and i can sadly say, I literally have no idea how many men I've slept with altogether. I at one point went into a "dark room" when i was in an Eastern European country and allowed myself to be used by I dont even remember how many men. I was completely messed up, anyway (of my own volition). Surprisingly, over the years, I've only contracted minor (i.e. curable) STDs (STIs?).

In my search for sex, I ended up looking to other countries and I found a very beautiful man from a E.European country and messaged him, thinking WHY WOULD HE EVEN LOOK AT ME? We chatted and I, impulsively, used rent money to go visit him.

Surprisingly, I genuinely love him and he is very patient and affectionate toward me. However, I constantly worry I will ruin everything all the time. I hgot drunk with him recently and told him I loved him and dropped off his balcony. I landed in bushes (its not very high anyway i dont think) and then took a bizarre mood swing and blamed him for it. He was very upset and I found it difficult to understand why HE was upset when I WAS THE ONE who fell. We were together for 5 or 6 nights later and everyhing was okay after i cried and apologised.
I'm leaving my country to live with him in May.
He's been ill, but I'm upset that he hasn't been "normal" and i keep thinking it's cuz i'm a freak. I talked to him today and l didn't say anything, but i suddenly realised that my problem is that I feel so MUCH I want to say it ALL but I'm frightened he'll freak out and leave me. So it all boils up and I can't sleep and I want to hurt myself. I got a little tipsy - not drunk, I only had a half-bottle, and I said, are you angry with me? Do you still want me to move to ****** with you? And he said, OBVIOUSLY, DUMMY. I feel better when he said this but still panicking that he lying to me cuz he's dishonest like the rest.

I can't find a way to be happy. If I'm alone, I want sex or relationships. I get overly attached to one night stands and cry about them. Or I find a relationship and it's almost worse - it's like raw. Raw raw raw. It's like having wounds prodded. Or stitches pulled out. But you want it - or do you want it? I'm confused and lonely and really sad and I just want to be happy with this man but I constantly ###$ it all up.

I am a 31yo gay man.
HerrDoktor17
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