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Am I going back? it was just once..

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Am I going back? it was just once..

Postby Ottero » Wed Jun 07, 2017 4:48 pm

I've already been reading a lot of topics here and so I ask you all for your opinion on mine..

Me and my ex where together for 5 months after a 3 year intense friendship. 7 months ago he broke up with his ex and we got together pretty fast. I am 24 he's 32
His ex didn't agree and started stalking and bothering us. The post-relation struggles of them weighed on our relationship for sure.
The stalking continued and she pulled some nasty tricks, probably out of pain for the end of their relationship but it got worse.
she emptied his house whilst picking up her stuff (they didnt want to meet anymore so he let her do that when he was on a holliday), called him a milion times a day and night, made him feel guilty for everything, send him pictures of me and my ex (how she got them from my hidden fb-profile no idea) she made him believe his friends where conspiaring against him and so forth and so on.. I supported him through all of this and we tried to make the best out of it. it was an amazing guy and a great relationship.. I was pllanning to give up my appartment that day so I could move in with him.

he's never been agressive with me, I know he had some agresion problems in his previous relationship. but that was from both his ex and him. when we started of I said: If you ever raise a hand at me I'm out and I'm gone (look at me know.. -_-' ) but I said it in a joke never expected it to happen for real..

Now hell broke lose
I had my own house but usually we spend the night togehter, this day I would sleep at my place cause we had different places to go. to avoid his ex from stalking he'd been keeping low profile. telling no one where he was. (except me) he went to the party and drank (a lot). he got message from her: ahh enjoying your party? how your friend like your new girl. I wasn't there at the moment but he fliped.. He thought with his drunk head that I had been conspiering with her against him for all this time and that I was the cause of his misery, since I was the only one who knew he was there..)

he send me a text that he wanted to talk and that he was really angry with me, I thouhg already that he was drunk so said: tomorrow not now. and I went home from my party.

He took his bike and went to my place (20 min bike ride..) , he rang my bell and as I saw him downstairs I opened up, not knowing he was that drunk. he got to my appartment and as the door openend he jumped at me. he pulled my hair, slamed my head in to the stairs of my bed ( I sleep in a high bed) pushed my face in the couch, I couldn't even breath for a while and pushed my neck in angels it couldn't be in. constantly asking : 'how does she know, who did this' he threathend to go get my friends who knew sth about where he was and that he would find them and get them. He was really really drunk and extremely angery, he hit me and tried to kick me, (which didnt work cause he was to drunk). he told me to go to take a shower, I did, wanted to escape but didn't dare to.. when I came back he was lying in my bed without his clothes. he once again got up and pulled my hair back: if you have somehting to do with this I'll come and find you.. no matter where you are. He let me go and lied down in my bed. after some minutes I asked him to leave. he seemed toe be calmed down a bit. he climbed down my bed and made a mess of my apartment searching for his keys. he found them an d he left. immediately after he left I Locked the door. he broke down in the hallway, crying and pleading. I called the cops to scare him to leave the apt and eventually he did..
all of this lasted for an hour and a half more or les..

we talked the next day and I said I never wanted to be with him anymore. He doesn't remember anything of the whole ordeal, just that he broke down in the hallway. I left for my parents place and stayed there over a month.. It was terrible I missed him a lot and was angry for him hurting me like that but also missing him and wanting to go back. I decided not to and keep the breakup as it was. I went back to my own house feeling a little better and confident. of course I ran in to him one week later, head of heals in love again, talking and hooking up. talking about a possible future.. He says he's never gonna do it again, is now in therapy, and working on it, stopped drinking.. I curled up in his arms like nothing ever happend.. I left the next day to my parents again, confused and frustrated. trying to figure out what to do. Am I going back to him or not..

I am lost. I want to go back badly, I am scared of a future without him and he made me soo extremely happy.... but I feel in a way it's not possible..
Am I weak for that I had conversation and love with him again? how do I stay away if I decide to break up, and what should we do to make this relationship work again..? I am soo extremely lost.. I love him to pieces, but by going back I give up so much of myself..

I don't know what to do anymore.. I hope anyone here has some advice which makes my head stop spinning..
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Re: Am I going back? it was just once..

Postby Terry E. » Thu Jun 08, 2017 3:46 am

I think you have hit on the real hard one. I like the saying, "if he hits you once don't go back" but the reality is we are human and if we walked away from people with just one mistake, I think our species may have died out eons ago.

You have to decide whether this was completely out of character. Caused by alcohol and stress. But if you do make sure that this is the line.

My biggest issue is that he doubted you. For him to act that way, there may have been some element of lack of trust. Yes alcohol, yes, a scheming ex, but neither would have resulted in what he did if there was not at least some doubt, some lack of trust.

The other worry was that I think you refer to a physical altercation between his and his ex. You have his word for who was to blame.

Life has lots of stress. Getting fired. Bad bosses. Sick kids. Unexpected expenses. How will he handle these in the future.

IF you do go back, your relationship will not actually be the same. He can never ever be what he once was to you. Trust has been broken. You can still have a great life as long as he does change and that line is never crossed, but you need to make sure he understands your resolve, that this is his one and only second chance.

Hate to say it, but on balance it may be time to mend your heart and move on.
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Re: Am I going back? it was just once..

Postby quietgirl2538 » Mon Jun 12, 2017 6:07 pm

I can't relate to the physical violence. But I do relate to loving him and not wanting to leave, yet you feel so lost and confused.

Be absolutely and very serious to him about how you feel on that night. He must know what all happened and how you felt. He needs to know he hurt you in many ways, not just physically. He must promise to go to therapy and well, you two should really go to couple's therapy IF you decide to stay together. Is this asking a lot. No. It's your life at stake and your heart. It's fair to you and fair to him to get him in the straight and narrow and for you to start to heal. To experience real love. That would be my advice. If something is not there, then in my opinion, you put yourself in danger of another thing like this happening and this is not good for you nor for him. People can work on relationships and it can work, but it takes work and it takes effort from the both of you.

I share this and I pretty much am for "getting back together with him." because I've had some past relationship issues that I walked away from and I wish I'd at least tried to make it work. I walked away from it and it was very hard on me mentally and emotionally. If he doesn't try or if the relationship just doesn't work out, then, I'd definitely leave. A broken heart (like mine was) can and does heal. Tough love, I know, but sometimes it's the best way to handle a situation.
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Re: Am I going back? it was just once..

Postby Ottero » Tue Jun 13, 2017 6:52 am

Thanks for your replies!

I've made up my mind I'm not going back.. taking into account that I would be having healing to to either going back or doing it by myself. we hooked up one time after the incident and(before everything was so conclusive) but when he touched my hair and neck (like he used to do when we where a couple ) I freaked out. I was constantly watching his face for little changes and i realalized that was not going to change for a long long time.
thereby I also thouhgt that If I'd stay after domestic violance where would be the boundries of me leaving. I think, speaking for myself, if you let someone hit you , you loose a great deal of respect for both parties. and the boundries of infidelity and other repeats are changed. I don't want to have a relationship like that.. so I'm now trying to get myself together and move on..

thanks for your replies againn they definetly cleared my headd a bit!

xxx Ottero
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Re: Am I going back? it was just once..

Postby quietgirl2538 » Wed Jun 14, 2017 4:55 pm

I'm glad that you have come to a decision that you feel very good about. Talking things out really helps. I wish you the best. And let us know how you are doing.
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