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New boyfriend, girlfriend was abused, HELP

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New boyfriend, girlfriend was abused, HELP

Postby Dk9ght » Wed Feb 08, 2017 6:32 am

If anyone can help me please??? My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 6 months over the course of a year and a half (we dated, broke up and back together). My girlfriend was in a 7 year physically and emotionally abusive relationship (don't know maybe more than just that). From age 17-24 and he was a cop...

I don't know much about what she went through at all, she absolutely doesn't want to talk about it. She has volunteered a minimal amount of the story just so I am aware and understand why she is the way she is. She just moved in with me and I am the first guy she has lived with since. She has been out of that relationship for 3 years now, but there is many signs that she isn't in a good place entirely at all yet.

I bought a highly recommended book on domestic violence (a workbook actually) in order to understand what she has been through and also offered the book to her to read, which she agreed to do. It was a great book and i hope she does actually read it, but it didn't help me in the way of knowing how to help her heal. Or how to react when she gets unreasonably upset about things I do that are normal and anyone else getting upset wouldn't even be a normal response.

We have talked about going to a therapist as a couple and also her individually. She says she is not comfortable with it of course, but wants to do it if it will help our relationship. She has said this is very important to her and has even brought up the subject herself, without prompting. She is really a super great girl, but she has a very short temper and is on edge a good majority of the time.

It's weird because it seems like it's only with me too, she is as sweet as can be with strangers and others, yet she says I mean the world to her. Sometimes or maybe most of the time I feel like i have to walk on egg shells so as to not upset her. It seems like I even annoy her a lot of time and I am not even doing anything abnormal or clingy or anything. I usually just give her her space. I'm sure she has many "triggers" as I have learned, but I don't know all together what they are and am usually left confused about what just happened.

Since she has moved in, she insists on sleeping on the couch, for the last couple of weeks since she has been here. Even though we have had sex and it seemed to go amazing, albeit once, but not since she has moved in. Not that that is the main concern for me here though, more so the lack of intimacy and affection. She can be very distant and even cold at times. I've done everything in my power to accommodate her and let her know that this is "our"place, making her feel as comfortable and safe as I possible can. I have been trying to find a descent therapist, but again not having any experience in this area, it's been very difficult finding one that will help more than make matters worse.

If anyone can help advice wise or point me in the right direction, it would be greatly appreciated!?!?
Btw I have called local women's shelters to get recommendations for therapists and they weren't much help at all... I live in Long Island NY
Last edited by mark1958 on Wed Feb 08, 2017 1:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Increased readability
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Re: New boyfriend, girlfriend was abused, HELP

Postby Rubygirl » Sat Sep 16, 2017 12:20 pm

I see this post from back in February so I'm not sure if your still checking for replies. I am a victim of domestic violence and he was arrested almost four months ago and haven't seen him since he remained incarcerated since that time until the hearing a few days ago- I was subpoenaed to appear, even though I wasn't the one who reported it a stranger called 911, she was subpoenaed also. He was sentenced to 7 years. What I'm about to say some who haven't been victims of dv may not understand but the truth is even though he was sentenced to that time in prison, he got the lighter sentence. That may help you understand the deep impact and profound effects on a dv victim. I feel the depression, feelings of low self worth or value as a human being are marked profound and will probably unfortunately be long lasting. I can only pray they won't be a life sentence. After the hearing someone said to me after he was sentenced "so, now your kind ofnin a prison too in a way,huh? " I replied yes I am. He doesn't appear remorseful.
It is all still fresh and raw to me and I realize even though part of me is tempted to jump into a relationship in hopes a man who values and loves me could take a lot of my pain away, I don't think I should because the abuse left me so damaged. Just understand the effects are very deep and complex and the whole notion of another man loving her, may be very difficult to wrap her head around. I don't know her of course so I'm just replying to your request for thoughts on her difficulty and what you can do. The best and maybe hardest thing is to continue to have true patience for her timetable of healing which may not be what you want- you understandably would like her to heal up and be ok to be with you in a healthy way. What that man did to her is what is left in her heart mind soul and body. That was a long time she was with him. Her timeline of healing, in sorry to say could. (I'm not saying it will but it could) be much longer than you would hope or want or frankly feel the ability to tough it out. As I said really time is what she needs- to continue her path of healing, of learning as she's with you that there isn't another dark side to you, to know that despite her issues you fully love and accept her completely. That is what I as a dv victim imagine that she needs almost- the challenge is if you in yourself truly can extend that long term patience love and understanding or if you really want to find a way to quickly fix it and make it go away. Only you know the answer to that, I hope that helps.
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Re: New boyfriend, girlfriend was abused, HELP

Postby Rubygirl » Sun Sep 17, 2017 2:11 am

It runs deep... the best thing but probably very hard to do over time is just extend to her as much time patience and understanding as she needs to heal on her own timetable. The effects of domestic violence run very deep and profound, try not to take it personal and just let her see by your gentle understanding and patience she can trust you not to hurt her. If you really love and want to be with her just accept as a matter of fact it goes with the territory of being with her. We all tend to want to speed healing along ornhave it go at a timetable but it takes as long as it takes basically.
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Re: New boyfriend, girlfriend was abused, HELP

Postby Terry E. » Tue Sep 19, 2017 4:42 am

Thank you putting that up, we normally don't get that perspective. I hope all will go well for you and I am glad you are holding back a little before trying again. Very wise.

Again, some of the best advice I have seen here.
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