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My husband has shocked us both.

An Open Discussion on Physical Abuse.

My husband has shocked us both.

Postby Zaz » Sun Oct 23, 2016 8:23 pm

I know every partner that has experienced some type of physical abuse from a partner must go through a bargaining stage like I am. I have had 2 small incidents with my partner in the last months, both of which seemed to shock him to the core. One was him pushing me a little, the other was raising a fist to me but not acting on it. Both times he burst into tears immediately and didn't once try and justify his actions, even going immediately to tell his family what he'd done. The plan was for therapy to start but we've had no money and live in a country where there's no access to free services that can help. His father had some deep anger issues which sadly have been passed on although he was never violent. I know for a fact that my partner has never done anything like this before and I know how moral he is about it. Unfortunately last night we had another incident (alcohol fuelled as were the previous ones) where we were having a very fiery argument and he choked me for about a milisecond, and he very quickly came to his senses, immediately crying and telling me to call the police on him. We have been under intense pressure for a long time now but I know this is not a justification for his actions. I think he didn't even know his capability to do these things and knows he needs help. I guess he doesn't fit that form of a 'typical abuser' as he has not tried to justify his actions ever and has been deeply upset with himself. He has a good heart but I think I do need to take a step back from him until he's seeing a therapist and dealing with the driving forces behind all this. In the beginning he was a little controlling but has actually worked really hard on being a better person and has been able to conquer alot of stuff but it seems he has some demons he really needs professional help with. Can anybody shed any light on any similar personal experience. I'm feeling truly sad and quite sorry for him in some ways but obviously compassionate for myself as I know that what I have experienced is not acceptable.
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Re: My husband has shocked us both.

Postby Terry E. » Tue Oct 25, 2016 1:02 am

A couple of things.

First welcome, I know this is not a place you had ever wanted to visit, but I hope we can offer something even if only a place to express yourself at these times. This place is slow, as people don't hang around just to build their post scores, so if you post here, drop back over the next couple of days. You will get something.

I feel for you. I don't know much about you, but think what you are trying to do is the best thing.

He obviously cares for you which emphasises what you have realised, that it is something from his childhood. Often in these cases even when things like this are exposed, the abuse survivor (your husband) may not understand how abusive the behaviour had been or be willing to confide in you. Sometimes talking about the worst parts of abuse are impossible for the survivor. (I cannot physically talk about the worst parts of my abuse. I can make jokes about seeing as a 12 year old my mother chasing my brother with a carving knife, him disarming her and then trying to kill her, but the real bad stuff stays locked inside).

Different types of abuse causes different reactions in people and even among different types of people. The more he is willing to delve into that past the better he will be.

This can be highly traumatic at times but with the right support he can make great progress, and be who you think he can be.

Take care
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Re: My husband has shocked us both.

Postby quietgirl2538 » Tue Oct 25, 2016 6:54 pm

I'm married and I have 3 kids. If my husband were to be the way your husband is, I would tell him that we as a family can't do this. I would find myself terrified if I was held in a choke hold and I would probably freak out and call a friend or the police if I felt I was in serious danger. Have you had a very serious talk with him when he is sober, about the repercussions of his behavior would result in. He needs professional help, even if it's just counseling with a pastor or someone like that. I think it's easy for me to say I would do this or that because I'm not in your situation, but a lot of other people have been in a situation such as yours and they can tell you what it turned into when they stayed or when they left. Neither is easy to do.
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Re: My husband has shocked us both.

Postby Nyyx » Tue Nov 22, 2016 10:31 pm

I am sorry that you have found yourself here. The first thing I am going to say is the escalation is already beginning. Once the boundary has been crossed and you lay your hands on someone in anger, it becomes easier and easier. I have been on both sides, abused and abuser and it nearly always starts like this.
The second thing I am going to say is stop drinking together, period. No ifs no buts no maybe's. If you are lucky this may resolve the issue, until you can find some way to get help.
If this happens when you are both sober, then you need to seperate and continue to work on things without living together.
Ask yourself if your willing to put him in prison. Or yourself in the hospital, because if this isn't nipped in the bud now, that's where things will end up.
For every act that goes unpunished he will find it easier to repeat the act again. Not because he wants to but because he has nothing to prevent him. His love and morals aren't stopping him now, his anger is too strong.
I am not judging him, I have been there, and I recognise the pattern. You can fix this, if you get on it now.
I wish you both all the best, and much happiness in your future together.
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