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Disabled: Dad probably gonna kill me - no idea how to escape

An Open Discussion on Physical Abuse.

Disabled: Dad probably gonna kill me - no idea how to escape

Postby Mike1259 » Thu Mar 31, 2016 10:08 am

I know this is long, but please... PLEASE somebody read this because I'm beyond-desperate and don't know how much time I might have left. Could be VERY little.

I don't know what to do, I can't stand this anymore and my lunatic father's bouts of rage are clearly boiling to a point where he's going to make good on his all-too-common threats to kill me. With my spine in the fragile state it's in, all it would take at this point is one solid punch to break my neck as is.

I'm a 30 year old male living with my parents, because 14 years of crippling pain caused by spinal osteoporosis has left me severely physically debilitated: 9 vertebral compression fractures, countless ligament tears and 3 badly-degenerated disks. As I am currently, I can only walk for 30 minutes at most under a lot of pain... so you can imagine I'm in pretty poor physical shape as is.

My entire life, ever since I was a little kid all the way to today, my dad has done nothing but constantly put me down, belittle me, tell me I'm a failure and never misses an opportunity to tell me he expects me to fail at anything and everything - while always happily voicing his disappointment in me. This is always done with the same old tone of "What? What problem? We both know you're a worthless loser who doesn't deserve respect - I'm just saying it like it is."

Over the last handful of years (maybe 7-8) he's turned into a violent lunatic. Absolutely, 100% of any problem or disagreement with anybody (no matter how small), even the smallest thing that might disturb his peace, instantly (and I mean INSTANTLY) results in him grabbing me and slamming me against the wall with his fist in my face with that same old look of blind-rage on his face where I know he's totally beyond any form of reason. Absolutely ALL of these situations warrant the same formulaic sequence of events: First it's "Shut the "F" up, I don't wanna hear it" and even if me and my brother or mother go to a 100% civil tone and continue discussing the matter calmly, if I fail to "shut the "F" up" on any matter 1 single word after he says that, he grabs me, slams me into the wall, fist in my face and threatening to pummel me into dust.

The thing about my dad is it's not just my disability and weak state: he's a BIG guy and former heavyweight boxer (very good one too). He even sparred with heavyweight champion George Chaevalo. During the 90% of the time we're getting along, I just quietly accept his constant condescension and put-downs and don't even let it phase me any more. But now, any time anything even *Slightly* disturbs his peace his hair-trigger is set off all the time now.

I can't count how many times he's gone after me with the baseball bat and I've had to run like hell (which isn't easy when you're semi-crippled). Dodging swings, leaping off the balcony and taking off, whatever it takes. Then there's the scarier times when he's gone after my little brother so I have to stay and protect him; diplomatically, *barely* managing to talk him out of it EXTREMELY carefully.

But these last few months have proven that he's gone so far off the deep-end that he *IS* going to kill me. He's on the most absurdly-fine hair-trigger all the time, and when I do *anything* to set him off, it's straight to physical attacks and SERIOUS death-threats. He doesn't just say it because he's angry, his desire to kill me - the source of "disturbing his peace" - by stepping slightly-wrong on the egg shells, happens maybe once about once a week. And of course, after each incident he "apologizes" when he's gone on a truly-insane murderous rampage, and I know it's nothing but a lie to impress my mother; he holds to an unwavering belief that each and every giant blow-up incident is all my doing, my fault.

Tonight was reflective of countless other nights in the last few months. I had a *slight* argument with my mother, and instantly his fist is in my face with "shut the "F" up". The thing is, despite all the fear, I've felt so god-damn weak and helpless and scared every time this happens over the years - always running away and escaping by the skin of my teeth - that I'm just overcome with anger at letting him continue to do this to me. So I dared argue back and he grabbed something to beat me with, so I palmed a pocket knife that he couldn't see, knowing he'd very likely try to kill me.

While he's screaming "Shut the "F" up!" - because ALL that matters is that everybody do so and NEVER disturb his peace - I see that I'd better back down. So I discreetly slipped the knife back into my pocket and said "you're right, I completely screwed up. I never should have yelled" (because I lost it and yelled back when he threatened me for the billionth time). I know it's stupid to stand up to him, but I've been backing-down and running away for YEARS - many times he's pinned me yelling "you're just a crippled little wimp, I can F-'in kill you and there's nothing you can do about it" - and I'm SO angry at myself for always backing down and letting him bully me.

This last response ("you're right, I screwed up. I never should have yelled") triggered him to grab me and scream in my face "SHUT THE "F" UP!! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! I'll F-'in kill you!!!" and paralysed with fear I just said "I'm sorry. You're right. I'm sorry....". That just enraged him further and he threw me into the wall, walked into his room and said "I'm getting my gun. I'm gonna F-'in kill him!" and my mother desperately pleaded him not to go through with it, physically blocking his gun case and just barely managed to talk him out of it.

These death threats are standard operating procedure now. The physical attacks are a guarantee; I've just gotten tremendously-good at physical evasion over the years.

Of course, I fully expect a BS "apology" from him tomorrow, but what little dignity I have left just won't let me accept it this time (which would be a first), I don't care if it makes him attack me; I'll hide a machete on me and be ready. I CAN'T STAND one more "accepting" his "apologies" just because I'm scared and he thinks his physical power makes him god.

He really does want to kill me, even when he's not angry. He's had nothing but contempt for me since I was born - seriously (for the most part) because I wouldn't get in fights at school and prove to him what a "Man" I am. Now he's disgusted by what a "weakling cripple" I've been since I was 16.

I can't move out of the house because it's too painful for me to even cook a simple meal. I can't travel without my mom driving me places, can't do anything really as I can't even walk half the time because I'm in such excruciating pain. He also gets REALLY mad and tells me to "Shut the "F" up" when I get hit by a sudden/extreme bout of severe pain, slip-up and cry out in pain. Even a grunt of pain that slips out makes him angry for disturbing his peace. He's LITERALLY incapable of understanding the concept of suffering or needs that don't directly affect *HIM*.

I know this was long, but I didn't know how to truly explain in a shorter way. Thank you, sincerely, to anyone who actually took the time.
Please, PLEASE can someone tell me what to do in this situation? I can't survive on my own... but clearly, WON'T survive staying here much longer.
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Re: Disabled: Dad probably gonna kill me - no idea how to escape

Postby littlebird11 » Wed Jun 29, 2016 11:59 am

VERY IMPORTANT: if you are in immediate danger, get out of there and call the police, and also call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233 (USA), and if you are in a different country, use the internet to discover the number for your area. Don't wait, get out of there and run to safety! There are people willing to help you, shelters, churches, etc. But do not stay! You are in grave danger and must leave and never return! He is not ever going to change, and will only get worse! Go to a hospital if you can and tell them your story, they will know who to call and will help you get the help you need and a safe place to be!!
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