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*may trigger* I hit him, for the first time, in public.

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*may trigger* I hit him, for the first time, in public.

Postby makemyselfsick » Mon Nov 16, 2015 4:22 am

Hello, this is my first entry here.

I have borderline, I'm recovering from bulimia nervosa.

I've been together with my SO for about 2 years. We've had a tumultuous relationship - to say the least - it comes with the territory. Regardless of my condition, we had been together happily for most of the time. Lately, however, I've been lashing out. Badly. He discovered I had relapsed into my bulimia and decided he couldn't be with me because I was so selfish to have relapsed. I - apart from his influence - decided that in order to progress in life that I had to move on from this disorder no matter how difficult. Unbeknownst to him we got back together, but my behavior was still erratic.

We went out the other night with his friend to a very crowded bar. I told my SO at the beginning of the night that I had forgotten my phone at home (I had actually made a call from his cell to order our food at the beginning of the night). The bar was so crowded that once we got inside, we never found each other. I ran into a mutual friend about 2 hours into our stay at the crowded bar, and he had mentioned that my SO and his friend left. I walked back to his car in a hurry hoping to catch them before they drove off, only to find his car still parked.

I waited for over an hour, freezing with no jacket, for them to arrive. I understand that I did not tell him to meet me at his car if we got separated, but I was so upset. I felt abandoned, alone, and a complete wreck. I wanted to walk home on my own accord, but my experience with that in this city is one of assault - mind you I had pepper-spray in hand the entire time.

I had a hunch where my SO might be, so I went there, found him and immediately punched him in the face.

He said he had called me several times throughout the night, and I feel awful about hitting him, but had he listened to me he would have know that calling me would have been useless because I told him I didn't have my phone at the beginning of the evening.

I've apologized, but I feel like we shouldn't even be talking anymore. Even if he understands my instability and his role in provoking some sort of reaction, my actions are insane and no one deserves to be abused.

I don't know what to do.
Last edited by Ada on Mon Nov 16, 2015 10:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Trigger warning added. No other changes.
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Re: *may trigger* I hit him, for the first time, in public.

Postby seabreezeblue » Tue Nov 17, 2015 10:50 pm

Can i ask why you've been lashing out recently? Is it because you've lost the bulimia as a way of reducing the emotional turmoil?
I've never had bulimia (not voluntary bulimia anyway.. there is a question about whether involuntary bulimia is a possibility.. long story) but I have an on -off anorexia issue and i know that when i'm in the middle of anorexic stuff, I feel more in control in my emotions - they're more stable and i'm not filled with quite as much self loathing.

I think that you saying you shouldn't be together anymore is probably a really helpful thought right now - if your partner isn't safe while you're feeling so unstable then a temporary rest away from each-other is a good idea.
I know it's a really really difficult thing to accept responsibility for hitting your partner but the responsibility is yours and not his.. your partner is in no way responsible for you punching him. an ex of mine hit me because i didn't put the washing up on the draining board properly - he'd told me how we wanted it and i should have listened.. that's what he said anyway - he justified it to himself by apportioning the blame elsewhere - on to me. It wasn't my fault.. at all.


However; those emotions of yours have to go somewhere - now that you've made huge progress with the bulimia.. you're going to need a much healthier way of reducing the emotional buildup before you can't hold it all in anymore.
Do you have anything that you do that might help a bit? maybe journaling/poetry/art/even scrawling all over a piece of paper/stamping your feet/shouting as loud as you can into the wind..

I don't think your actions are indicative of being insane - i just think your raw emotions are way too strong for you to deal with without some new tools - therapy is a really helpful option for stuff like this.. have you tried it at all? I hear some really good things about DBT and i know that CBT is pretty good..
You can find healthy ways - promise.

Have you checked out the BPD forum yet? There are some really lovely members over there and they're all really supportive and can probably give some more informed advice about how to reduce the emotional swirl a little bit to a more manageable level; borderline-personality/
I'm sure they'll be very happy to have you join them (:
Shine me a light up
and i'll run round the moon..
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