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Some help or something would be good...

An Open Discussion on Physical Abuse.

Some help or something would be good...

Postby Necro8 » Wed Oct 21, 2015 2:13 am

Hello,

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post as I have a basket of problems now, but it started with a physical assault at the beginning of this year. I'm not too sure why I'm here, what I'm doing but I thought reaching out somewhere was better than stagnating in my own depression. Sorry for the really long post...

At the start of the year, I attended a music festival with my friends and went back to their place for an after party. I bumped in to my ex from around 4 years ago. I always try to be pleasant as we share mutual friends. As this was an after party, there was a lot of drinking, I cannot recall the night properly either from intoxication or the concussion I sustained later on in the night.

My ex and I got in to a verbal altercation, I assume I have tried talking to him throughout the night as I have received no closure from the torment he put me through (emotional abuse, gaslighting, dehumanizing/demonizing, stalking and emotional blackmail), we got into a verbal altercation, I have tried calming him down, asking if we can speak like adults and he started shrieking and getting up in my face. His volume got louder and louder, so I started yelling... I placed my hands on his shoulders and said "can you please listen to another human being for once" this was a bad idea, calling an abusive gaslighter out on stuff and trying to communicate with a narcissist can end badly, but I didn't know that. He screamed "don't attack me" and grabbed me by the hair, forced me down and repeatedly punched me in the head and face, while tearing chunks of my hair out.

I had no idea what was going on, all I could feel were painful blows to my head and left eye. Each blow sending a ringing noise through my head. The next thing I remember is crying, holding my face and looking at his current girlfriend who was in a panic when she saw my face (my left eye had swollen up very quickly) and she called an ambulance and came with me to the hospital.

I was still intoxicated so the police couldn't get a statement from me at the hospital. Though I found out in the doctors room that he had hit his current girlfriend during the altercation as she was trying to pull him off of me. For some reason, I assume through abuse and emotional blackmail, she is still with him.

I tried being nice, I didn't publicly name and shame him or get a protection order out against him. I regret the latter. I swayed other parties out of getting their own form of revenge, telling them that bashing him wasn't going to solve anything. I tried being the bigger person.

After the assault, I had post concussion syndrome for about a fortnight, a massive black eye, a hairline fracture, vitreous detachment, a sore jaw (which stopped me from eating properly for a short time), a bruised scalp (I couldn't brush my hair for days) and because of such, I could no longer study, I had to drop out of my floristry course. Once the post concussion syndrome had passed, the post traumatic stress followed, then anxiety leading to agoraphobia and finally depression.

I have since moved from the city I was in to the coast, about a 2 hour drive from where I was, to stay with my family. My doctor recommended rehab, I looked in to the place that I thought best for me (as they catered to a vegan diet and a more natural approach to things) but found out it was $50,000 and I don't have that sort of money laying around. So, I'm staying with my father and brother.

Suicide has gone through my mind and for a time, it was the only way I could fall asleep, thinking about all the different creative ways I could end it all. I could never follow through with it though, as I have failed in the past and to fail again would just bring more depression.

I hardly go out, there was a time when I couldn't even leave the bedroom, it got so bad I wouldn't even leave to eat, shower or anything, I was just waiting out my days until I died. I have never in my life felt so bad. Not when my mother was diagnosed with leukemia, not while she was getting treatment for years and not when she died. I have never felt this bad before.

My natural sleeping tablets weren't working, my sleepy herbal tea didn't help, I had to go on medication, against my own morals, in order to get better and have to take a benzodiazepam just to fall asleep. Only now, the past fortnight have I gained a regular sleeping pattern. For months I couldn't sleep properly, awake for days or asleep for days. I would have reoccurring nightmares of the assault, wake up in sweats thrashing around in bed trying to fight off the attack. I had so much stress that even in my sleep I couldn't rest, I started to grind my teeth so badly in my sleep that I've worn away a few millimetres and now have stubby sensitive teeth.

I still have terrible dark circles under my eyes and look like a drug addict. Which is another thing that prevents me from going out. I have no dreams, goals, aspirations or hope. I feel so alone and tired.

The only thing that keeps me hanging on for anything is my companion animals, my rescue dog Mischa, when I wake up, cuddles into me and smiles and I know if I were to die, she would suffer greatly. My cat Pantera, always seems to know when I'm having an anxiety attack or when I'm spiraling into a deep depression, she comes and cuddles into my chest and tries to purr away my problems. I honestly don't think I would still be here if it weren't for them.

The court case has been adjourned multiple times by my ex, from what the police have told me, he was dodging them for some time, refusing to cooperate with them and is building a case against me. He's claiming I use to be the abusive one, I use to beat him and ruined his life. Though it was very much so the other way around. He drove me to a mental health ward with emotional blackmail, implying if we broke up he'd kill himself, which made me in turn, want to kill myself, because I wasn't happy in the relationship and just wanted to escape.

To be fair, there were times where I had attacked him. I'm not saying it was the right thing to do, because violence is never the answer, and this might sound hypocritical, but these times were under certain circumstances that at least justify my getting upset.

The first time was on a New Years, I had approached him about our sex life, one night in particular, when it was painful for me. He screamed, so all of our friends could hear "I didn't rape you" which was not what I was getting at at all... I was just trying to let him know, so we could avoid it in the future. Later in the night he had "accidentally" burnt me three times with his cigarette, which may have been the case as we were on drugs (yes, I know, not good at all). My mental state was not clear and my "friend" convinced me while I was trying to go to sleep that him and his friends were all laughing downstairs at me. I saw red and was so upset that he made me feel a fool in front of our friends when trying to talk about our personal life and hearing them all laughing downstairs must have triggered something bad. I went down stairs, slapped him in the face and left the place we were staying at.

The second time, it was around Valentine's day, I had found out that he had left me half naked in a tent at a German music festival with a random German guy. I was drugged and raped... But I didn't know that he had left me there with some random to go see a band. I confronted him about it after finding out, he started screaming again, yelling "you deserved it because you're a whore" which obviously is upsetting, he left the room, slammed the door, I followed, jumped on his back and started thrashing around, hitting his chest and sobbing. My brother (and housemate at the time) pulled me off of him and sat me down in his room while he went out and talked to my now ex. Tried using reverse psychology on him to break up with me. Which didn't work.

The third time was when I was fresh out of the mental health ward, I was released in to his care. Bad idea. This was one of the times he had emotionally blackmailed me in to getting back together with him. He for some reason thought it a good idea to go to a party. I wasn't going to drink as I was on medication and didn't want to risk a relapse of depression and told people as much. My ex and "friends" said it'd be alright, they'd look after me and to just drink and have some fun. I stupidly listened to them and got drunk. My ex, who had just conned me in to fixing things up with him, spent the night incessantly hitting on a significantly younger girl... I can't remember the night, since being drugged and raped in Germany I seem to have blackouts when drinking (which is why I now only drink once in a blue moon) and I woke up at my parents house and had the incident told to me by my best friend. I had apparently, in attempts to hurt him as he did me, started hitting on everyone to make him jealous. Then I had walked up to him, grabbed him by the hair and tried to knee him in the face. I don't know why... When I found out, I was so disgusted and ashamed of myself. I started calling around, trying to get a hold of him to apologise and see if he was ok. I couldn't get in contact with him right away so I called his sister and explained what had happened and if she could locate him and make sure he was alright. I owned up to my wrongdoings, apologised and dealt with my problems and bettered myself as a human. When apologizing to him in person, he laughed about it, he had sustained no injuries and thought it was funny.

I have never been the cause for any abrasions, bruises or marks on him.

I haven't received an apology from him, he has been dragging this case out and has been spreading malicious rumours about me once again. He has had one of his friends continuously slander me on social media and "justify" his actions. I do not feel safe in the city, where my current partner is, where the universities/schools are, where my friends are and where I want to live my life. I do not feel safe leaving the house, I have paranoid thoughts, a self destructive urge, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks... I just don't know how to make it stop. I want to get a protection order out against him for peace of mind, a safety blanket, but believe he's trying to get one out on me. He's been asking people for character references and witness statements from insanely biased friends. One of his childhood friends was an eye witness to the assault this year and is testifying for me, he has cut him out of his life because of this. The same with another childhood friend. There are a few people, his friends and our mutual friends that don't want to associate with him now, even one of his family members. But there are a lot of people on his side, making excuses and saying I deserved it, saying they're going to buy him a beer for what he did.

I know he's a grandstanding, attention hungry, abusive narcissist but sometimes I feel like I deserved this, because how can the majority be wrong? But does anyone really deserve suffering to this extent? I know I wasn't the best girlfriend in the world but he was never even close to being a tolerable boyfriend. The emotional abuse he put me through, all the gaslighting and emotional blackmail... Did I deserve it, was I a terrible girlfriend? Was I so abusive? I don't understand, I don't feel like I was abusive, I remember trying very hard to win his attention... I remember him letting his friends and band members sexually assault me. I remember him telling me to shut up when I was crying after the realization that my mother was dying sank in. I remember him never holding my hand or helping me cope with my mother's illness. I remember him shaming me in public. I remember him hitting on and showing attention to every other girl but me. I remember holding his hand through his hardships... Supporting his dreams and hobbies... Looking after him when he was sick... Am I perhaps only seeing what I want to see and am actually the bad guy here? Am I so mentally deluded that I can't even see how bad I was and that he was actually the victim?

I've worked so hard not to be the person he's painted me up as. I don't do drugs, rarely drink, donate to charities, went vegan and I try my hardest to help people in need. I just don't understand... Do I deserve this? I wouldn't wish this upon anyone, surely no one deserves to feel like this. How am I suppose to get closure? Do I deserve it? Do I even deserve to live? Should I just do the world a favour?

What is life anymore?
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Re: Some help or something would be good...

Postby The_Ghoul » Wed Oct 21, 2015 11:25 pm

You have wasted too much of your time on this man already. Get rid of everything that reminds you of him , refuse to discuss him , and move on. You mention alternative medicines , does that mean you are open to meditation? If so , I highly recommend it. Focus your mind on being you and being past this , because their is so much more to life. Move if you have too. Realize that you are a uniquely beautiful human being worthy of life and everything good that the universe has to offer. Let me ask , If a gift is refused to whom does it belong? Do not let others make their suffering your suffering. This is a good chance for self growth and I promise once you come through this you will be a much more powerful person than ever before. Good luck and much love sister.
"Almost all absurdity of conduct arises from the imitation of those who we cannot resemble."

"Life is suffering. Suffering arises from delusional ignorance. There is a way to end suffering. This way is the Noble Eight fold Path." - The Four Noble Truths
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