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Paralyzed

An Open Discussion on Physical Abuse.

Paralyzed

Postby breathoffreshair » Thu Jun 25, 2015 4:26 pm

My husband and I have been together for six years and married for 2. We have a son who is only 10 months old. From the start there were signs of emotional abuse but i just didnt see them. I am a psych major and read a lot about abusers and their patterns. The isolation, the control, the mind games. They were all there but I still have a hard time thinking my husband is capable of all that. Within months of meeting i dropped all my friends and stopped talking to most of my family. In high school I quit all extracurricular activities including the basketball team which I was the captain of because it was what he wanted. I had to say no to jobs because they took up too much time and would cause him to get mad at me. He was always giving me the silent treatment when we first were dating every time i did something he didnt like. I always felt like i was the one who needed to change and never him. I hated myself and felt lucky to be with a man who cares about me enough to stay with me.

Our religion believes in purity before marriage. We would get together and he would always try and fool around. If I didnt hook up with him he would get mad and not talk to me until I did. Then when we did hook up he would blame me for not saying no and seducing him. There was nothing I could do. When I did say no and stuck to my guns he would fore himself on me. This happened daily for years.

When we were in college so many friends and professors came to me and told me i needed to leave. They all saw the abuse but for some reason I didnt want to. I only ever saw the good in him. When we got engaged my soon to be sister in law even created an intervention of sorts to show me the way he was treating me was not right. I was anorexic at his request. While others were concerned he was proud of me. He didnt need to hit me. I was so deep under his control it was like I wasnt even a person.

We were married and I took on all the responsibilities. I did all the cooking and cleaning. I had sex upon request if I didnt want it or not. i provided for the two of us and made sure he got what he wanted. After being married for 3 months we found out we were pregnant. When our son was born things changed. My husband spent little to no time at the hospital when my son was born. He was there for the delivery and to pick me up but that was about it. When we got home he refused to help and kept complain about how fat i still looked. He refused to take care of our son alone. School started again in the fall and we were both in classes. He would watch our son while I had class and I would work from home and watch our son the rest of the day. I was scared to leave our son alone with him.

He would scream and get mad whenever my son cried. Especially at night. I tried everything to stop my husband from getting mad. I even did all his homework on top of my own so he could relax when he got home. I was a slave and getting no sleep. Finally I couldnt take it anymore. I remember one day my husband was screaming because our son was crying and I spoke up and told him he was being a bad father (he was screaming how he hated our son and how he was going to kick him if he didnt stop even though he was only 2 months). My husband got mad and took our son from me holding him in one hand and pinnind me to the wall in the other. He screamed at me and told me that he is his son too and i am not going to tell him how to treat his son. I think that was the first time i felt he wanted to hurt me. We never spoke about it and I ended up apologizing.

Over the cousrse of the next 8 months or so the abuse got way worse. Any time my husband threatened my son in any way I fought back. My son was always safe but I wasnt. HE would punch me a lot, kick me, shove me, slap me. He would force himself on me if I didnt want sex. I remember once he held me down and put his arm on my throat choking me and told me he could kill me so easily.
The more i speak up the worse things get. I know i need to leave but I feel paralyzed. I dont love him anymore and feel both guilt and relief about that. All my feelings seem to contradict themselves. I dont believe he is abusive but I know he is abusive at the same time. I hate that I dont speak up for myself more. I want to leave but I have to stay. Its all so confusing. Right now I am just going through the motions. Living each day at a time. I dont know how to get out of this. Its me holding me back.
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Re: Paralyzed

Postby Terry E. » Fri Jun 26, 2015 1:30 am

I feel for you I really do, but I may not sound too sorry for you. I think you are in a bad situation. The life you dreamed of and have worked towards is now gone, at least for the moment. You can grieve for that loss, but it is gone, and just hanging around will make your recovery longer.

The other issues, and I apologise if I come on too strong, is that your child is suffering right now and this will only get worse. I cannot believe anyone with a sound mind could love the man you live with, but I hope you love your son. Get the two of you out of there ASAP.

At this stage you are not at the grab the baby and head to the shelter, but living in that house will damage that child and they don't deserve that. They are innocent .

You need to build an exit strategy. Where to go, who can help, cars, money, jobs, support from family or friends.

I understand there may be pressure from others to go to counselling, try to make the marriage work, but it looks like that ship sailed. Once someone lays hands on someone else and that person lets them, do it again by not leaving, I don't know if you could ever believe you are safe.

Work on that exit strategy, let us know your options, it may look hopeless but there are always options. When I was getting pounded on I would run out into the dark at night and hide until my abuser had gone to sleep, then creep back into the house try and sleep and then go to school the next day. Hard way to get good grades, but my options were very limited, it was that or getting beat up, rather badly. Work on your options.
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Re: Paralyzed

Postby breathoffreshair » Wed Jul 01, 2015 3:33 am

Actually there have been some take the kid and leave the house moments....weve slept in the car a few times or just walked around until he wsa asleep and then snuck back into the house....youre right though...i dont think i love my husband anymore but i do love my son more than enything


i guess my big hang up about leaving is a ton of guilt and im scared my husband would get custody over our son because all our debt is in my name and i dont have the family support like he would have

there have been so many opportunities but i just freeze up..like today i went out and someone noticed the bruise on my cheek and asked what happened. I made up some lame excuse and they asked me quite bluntly if my husband had done it...i just denyed it....idk i just get so anoyed with myself fr not being brave...everytime i have the chace to leave i back down
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Re: Paralyzed

Postby Terry E. » Thu Jul 02, 2015 10:30 pm

You need to find someone who you can talk to. It is so easy for someone in an insane situation to rationalize it. I know that first hand. It is often only when you talk to someone else does the crazy life you lead stare you back in the face.

If you cannot talk to a friend talk to a marriage counselor, (just you) or a family member, Don't be scared of being judged, it is the lesser of two issues.

You appear to have been emotionally mentally beaten down. Talking to someone can clear the air and bring back mentally clarity you may be missing.

Take care, and see what you can do.
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