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My girlfriend choked me twice was I right to punch her?

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My girlfriend choked me twice was I right to punch her?

Postby Depressed_Fiance » Fri Sep 19, 2014 1:14 pm

I will try to keep this as short as possible (I have asked this elsewhere but would require more advice please.) I'm hoping you can help/advise me asap as I feel I am losing the love of my life.

Just over a month ago I went to see my fiancé at her place (she still lives with her parents) in the early evening to catch up etc. She appeared to be quiet & snappy with me after a few hours of being in her company which I put down to her long week at work.

As the evening went on I asked her if she was ok to which she said that she was fine. Later on I asked her again & she snapped that if there was something wrong she would tell me - fair enough!

She didn't want dinner so I ordered a take-away for myself. When it arrived I was eating in the garden as it was sunny (she was sat next to me sunbathing) & then she went inside as she said she was too hot.

I followed inside 5mins later & sat downstairs. She had disappeared upstairs & around 20mins after I finished my dinner I went up to see if she was ok, she appeared ok but looked moody. So I went back downstairs to sit with her parents (giving her space - sensing her mood.) She later came down & we all watched tv.

As the night went on she was snapping at her mum for the most minor of things & was getting a bit sarcastic - becoming rather nasty. Her mum did say to her to stop swearing etc. Throughout the tv watching she barely said anything to me.

Shortly after her parents decided to go to bed so they went & turned the light off leaving the tv on for us. 20mins went on & I tried to make small talk with her which resulted in one worded responses.

At this point I'd had enough so I said to her that I was going home & not to contact me until she had snapped out of this horrible mood. She then grabbed my arm & said "don't leave me" so I said I'm not leaving you, I'm just leaving the situation.

She then said that her gran was unwell & that she felt she was the only one looking after her. She then accused me of saying that I like a picture of a famous woman on facebook. WTF!

Now the scary part..........

So I took a deep breath & stood up, & as I turned round (she must have shot up) & I felt both her hands round my neck pressing really tightly & this look of madness in her eyes. I found myself doing the same to her (to try and free myself.) This was the first time we have ever had a physical confrontation or even argument in the 2yrs we've been together (it has always been a honest, loyal & happy relationship.)

I pushed her onto the couch & I stumbled forward slightly, I then stumbled back by which point she leapt up, jumped on & sat on me & started choking me again. There was no speaking throughout this scuffle.

I was shocked & scared at this then suddenly her mum & dad came running downstairs panicking wondering what was going on. Her mum tried to pull her off (with some force as my fiancé is strong for a woman.) I then remember lashing out shouting "get off me" as she was pulled away with a struggle from her mum.

As she got up her dad switched the light on & my fiancés nose was bleeding so she ran for a towel then stormed over to me & slammed the engagement ring into my hand & said get out this house before pushing me outside. I apologised & said I didn't realise I had punched her (especially to her face) as I couldn't see exactly where I was 'aiming' because it was pitch black but she said get out so I did & went home.

I phoned my parents explaining what had happened & they said not to phone her that night as it will make things worse. So I waited until the next day before phoning her but she ignored my call, I left a message & she texted me to say I could meet her that evening outside. We talked & I apologised profusely & she said she could forgive me for the struggle but not for the punch & that she wanted space for a few days with no contact.

Basically I want to know if there is anyway I can get my fiancé back as I truly love her, don't want to lose her especially of this & she said she still loves & cares for me (when I met her the following day?)

I am not a violent person & have never hit a woman before but this was a genuine accident.

I hope you can help me here as I'm so depressed & miserable right now & this was just a silly incident that got out of hand.

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Re: My girlfriend choked me twice was I right to punch her?

Postby seabreezeblue » Sun Sep 21, 2014 12:24 pm


this sounds like a really really difficult situation for the pair of you..

The first thing i'm going to comment on is your question from the title you gave this thread.. ''my girlfriend choked me twice was I right to punch her?''
I'm going to have to say; No, you weren't right to punch her.. This is over and above reasonable force but i can completely understand how it happened; in the heat of the moment, when someone is being attacked, their system jumps into fight or flight mode in response. You had no-where to run to so you went into fight mode.
So; I lay no blame on you for this one.. your girlfriend on the other hand is laying blame on you here and i understand why.. she's scared that it could happen again.
You had already strangled her in return for being strangled.. an understandable though regrettable action. her mother was at the time dragging her off of you.. your punch was therefore over and above a reasonable defence..
I'd like to take a moment to explore what you've said about it being too dark to see what was happening in the room at the time and this is why you punched her..

I think that this is not quite the whole story since you could see her face clearly - you mentioned this in your post.. I think that as i've mentioned; you were simply in fight/scared/get off me now mode.. when this mechanism kicks off in your brain, it doesn't allow for rational thinking.. it is purely a sub-cortical reaction which makes you react.
If you think to a time where you heard a sudden noise which made you jump/flinch/move rapidly away from the source of perceived danger = can you remember your body reacting entirely without any conscious thought..? and then can you remember finding out a second later that you jumped/ducked/flinched for no good reason and then possibly felt embarrassed about it..?
This is the same kind of reaction as i believe you experienced with your girlfriend..

I can't see you as being to blame here.. i also can't see your girlfriend as being wrong to finish things with you.

I'd also like to explore your self esteem a little bit.. your girlfriend/fiance sounds like she's really not very nice to you.. her behaviour on that day = was that an isolated set of behaviours just on that day or is she like that a lot..?

I can't tell you how to get her back but would you consider going for a bit of counselling at all to help you out a little bit.. ?
Even if you just use the service to talk through the relationship breakup then it might be useful.. also; if your girlfriend/fiance is willing to = asking for couple counselling might allow the pair of you to see if you could work things out.
Shine me a light up
and i'll run round the moon..
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Re: My girlfriend choked me twice was I right to punch her?

Postby grandgnu » Thu Jul 30, 2015 12:04 pm

When I was 19 I was engaged to a girl who was 23. I had just gotten a new job, a management position that I started the very next morning. It was late and we were going to bed. She decided that would be a perfect time to "discuss" (i.e. yell at me) about how I had been mean to her all week.

I tried to explain to her that I needed sleep for the new job in the morning and we should discuss this later, she said she would stop but then she started right back up with arguing while I was trying to sleep.

Eventually I had enough and took my pillow and whacked her a couple of times saying "shut up shut up shut up!" (not super hard, but not light and playful either) and she wound up kicking me. When she did I started to fall out of the bed.

Your first instinct when falling is to try and grab something to stop the fall, so my hand shot out and wound up slapping her thigh as I fell off the bed.

The next morning we broke up because she said she wasn't going to be with a man who hit her (obviously mine was an accident and wasn't intentional abuse, but she saw it differently, similar to what you're going through)

I am going to be celebrating 10 years of marriage this October with a different girl, sometimes things just don't work out. Your fiance' is either going through a really difficult time right now and needs your love and support, or she's out of control and you might be better off getting out now before regretting wasting a lot of time with her down the road only to break up again. I don't know which path is correct for you, but I wish you the best in finding it.
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