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First time abuse; confused and hurting

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First time abuse; confused and hurting

Postby cjb » Fri Jul 25, 2014 6:35 pm

Hey all,
As this is a new and confusing issue for me, I feel I need to gather advice from those I am not close to, to, garner a less- biased perspective.

I grew up in a household where physical abuse of any kind was not tolerated. We were never even spanked. My parents were narcissistic-codependent, however, but they are now in recovery.

The man I have been with for almost 4 years is former military and did two tours in Iraq. He was injured and may have sustained TBI or PTSD. He is a self- proclaimed narcissist, and being such, is able to keep a closer examination on his behaviors. He is verbally abusive from time to time, but it is something he has worked very hard on and greatly improved. He has never been physically violent towards me at all until the other night.

We do self- therapy sessions from time to time. We create a space where we are able to let down ego defenses and openly discuss whatever we need to discuss. Most of the time these sessions are very beneficial and bring us closer. However, during the latest session, we ended up fighting. After I touched him when he asked me not to, he choked me. Later, he asked me to leave our room, and I told him I had a right to be there (I am working on standing up for myself and setting healthy boundaries) and that he was free to leave the room. He pulled my hair and choked me and screamed in my ear.

When he realized what he had done, he became suicidal, and asked me to kill him. He felt/feels horrible about it. When the topic was brought up today, he said he feels as though he has "regressed years" (he has struggled with depression) and that I need to leave him because he thinks he is a violent "woman beater" and it could happen again. He says that the fact that he hurt me is all he can think about and he is unable to be happy.

I want to seek couples therapy, and when I mentioned it to him, he said he had "tried it" like it would not work. He just wants to talk about me leaving. I forgive him, but he thinks this in unforgivable and that I have Stockholm syndrome.

I am not sure how I feel about all of this. I had NEVER thoght he was a violent person and I still don't. Our relationship had been improving daily until this incident. Seems like it came out of nowhere.

Any comments or questions are much appreciated. Thank you for taking time to read this.
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Re: First time abuse; confused and hurting

Postby cjb » Fri Jul 25, 2014 10:43 pm

As an addendum: I am torn about what to do right now. I want to continue the relationship, and I am not sure under what pretext it is appropriate. How can I convince him to seek help or not be so hard on himself? Am I even thinking about this clearly?
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Re: First time abuse; confused and hurting

Postby Prairie gal » Sat Jul 26, 2014 5:31 am

I'm sorry you are hurting.

Sounds like something has gone haywire in him. Don't do therapy on each other.
I think you each need your own counsellor. Later you could do couples therapy.
What he did is very serious and shows considerable anger, not to mention a lack
of self-control.
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Re: First time abuse; confused and hurting

Postby sillybunny84 » Thu Aug 07, 2014 11:07 am

Hey there ,

I feel your pain , The first time my ex slapped me it shattered me , my world and everything I ever was . Of course he did the same asked me to leave him , got depressed ... etc .
After seven years of continuous abuse and trying to save him and our relationship , I learned that I really didn't love or like myself I didn't even have any respect for myself and day by day I had to realize that yes he is sick and I can feel bad for him but I can't heal him while destroying myself and I can't be with him or I might end up dead . Do you want to save yourself ? or him ? just remember loving yourself is not selfish . Do you not want to live a normal life ? free of fear that he might have one of these episodes again ? .
Notice I said the first time my ex slapped me it did get worse and worse and worse , I swear we would take one step forward and two steps back , You don't have to hate him to leave but you just have to love yourself more than you love him .
That is my opinion from a woman who has been abused , My only regret in life is trying to fix someone while they broke me down :(
If you ever need someone to talk to I am all ears , I know it's hard to talk to close family and friends about such a subject
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Re: First time abuse; confused and hurting

Postby cjb » Sun Aug 10, 2014 9:55 pm

Thank you for your astute and compassionate replies.

Sillybunny, you are right; loving oneself is not selfish. I suppose I am still learning how to do that fully, and it is not easy. It is difficult to know where to draw a line and how to best set boundaries. As of now I am playing by ear. I truly appreciate your openness and willingness to listen.
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Re: First time abuse; confused and hurting

Postby klutzy » Sun Nov 01, 2015 1:18 am

I noticed this post is from over a year ago. Did you stay?

I am in a similar situation. My husband of a year and have been separated for about 6 weeks. I am so confused and lost and hope he'll change.
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