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delayed development!?

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delayed development!?

Postby createmeover » Tue Jan 14, 2020 4:45 pm

not sure where to start and will try not to write my life story here or anything too personal.
i have had a really award childhood . ptsd since i was 2. raised at home til elementsry school when i was 5. never got along with anyone at school i had really poor social skills. had a very diferent midset than others. was really afraid for my survival all the time and had panic attacks due to this. always thought in terms of fear for my self.perservstion/pleasure which i noticed other children didnt
also my gender dysphoria was another major problem as while other children dedicated such a big amount of.importance to gender roles i felt like i had to.simpl ignore anything related to this topic because i was in the wrong body and that couldnt be changed. my fears along with my interests/pleasures were the biggest reasons i soon stopped interacting with my classmates in breaktime or did but in a very lethargic non responsive way falling behind . when 5th grade came this intensified and i wouls hang out on my own in breaks. 6th grade more or less the same. i had several panic atacks in these two years and i alaays haveing anxiety attacks and fearing for my self perservation. i went to a school with really poorly educated people and many violent ones. also was bulliyed. 7th grade went to another class which was a lot better than the previous one but still didnt fit ij however i for some reason panicked over the thought of hanging out alone in the breaks and people seeing that.why? i have no idea. walking down the hallway in the first break of 7th grade i freaked out and said to myself 'anything but alone because people wil look at me' i instantly approached the first group of peoole from my new class and acted out clowny stooding there they laughed a bit and asked me.questions and basicly i made myself look like a retard in order to beg some aproval. funny thing is i never identified with these.people in the least. when i went to high school 10th grade a new diferent class i already knew there was alot wrong with me i knew it would be literally a live or die (if i knew what i know now i would have run aaway or something) i just needed help so much but looking back i know none would be able to help me school or family. so i basicly dug my way to high school acting like a complete freak and pretending to be the oposite of what i really am to avoid any links that could give away my fears. i waa so packed in problems but i didnt hope for help like i did through all middle school i waa simply trying to cover my flawa because i knew that if i didnt they would be exploited instead of helped. afterhigh school i went on lwith my life to college. which was stupid of me because i should just understand that i will never go anywhere in this state of mind. tons of panic attacks in college however the social part of it wasnt as frightening because in college theres a bit more tolerance and freedom and the course i took was a bit alternative as well. i cant eat in front of people tho i also can never go to any social event of any kind because i feel completly inapropriate anywhere i feel like i dont knwo the 'rules' for anything other than.home school supermarket doctor etc.. i cant do anything social that is not in those settings. this really bothers me because i cant go in coffeshops either or anything small anything normal that people do on a daily basis
main topic now..i feel like im conpletly underdeveloped in every way possible except that i can articulate /reason and process ideas fairly well. never in a formal way tho, with proper steps. i feel like suxh a freak emotionally and socially though. i know i set myself to failure big part becauas i refuses many oportunities however i did it for a greater good . i needed to asser my personality and becauae i have always had such a weak sense of self people alwyaa tried to take advantage of that and try to change me.
needless to say i never had help or support from family. instead they made me feel like i was 'abuse matter' for them if i ever implied any weakneas about myself . if it waa bad enough that became a serious thing they would lash out on me like if i didnt have the right to have problems and burden them with them.
im 30 now and i never worked i feel like i could work but like as a small children job like cleaning or something that doeant envolve me being a capable resposnible adult.
also i feel like im a child inside. in my mind i am a child.. except that i have to live as an adult. theres definitly something wrong with me . i would like some opinions on this please?
i
ps in case you think im just an.immature spoiled person i can assure you im not
createmeover
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