Personality Disorder Disorder

As I go from doctor to psychiatrist to doctor to specialist, my psychiatric disorder always remains a personality disorder but it never seems to stick to one type. It's clear as day that it is debilitatingly severe but nobody ready gets it and the older I get, the more people around me recover (which is great for them) but I feel alone with my thoughts.

Adding chronic illness just makes everything worse because now I don't have the energy to act like how I am supposed to act like.

I also have weird hours because of my allergy to the sun, so I tend to wake up late afternoon and go to bed early morning.

I would like to feel happyish once more, even for one last moment, and then just disappear.

I have that allergy to the Sun too. They call it photosensitivity.

My advice would be not to look at other people, it can only breeds envy. Also what others think, do you really want to know? they will only judge the image they have of you, and on top of that, an old you.

It's already good that they accept you have some difficulties, so they might lower their expectations, keep that thought in mind, and try to make it your happiness.

IDeerInHeadlightsI wrote:my psychiatric disorder always remains a personality disorder but it never seems to stick to one type.

That's what I realized. The best way I can describe it is: at one extreme "mixed" means [almost] all the traits of [almost] all the disorders existing together simultaneously. Like a tossed salad. At the opposite extreme, it's like MPD/DID (as it's been characterized in media, at least): distinctly disordered personalities. It's somewhere between those two. It's not a constant medley of traits. Nor is it detached "people" in me either. It's something in between. It's almost DID/MPD "instances" of myself, each disordered one way or another; unique that way. But, not very disassociated. It's more like a person "not normal" in different ways that seem like different people.

Another way I describe it is like one of those faceted mirror balls from the disco era. If I were just a disordered smooth, polished mirror ball, it would be the same disorder as I spin. I'd express it to everyone direct the same way. But, it's like *facets* that, one points this way, one that way; one reflects light with a red ting, the other blue. (One has a scratch. The other doesn't. One's missing, etc.). It's not so fractured that it's different balls. But, it's not "just one" in the way it's commonly understood. It's like the traits arise differently, but grouped together consistently enough (each way) that it can seem like a different person.

ScamLikely wrote:It's somewhere between those two. It's not a constant medley of traits. Nor is it detached "people" in me either.

More like OSDD-1a or 1b maybe?