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Missing my old life, before being a parent... is this normal

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Missing my old life, before being a parent... is this normal

Postby mamabee223 » Mon Mar 28, 2016 5:13 pm

I am a mom to an 8 month old baby girl. I am not married but in a long term relationship with the father. The stress of parenting, has us both stressed and at each other's throats....we are trying to get through this, but I am having a terribly hard time. Please before any judgement know I do love my daughter, I miss her when shes not with me, and I woulnd't change it.

I miss my old life, I miss the freedom, I miss going out with my boyfriend on a whim, I miss traveling, or getting into the car not worrying about anything, I miss it all. I feel so terrible even saying these things, I want to get over it because I love her and I love sharing memories and moments with her. What I miss most is being with my partner, we go out seperately because most of the things he does are last minute and too last minute for a babysitter, or he likes to stay out much later than a babysitter is willing to stay so I have to end up staying back. Maybe what makes it hard is having a partner who also misses all the things I do, but he does them still. He still goes out last minute with his friends, stays out until 4 am when he does (once or twice a month), he still plans last minute beach trips with his friends, or goes on work trips, or to see his family in another country. He still gets to the gym every other night or every night. He still meets people. I do get out to see my friends, but I always have being a mom on my mind, I cna't stay out later or be too tired, or go too far, always worried about her.

I wish I had someone who didn't want to go out, just wanted to be a family and once a month meet up with his guys but hes almost 40 and still likes to go to the club or bar hop with his buddies. I feel like I am forcing him to stay in with us, it's beginning to effect my outlook on life.

I just want to learn to be happy and look at life for what it is, appreciate what I have, maybe know it's "normal" to miss and mourn my old life. I just feel that the death of my old life, and spontineity will also be the "death" of my relationship because he is such a free spirit, that this life doesn't allow for what we once had and what we fell in love with.

I don't have much leave from work, and it is hard to plan and travel with a baby. Especially last minute.
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Re: Missing my old life, before being a parent... is this normal

Postby seabreezeblue » Sat Apr 02, 2016 11:26 am

No judgement from me mamabee - and i think that most other parents would probably understand as well..
It's clear that you don't resent your child - you simply wish that you had support and everything else that we all need.
this is the stuff that no-one really tells you - that yes, you have a lovely baby and you love them so much but your life changes rapidly and in ways that you really don't even think about before the baby is born.
It's perfectly natural, normal and okay to mourn your old life and especially when you have a partner that isn't supportive.

I think that you're going to have to try and focus on what you need now and leave your partner to make his own decisions about what he does or doesn't want to do.
I'm seeing that you're very very lonely and your partner is the main person making you feel that way.. I think that if you embraced your new life and everything, it would be a lot easier on you. You can't go back now but you can move forwards.. I hope your partner chooses to move forwards with you but if he doesn't then he's an idiot.. there's nothing in the world that's more important than being part of a loving and caring family.
You need people around you that understand and you need a new support system and social group.

The first thing that's really important is a mother and baby group.. do you go to one at the moment? if not then please try and find one..
Days out are difficult but you can go to the beach.. you can go and feed the ducks in the park.. you can go swimming.. you can go to the zoo.. you can do any number of things - new things..
I hope your partner chooses to do them with you but he's the one that's going to miss out when your child is a little older and he's missed the first steps because he's out with his friends.. or he's missed the first word.. the first day at nursery.. the first day at school.. first ride on a donkey - first missing tooth.. the first time they refuse to hug you in front of their friends because ''ick mom :roll: ''..
the first really important exam.. the first crush and first gf/bf..

sometimes the person we love really isn't going to be a good enough parent.. i hope yours settles down and wants to be a parent but please try and create your own life while you're waiting for him to make up his mind.
If you ever want to talk then please just send me a pm - i know how much of a struggle being an unsupported new mother can be.
sending hugs over
Shine me a light up
and i'll run round the moon..
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Re: Missing my old life, before being a parent... is this normal

Postby manghambrian » Wed Aug 17, 2016 6:11 am

For first three months I guess it is normal. Because it takes child to adjust with the outer environment. Gradually child adjusts, but definitely parents have to put some extra effort to maintain the schedule for having happy parenting. Time for feed, time for sleep, time to play with baby etc should be defined at initial stage.
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