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Teenager manipulates his divorced parents.

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Teenager manipulates his divorced parents.

Postby JuliaMaple » Mon Mar 07, 2016 9:15 am

My husbands son, uses his parents (ex wife of my husband and my husband) to avoid the consequences of negative behavior and wrong decisions.
He manipulates them and it causes complex situations, he is 15 years old.

For example:
He is with his mother and he has a fight with her, he calls her names, gives her the finger and shouts so hard that the neighbors ring the doorbell in alarm.
His mother decides that he is not allowed to go to his hobby club (which is archery) for 1 time. So that they can use that time to talk about what has happened instead.
He threatens to go anyway and that if she will not let him, he threatens that he will go to stay with his father so that he is allowed to go to the archery club.
More arguments and then she threatens him that if he truly decides to do that, he is not welcome to come back anymore.

We did not know about all of this, she communicates nothing.

So, on archery day he suddenly arrives at our doorstep very late in the evening and tells us he has been kicked out of the house and is not allowed to come back. He puts up a sad story about having no where to go and how unreasonable his mother was. Then he turns to his phone and happily starts making selfies with funny faces to send to his friends.
We figure out he has gone to the archery club on his own.

My husband tries to contact his mother, but she does not reply for hours. In the end, my husband sends him back to her, telling him to put serious effort into solving his problems with her.
There is some drama, but he goes, and then everything is silent. No messages from him, or his mother, we have no idea where he is until late in the night. Then he writes a message with lots of drama about how horrible they are and that no one cares about him and wants to have him in the house.

Two days later its the time where he normally comes to us, so he does. He has lots of heroic stories about how he withstood the time with his mother and seems to have no remorse or awareness in any way. We talk to him, for a long time, trying to get him to be reasonable. He seems to understand it in the end and promises to try to fix it and do things differently.

When he goes to his mother again, he returns after a little while, completely angry and shouting about all they did. Again a sad story about everything they did and we believed part of it. Stupid of us, because it turned out not to be true and he in fact gave her the finger again.
So we send him back.. again, trying to not let him have this easy way out.
But.. she kicks him out again..

What to do?
My husband has no other choice then to let him in, and keep him here. But this makes his manipulation a successful one. Then he knows he can do anything he wants, and then just go to the other parent.
His mother does not pick up the phone, so a conversation between my husband and her is not possible, which is very sad I think, because it seems to be the only way to deal with this new behavior. She cannot keep on kicking him out. She probably wants us to do the same, but if she does not let him in, and its late, .. we cannot close the door on him. He is 15, that's insane, its a child.
But its not constructive to give him what he wants either. He has to stop treating his mother this way.
He is welcome here, but not when he comes here just to avoid the consequences of his bad choices.
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Re: Teenager manipulates his divorced parents.

Postby seabreezeblue » Sat Mar 12, 2016 11:45 pm

ouch.. really horrible situation for everyone to be in..

Why doesn't she answer the phone? too stressed perhaps at that moment in time to want to answer it?

since she doesn't do phone calls though, sounds like your husband could do with going over there and talking everything through - make a deal with each-other that they'll discuss absolutely everything that happens so both parents are fully aware of the situation.

Is that something that would be possible.. ? if your husband won't do this then how about you.?
might be a good idea for you to try and get together with her and ask her what she'd like you to do in that kind of situation - unless she's being unreasonable in what she wants then take the lead from her - she's his main parent and the one that knows him best (this is probably also why he's acting like this with her.. he's testing out his boundaries)
Shine me a light up
and i'll run round the moon..
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