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Hi, I'm a pedophile.

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Hi, I'm a pedophile.

Postby fullupfedup » Sat Sep 03, 2011 1:19 am

Sorry if it's long, or if I'm doing this wrong.
So I figured I should share my story. I really have no one to talk to about it, and I feel like it's the best thing to do...
So, I'll start from the beginning. I'm a 16 year old girl at the moment.
I started masturbating when I was about 4 years old, not knowing what sex was. I did it almost every day, and even talked about it with my sister, unknowing of what it really meant. I had crushes on almost all the guys in my class. From 3. grade to all the way to 7th grade (Norwegian school system) I kept fancying the boys in my class. I probably masturbated every single day. Thinking about the boys I liked. The images of sex I had in my head got clearer over the years. And I never got tired of it, I enjoyed it. Having a crush on someone set my mind off important stuff in life, and made me happy. I wanted to grow up, marry a handsome rich man and have kids.
So then I started middle school, when I was 13. I kept getting crushes on the boys... But it just suddenly stopped... I was very confused, and I was depressed, because hey, I really liked being in love. I just couldn't do it, I just couldn't see a boy as handsome again. So naturally, I thought I was a lesbian. Which I was more than ok with. I thought of it as a good thing, because my life was incredibly boring, and maybe this would make things more complicated for me? I dunno, like when you play a game and it's not challenging enough.
But still, I couldn't seem to fancy any girls either. So I thought, alright, maybe It'll come later. But winter out, spring in, I still couldn't like anyone...
I remember jokingly calling one of my friends a pedophile because of her dating a guy a year younger than her. Upon further discussion on the subject, it made me curious, and I wikipediaed the true definition of a pedophile. Because of social medias and the general public view, the real image of a pedophile has been shattered, and replaced with a lonely, creepy old man out for young boys and girls.
But I'm not, I have many friends, I'm fashionable, I laugh a lot, I have respect, the only difference about me is that I'm attracted to younger boys. I've tried to tell my friends, but because of my personality, they think I'm joking, and don't take me seriously.
So anyway. I remember having a crush on my friends younger brother, he was 2 years younger than us.I still think he's cute, even though he's older now. He has the best personality.
Yeah. Anyway. I was still masturbating every day, not even knowing why, but feeling strangely attracted to younger boys. I wasn't sure what to think about it, but I knew I didn't have the same feelings for younger girls. I was pretty ok with it at first. I didn't really think about the consequences.
I started thinking about it every day. Not knowing whether I was getting turned on by the fact that it was wrong, sick, inhuman, or the fact that I simply enjoyed the sight of the body of a young boy. I'm still going through puberty, and I'm horny as ###$. I'd rather find out about this later on in my lifetime, so I wouldn't have to worry about simply being just a genuine pervert. My dream was to marry and have kids, but I realize now that it's not going to happen. I think, even though it's difficult, I'll just have to accept the reality I've been placed in.
I still joke about it almost every day, though. I still watch child porn, though. I don't really know anymore.
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Re: Hi, I'm a pedophile.

Postby Alevi » Sat Sep 03, 2011 7:45 am

Hi and welcome!

I think you wrote up a very nice introduction.
And I especially like that you can laugh of yourself, and that you have friends that can laugh with you. :)

I'm also from that country btw, so if there's anything specific to the law, mental health care or such that you want to ask, I could probably be of some help.

I'm not quite getting that you won't be able to marry and have kids, from what you write, though.
Could you maybe say something about why you think that is?

Also, do you get any arousal at all from looking at pictures of adult men, or is it pre-pubescent boys only?
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Re: Hi, I'm a pedophile.

Postby GinaSmith » Sat Sep 03, 2011 8:08 am

Hi fullupfedup,

Welcome to the forum. Forgive me if I'm being a bit dim, but what age range are you attracted to? You mention that you're 16 and you fancy a boy of 14. That in itself doesn't sound unusual. Are you attracted to pre-pubescent boys?

I would caution against watching child porn. Putting aside my feelings on it, it's still illegal and you could get in serious trouble if you're caught.
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Re: Hi, I'm a pedophile.

Postby fullupfedup » Sat Sep 03, 2011 11:10 am

Oh, hi! It's nice to know you're from the same country as me (: Yes, I also think it's good I can laugh about it. I mean, I thought so when I was younger, but I don't really think love is the only way to be happy anymore, seeing as I've kind of given up on that already. But we never know what will happen, right? So. What I'm trying to say is that the thought of being with a man is disgusting to me. I respect men, but I just can't see myself with them. That's why I thought I was a lesbian, but I'm not attracted to girls either. I don't get aroused by looking at pictures of adult men, no. I feel kind of uncomfortable, but I am younger than them anyway.
I know watching child porn is wrong, and I feel guilty for doing it, but I can't change the past.
And yes, that's why I got suspicious about me not liking guys anymore, right about the age they hit puberty. Her little brother is still small, but he'll grow soon. I don't like the idea of being with a taller, bigger man.
I just started high school a couple of weeks ago, and I can't see the boys in my class as attractive... I'm not saying I have a man-phobia, I just think I need to be the one in control.
I'm attracted to boys in the age-range of maybe 7-11, I think... It probably varies, though. I get nervous sitting next to them, even though I try to keep my pokerface on.
Thank you for replying (:
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Re: Hi, I'm a pedophile.

Postby michaelconfused » Sat Sep 03, 2011 1:48 pm

hey i'm 16 (i'm not a pedophile).
and i also like girls wich are shorter then i am.
i also like girls that seem a little les mature.
and i am attracted to girls from euhm 14-16y old.
i don't think these things makes me pedophile (i hope)
7-11 however euhm, and boys that are shorter then you are but the same age ?
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Re: Hi, I'm a pedophile.

Postby Blben » Sat Sep 03, 2011 2:20 pm

I guess my only advice is to say don't rush to think that you are a pedophile when you are so young, I had a feeling that I was different when I was that age as well and really didn't know the word pedophile or think that I was a certain way until I got older and realized that this is who and what I am. I am a pedophile and attracted to just boys and girls under the age of 12, I thought that for many years that it was just a phase and that it will go away, yet it didn't. I went through some hard times dealing with it. Its funny how when you are an adult and you find another adult attractive and that adult can be 15 years younger than you, yet if you find a child attractive then its wrong, go figure.
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Re: Hi, I'm a pedophile.

Postby fullupfedup » Sat Sep 03, 2011 4:57 pm

Oh, but I agree. I thought I was just going through a confused fase of my life, everybody does, anyway. But after more than 2 years of denying it I just kind of accepted it... I don't think bring attracted to children is wrong, but since the rest of the society thinks so, we don't really have much hope.
michaelconfused, I'm not sure if this is what you're trying to say, but I'm not attracted to shorter boys my own age, no. With shorter I meant younger, since that's what it seems I need. I have a need to be looked up to, I think. And being attracted to post-pubescent girls means you're what's called a hebephile, I think. It doesn't really matter what you're called, anyway. We're just people.
But hey, thanks for replies.
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Re: Hi, I'm a pedophile.

Postby michaelconfused » Sat Sep 03, 2011 7:02 pm

yeah but i"m 16 myself so its normal so i'm not a hebephile.
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Re: Hi, I'm a pedophile.

Postby fullupfedup » Sat Sep 03, 2011 9:29 pm

I mean if it continues as you grow up.
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Re: Hi, I'm a pedophile.

Postby Musicman » Sun Sep 04, 2011 2:15 am

Hey fullupfedup,

I've got a lot to talk to you about, and some of it is really important. I want to send it through PM, but you have your settings to not allow people to PM you.
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