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Arrivederci, everyone.

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Arrivederci, everyone.

Postby Maligan12 » Thu Dec 10, 2015 9:22 pm

So this is my final farewell to these forums. Maybe a lot of you will join me on the new forum but maybe we'll say good bye for forever. (Head's up, it's pretty long).

I will admit, that day when I was 15 and found a young girl in a bikini strangely fascinating I didn't think that much of it. How funny, I did think, that children are not allowed to watch sexy stuff on TV but can where that icon of sexuality, the bikini. Though I appreciate this perception of the bikini is socially constructed and a child should not be deprived of sun on their navel, the word alone is sexy to say.

I never hated pedophiles really. I used to wonder, why are kids raped so often? Why don't they want to get laid as badly as I did when I was 6? I once tried to write a pedophile lib story in class but it was pretty painfully written but I stand by the sentiment.

Not too long later when a 10 year old asked me for a hug and doing it gave me an immediate erection and I had to work purposely to the bathrooms to readjust and wait for it to go down with the thoughts "I'm sick, I am indeed so sick" crashing down on me and also thinking "oh, I'm not just a pedophile sympathiser after all. I’m part of the club.”

But I never ever felt or anticipated the amount of anguish that other people felt when they discovered their sexuality, indeed, how many who just could not admit it to themselves. Thankfully the one guy who stated outright that he would kill himself in 6 months is about 6 months late by now and appears to have changed his mind.

I forget what I typed in but I found this place and what a treasure trove it was. Such humour, pathos, terror and fascinating ideas were all around. It didn't occur to me it was a support forum, just a chance to bask in the glory of human sexuality, defending its dignity and beauty to those who voiced shame to innocuous desires, for a desire is always innocuous if you do nothing about it.

I forget what it was like to feel so alone in those moments I heard pedophile being demonised or when I saw a cute kid in the street. Here, I can see that I am not alone and will never really be alone because I know now there are others experiencing the same pangs I am. You may have been faceless except for the copy and pasted faces of Lewis Carol or Joseph Merrick but you had the character that made you more than some flaccid hypothetical “there must be others”.

On here, discourse was frequently to such a high standard. The arguments may have been at their heart rather circular but it was breath-taking to read and follow them. I could spend a whole morning doing it. We made our own terminology "anti-contact" and "pro-contact", and I dare say you helped inspire me to be the curious researcher I am now. I was surprised to find that most pedophiles on here were anti-contact. I knew not all pedophiles were rapists but the issue of consensual child sex just came naturally, I guess. Apparently it is not just bad to have consensual sex with kids; they literally "can't consent to sex".

I took to the pro-contact camp as naturally as a pig to mud. No matter how much I exposed myself to the discourse, I haven't really heard any argument that, to me, don’t beg further questions but I'm not here to antagonize anyone. I've done enough of that. (Remember "what do pedophile rights really mean to you? :) Pertinent question though.

I've met so many fascinating people. One time when people accused me of being a rape apologist (I do not care for rape at all, that is certain) someone sent me a message to make me feel better. It was just one message at first but we kept at it. And that is how I met Randi. We have chatted so much even though we live other sides of the world. She is someone I can always be a hundred per cent open with without provoking their wrath or vitriol. I know it's stupid but I can't help keep the possibility of emigrating to be closer to her a possibility. She's said she loves me but how can you be sure through an internet relationship? Either way, her friendship and sympathy is a treasure I cannot thank Psychforums enough for. I wish she didn't have her psychological problems but on one level but I'm just so happy I know her.

I dare say at least a couple of threads were locked directly because of things I wrote. I want to say I'm sorry to all the people. I tried to disagree respectfully but I know that's not how it always seemed and it probably wasn't. To everyone (even you, Elkahn, you're an admirable guy :), I know you're only standing up for what you think is right. And I'm sorry.

You moderators: I have never really left the oral stage of psychosexual development and I have a really bad relationship with authority figures. Many times I thought about just flipping you guys off and just getting a new account under a new name but that would have been petty. You guys kept this forum alive and active and made sure it was a safe and supportive environment, yourselves engaging in the discourse in an interpersonal way. It's not easy engaging with this material so often so good going. Thanks.

One time a guy was talking about his love for girl's feet and how he had engaged with a little girl for real. I messaged him at least though times to get details and 6 months later I did. I could not have stopped him, I think but I shared with him what was, taking what he says as completely true, a mutually beneficial experience for both him and the girl so I am glad I could hear about that.

There have been a lot of introductions, a lot of "I never wanted to believe that was who I was". It is quite nice to be able to say to someone "yeah we get a lot of that" and knowing what to say to make them feel better because you've been there too.

There's also been a lot of usernames (some arbitrary some super logical, all perfect for the person in question), a lot of quotes within quotes within quotes, a lot of signatures ("anyone remotely interesting is insane" being a favourite of mine) and a lot of disputes and meta-dialectic discussion.

I get why there's an age of consent. Sex comes with risks even if not every time. Like how having a beer or just 1 cigarette may not harm a child right away but how can we be sure if this is one of responsible children in a world that doesn't prepare them well to deal with their sexuality? But I'm still not convinced that contact from my private parts in its own right will cause that much harm. More teenage pregnancy is an issue I keep forgetting. Youthrightsradical is conservative compared to me because he "opposes sex with children in this society". I do not oppose that per se but I will obey the law. I have too many freedoms to risk them.

Whenever I meet someone I get along with well there's always that niggling in the back of my mind "if they only knew". All pedophiles must experience that. Keeping something secret seems easy enough but it wears away at you. Here we found somewhere we can be open and frank. Something that doesn't sound too luxurious but soon becomes and addiction.

We all know too many people read "pedophile" and hear "child molester, deviant, apostle of Satan etc." Even those who understand pedophilia as a sexual attraction to children have the most blinding anger toward them. I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't experienced it first-hand. It's not your fault. These are people how are too cowardly to ever hold a heterodox opinion and vent their anger and fear upon anyone they know society will back them up on hating because they need to know someone is below them on the totem pole. Often, it's all they've really got.

I am sorry I've lost my temper with people. But I will never apologize for finding kids sexy. No one should ever be punished for things they never chose to be. And even if I did choose this orientation, so what? So long as I plan to obey the law?

Don't let anyone tell you you're not good enough. If you have any regard for the happiness of other people, you owe it to yourself to love yourself.

These 18 months on here have been something special.

Proshchaniye, Adieu, Farewell and Thanks,

Love from,

Nathaniel
Let's judge each other on our actions.
Maligan12
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