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Am I a pedophile?

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Am I a pedophile?

Postby zachi » Fri Nov 06, 2015 3:10 pm

I'm a heterosexual adult male who has had a fetish for girls peeing in their pants/diapers all my life, before I even knew what sexuality was. When I masturbate, I essentially exclusively fantasize about girls peeing in their pants. Actual sexual activity/contact is not a common theme, and I personally am often not present in my fantasies.

I do enjoy actual sexual contact and interaction (exclusively with women of my age or older), but even then I have to fantasize about my partner peeing herself to be able to get off.

About a year ago I moved to Japan and started working at a daycare. I look after both pre-school kids and elementary kids. I love my job, and I'm very fond of the students, boys and girls, but over the course of the last six months or so, when I masturbate, I've found some of the girls' increasingly entering my thoughts. I didn't want to think about them when masturbating. The idea of it made me uncomfortable, not just because they're too young to have sexual thoughts about, but also because they're my students.

Well a few nights ago I was drunk and tired of fighting off the thoughts, and I figured thoughts are just thoughts, so I might as well let my mind explore it and see how I feel, plus I thought if I stopped resisting the urge would go away, so I let myself fantasize about one of the girls peeing in her skirt, including imagining the view from underneath. I didn't touch her or interact with her in the fantasy. It was only about her peeing herself; that's it.

Having crossed the line, I let myself have similar fantasies three or so more times since then. Each time afterwards, I felt bad about it and told myself I wouldn't fantasize about it again, but then I did.

I have no interest in touching a child or being touched by a child; I have no interest in having sex with a child; I have no interest in seeing a child naked or seeing children's genitals. I would never touch or hurt a child. But despite the fact that they are little girls, the thought of them peeing in their pants, especially on purpose, does arouse me. Further, I do find the girls very cute. I would go as far as to say that I am aware that they are very attractive young girls, but at the same time, that doesn't instill in me any desires to touch their genitals or have sexual relationships with them/kiss them/etc. However, if they accidentally flash their panties, or they are visible, I do look. (This feels like an instinctive response; seeing them doesn't really turn me on. I just feel an almost overwhelming curiosity to look.)

I'm extremely lonely here, I have not been able to find a girlfriend yet, my language skills are still poor, and I have no friends. Ever since I started masturbating at 17, the subjects of my fantasies have always been females around my age or older whom I know personally and have at least an amicable relationship with. From time to time celebrities/actresses/porn models are common subjects, but the subjects which make me feel most at ease have always been girls I know and don't hate. Nowadays, I see lots of hot girls all over, but there are no women who are regularly a part of my life other than my co-workers, whom I hate passionately. Has the recent interest in fantasizing about my students simply been my brain grasping for some emotionally safe model for me to map my fantasies onto? Or am I a latent pedophile?

I took a similar interest in a cute little girl who lived in my apartment complex a few years back (before coming to Japan) during a time when I was similarly lonely/depressed/isolated, and then completely forgot about her when I got involved with a co-worker (who was an adult, of course). At that time, she appeared in my thoughts when I masturbated, but I always pushed her out of my head and never fantasized about her.

Any insight/advice would be greatly appreciated. I want to again repeat I will never touch or harm a child, but I don't know how to feel about myself in light of these thoughts and feelings. Will it get worse? Or is this just an odd phase? Am I a pedophile?
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Re: Am I a pedophile?

Postby Mustelidae » Fri Nov 06, 2015 11:45 pm

You are not a paedophile. It just so happens that young girls peeing themselves is what sexually arouses you. Other people have come here with foot fetishes thinking they are paedophiles because they imagine young girls feet. It is just that their feet are very small, smooth and 'cute'. It just so happens that they belong to young girls. The fantasies involve young girls but it is the act of peeing themselves that turns you on, not the girls. You haven't been sexually attracted to prepubescent children for 6 months or more and so you are not a paedophile.
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Re: Am I a pedophile?

Postby Team78 » Mon Nov 09, 2015 12:22 am

Has anything in your life caused you to enter therapy? I dont know if I would enter therapy due to thoughts or a fetish.....Relationships with women okay? Are you depressed sucidial? Anxiety? Does your thoughts interfer in anyway? To me disturbing, you have to decide though what will put you in therapy..There maybe a perfectly normal cause for this fetish...
Dx: DID, PTSD, Panic Disorder

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Re: Am I a pedophile?

Postby zachi » Tue Dec 08, 2015 4:42 pm

Thank you for the replies. For what it's worth, I came to the conclusion that this was POCD. I had the thoughts a couple more times and became increasingly uncomfortable each time, and realized I was pushing myself to explore them to "test" whether I liked them or not. The last time I tried it, I was so grossed out and conflicted that I could barely continue. When I look back, it makes me really uncomfortable that I entertained the ideas briefly, but I realize in retrospect that the anxiety about the nature of the thoughts was producing the physical response (plus normal response to physical stimulus), and it came with none of the usual positive, satisfying feelings that accompany what I would call my "normal" masturbatory habits (i.e. fantasizing about adult women).

I suffered from HOCD (fear of being gay) for a couple months about a year and a half ago, and have had various other OCD problems all my life, like religious OCD, handwashing, etc. (I still have to check my alarm clock three or four times before I can fall asleep at night.) When I read more about POCD, it sounded more and more like how I felt--uncomfortable, nagging unpleasant thoughts, testing the thoughts up to and including masturbating, which was unpleasant and became more unpleasant, plus countless previous struggles with OCD--and it finally made sense.

Thank you for the support. I'm happy to close this uncomfortable chapter in my life.
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