Firstly, onemoreday, I have to say that you are incredibly astute and self-aware for 16! Your insight, honesty and perceptiveness are refreshing, and something you should take pride in.
The truth is that this does not come as a surprise to me anymore. Indeed I am constantly bumping into more and more blogs and forums of people with emotional and psychological challenges to contend with. All too often it seems, that these people have exceptional psychological insight and awareness, it’s almost like it comes in a package deal. I myself am 18 years old with pedophilia, and I consider myself to be relatively psychologically aware and positively astute to the subtle dynamics of my own psyche. I might even go so far as in saying, that in general, those who struggle a lot with deep rooted emotional challenges, have a great deal of emotional, spiritual and psychological energy inside them. And more specifically to pedophilia I would suggest, that people with particular character traits, such as creativity, love, care and sensitivity, are more prone to seeking alternate expression for their inner strengths, for example through developing emotional attachments to children. Children are (perhaps?) the most needing and accepting recipients of such traits.
Be that as it may, I wish to share some of the feelings I have, which are very similar, if not exactly the same, as yours. To start with, you said the following words which might have been taken strait out of my own mouth: "Personally, thinking about my attractions in an analytical light has helped me feel better about myself! Sometimes it is healthy to theorize" Well, I can more than relate to that.
Taking an objective analytical stance, and delving into the pool of subtle developmental and psychological factors that may have contributed to the development and exact nature of my pedophilia, - treating it as study of sorts - allows me to relate to my struggle in an intellectual realm rather than in an emotional realm. This helps me come to terms with it, and significantly reduces the weight of the burden. When I do eventually piece together the puzzle, I often feel really good and proud about myself.
The question "is there more to pedophilia then sex?" is a very thought provoking question, and it has started a very interesting discussion. I for one can only talk for myself, but I believe many others might be able to relate to my experiences, so here goes:
As I said, I'm an 18 year old male. As it stands, I have a physical, sexual attraction to minors, primarily boys between the ages of 9 - 13. (Btw, I do have a sexual attraction to adult females as well). Now, I was not always sexually attracted to children, it is something that somehow developed in the last few years. By contrast, I can say that I have always been attracted to children on an emotional level, something that has been interestingly been termed (above) as "pedo-social" tendencies.
To be sure, I have always enjoyed being in the company of children. They fascinate me, their innocence and honesty is adorable and touching. I always like talking to school boys, I love watching school age boys interact with each other, be it games, fights, teasing, and playing. I find they are cute, genuine, raw, and refreshing. However up until recently I didn’t theorize too much about this devour I have towards children, because there was no sexual element to the attraction, and so I saw nothing to it.
At some point in the last few years I started feeling sexually attracted to children, the attraction has since grown progressively more prominent. This development has come as a real shock to my system, as I must contend with an attraction that, were it to be acted upon, would have devastatingly negative effects on children.
The emotional confusion is amplified, by the fact that my sexual attraction blurs my sense of reality. You see, I am able to perceive a situation where I have a romantic and loving relationship with a child. My fantasies are NEVER violent ones - that would make me sick. The thought of me dominating a child sexually, is so repulsive and off putting to me, I could never even dream of it. What I could fantasize about is, developing a deep, sexually romantic and loving relationship with a child. Of course in my head I know that there is no such thing, a child is not capable of such a relationship, and even if they were, it would be awfully damaging to them. The problem is, I don't FEEL that way. I don't FEEL I would be harming them in such a relationship. On the contrary, my sexual urges present themselves as strong pangs of love, care, and romance. Blurred vision is scary, being aware of it and thus being extra cautious is the only choice I have. “You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have”
Amid all my confusion and uneasiness, I have had occasion to reflect on myself, to analyse, and speculate, regarding the underlying developmental issues which have allowed, and caused me to develop both an emotional and sexually romantic attraction to children. The 'results of my investigation' so far, are the following.
It all seems to stem from my own 'undernourished' childhood. I have come to realize, that there is an emotional yearning I harbour, towards my own childhood, which attaches itself to my perception of other kids. In other words, I feel the need, to be an innocent and cute child again, - this time - forever! So much so, that when I see a sweet young boy, in the shops or the streets, I am overtaken and engulfed by a feeling of desperation, desperation to be that child. It’s the call of my childhood. I have such a deep and profound yearning to the innocence, carefree spirit and image of my childhood. I am constantly wishing and dreaming that I could go back in time. You know that desperate feeling that I want to just be a happy playful 10 year old boy again. I miss it so so badly.
But why, what did I miss? Why am I so yearning to go back in time?
This is going to be long, so bear with me.
As a child I had it good. I was the cool and popular kid; I was strong, athletic, sharp, and socially smart. And so I didn’t really miss anything in that sense. However, I was never really a child enough! I was always ahead of myself. I was always very intellectually mature for my age. My mother tells me that I used to have 'philosophical discussions' with any random person I met, from the age of 6! I personally remember being a thinker from very young, always challenging the adults in my life with deeper questions. As I got older, about 10 or 11, I remember psycho-analysing my friends, with my mother, and to some of my friends (-who had no idea what I was banging on about). When I was 12 13 14, I had all my mates in my back pocket. I knew them all inside out, better than they knew themselves. I would use reverse psychology to manipulate discussions and class decisions. To cut a long story short(er), I would put it like this: my emotional maturity did not allow me to be a kid. It did not allow me to fit the slogan "boys will be boys", for me it was often a case of "boys will be men"
Now of course I was still a kid, I had my childish life as well. I had friends, lots of them, we played, we fought, we laughed we cried, we made trouble, we were punished, we were rewarded, we were cared for, we were loved, together, as children, all in a childish, boyish way! The problem is that I didn't do it enough. And therefore I say "desperation", I am desperate to go back to the childish side of my OWN childhood to do more of it, and just stay there, without becoming too sophisticated for my age. I find that I am constantly fantasizing, and replaying in my mind, moments of my own childhood, but specifically; moments of angelic innocence, moments of typical childish, boyish, mind-set and sweetness.
At any rate, the point is, that together with this phenomenon I'm experiencing, namely - a yearning to go back to the childish and carefree moments of my innocent childhood – has come a general obsession with children. This obsession manifests itself in many aspects of my life, some positive, some negative.
The positive: I love children! I respect them, I cherish them. I care for the emotional wellbeing of children! I am nice to them, I speak to them, and I smile at them. I am in tune with their world; I listen to them, I understand them, I relate to them. All this is a positive fascination I have with children, which results from my own 'under-nourished' childhood. I can't wait to be a parent, to have children of my own, and to relive my own childhood through them. (- if that's even possible)
The negative: what really knocks me off balance is, the fact that my obsession with children, has recently expressed itself in that I'm sexually attracted to them. This has come as right shock to my system, especially as it is in direct contradiction with the positive elements I just mentioned. This is the last thing I could ever have expected or deserved, being that I am someone who has always cherished children very dearly. To live with the two extremes, on the one hand feeling a care concern and overall devour for kids, and on the other hand, harbouring an ‘interest’ to engage in such a profoundly damaging way to children, is so confusing. I feel like I'm living with two, diametrically opposed psychological software.
This negative manifestation of my obsession with children has done big blow to my identity as a person, it has shaken my world. My only way to come to terms with it is, instead of embracing it, I humbly acknowledge it. I don't deny it, I simply recognize it as an ‘illness’ of sorts, which I have, but is not who I am, or what I stand for. To this end I like to take advantage of my 'positive obsession’, with the comfort and emotional security of kids, and use it to combat my 'negative obsession’. I cannot identify myself as someone who possesses an inclination to engage in acts which are so harmful to children. I do identify myself as someone who is committed, at all costs, to be a good, moral and ethical person. As such the notion of physically or emotionally harming children, or anyone for that matter, is unfathomable. I have never, and will never, touch a child in an inappropriate way, come what may.
So in summary, I think I may have perhaps offered a different spin to things here. I am suggesting that - just as in my case – pedophilia might merely be a part of a much bigger picture. In which case, yes, there is a whole lot more to pedophilia than sexual attraction. In fact the sexual attraction might just be the secondary ‘by-product’ of a similar psychological roller-coaster that I’m riding, one that I have described to the best of my ability.
I love feedback, comments and questions, so please bring them on.
KeepClimbing
P.S. I apologise to everyone if I went on too much, and especially to ‘onemoreday’ for doing so on your thread, I only did so in the hope of contributing to the topic being discussed.
You typed in exactly what was on my mind. There just seems to be something missing from my childhood, something I didn't do or have. Your thoughts have really got me thinking and hopefully other will read what you wrote. @Ethan, Interesting set of ideas, you just gave me a different point of view. Thank you, I will do some thinking about what you wrote. 
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