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Is there more to pedophilia than sex?

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Re: Is there more to pedophilia than sex?

Postby KeepClimbing » Thu Dec 20, 2012 9:25 pm

Hello to ‘onemoreday’ andeveryone else in this wonderful cyber community. I am new here and it is my first time posting. I have been eyeing this forum every now then for some time now, always 'planning' to post my story, but after reading this thread I decided to just go for it. I should and will, make my own thread at some point, but for now I want to share some thoughts and perspective which I think will contribute to the discussion at hand.

Firstly, onemoreday, I have to say that you are incredibly astute and self-aware for 16! Your insight, honesty and perceptiveness are refreshing, and something you should take pride in.

The truth is that this does not come as a surprise to me anymore. Indeed I am constantly bumping into more and more blogs and forums of people with emotional and psychological challenges to contend with. All too often it seems, that these people have exceptional psychological insight and awareness, it’s almost like it comes in a package deal. I myself am 18 years old with pedophilia, and I consider myself to be relatively psychologically aware and positively astute to the subtle dynamics of my own psyche. I might even go so far as in saying, that in general, those who struggle a lot with deep rooted emotional challenges, have a great deal of emotional, spiritual and psychological energy inside them. And more specifically to pedophilia I would suggest, that people with particular character traits, such as creativity, love, care and sensitivity, are more prone to seeking alternate expression for their inner strengths, for example through developing emotional attachments to children. Children are (perhaps?) the most needing and accepting recipients of such traits.

Be that as it may, I wish to share some of the feelings I have, which are very similar, if not exactly the same, as yours. To start with, you said the following words which might have been taken strait out of my own mouth: "Personally, thinking about my attractions in an analytical light has helped me feel better about myself! Sometimes it is healthy to theorize" Well, I can more than relate to that.

Taking an objective analytical stance, and delving into the pool of subtle developmental and psychological factors that may have contributed to the development and exact nature of my pedophilia, - treating it as study of sorts - allows me to relate to my struggle in an intellectual realm rather than in an emotional realm. This helps me come to terms with it, and significantly reduces the weight of the burden. When I do eventually piece together the puzzle, I often feel really good and proud about myself.

The question "is there more to pedophilia then sex?" is a very thought provoking question, and it has started a very interesting discussion. I for one can only talk for myself, but I believe many others might be able to relate to my experiences, so here goes:

As I said, I'm an 18 year old male. As it stands, I have a physical, sexual attraction to minors, primarily boys between the ages of 9 - 13. (Btw, I do have a sexual attraction to adult females as well). Now, I was not always sexually attracted to children, it is something that somehow developed in the last few years. By contrast, I can say that I have always been attracted to children on an emotional level, something that has been interestingly been termed (above) as "pedo-social" tendencies.

To be sure, I have always enjoyed being in the company of children. They fascinate me, their innocence and honesty is adorable and touching. I always like talking to school boys, I love watching school age boys interact with each other, be it games, fights, teasing, and playing. I find they are cute, genuine, raw, and refreshing. However up until recently I didn’t theorize too much about this devour I have towards children, because there was no sexual element to the attraction, and so I saw nothing to it.

At some point in the last few years I started feeling sexually attracted to children, the attraction has since grown progressively more prominent. This development has come as a real shock to my system, as I must contend with an attraction that, were it to be acted upon, would have devastatingly negative effects on children.

The emotional confusion is amplified, by the fact that my sexual attraction blurs my sense of reality. You see, I am able to perceive a situation where I have a romantic and loving relationship with a child. My fantasies are NEVER violent ones - that would make me sick. The thought of me dominating a child sexually, is so repulsive and off putting to me, I could never even dream of it. What I could fantasize about is, developing a deep, sexually romantic and loving relationship with a child. Of course in my head I know that there is no such thing, a child is not capable of such a relationship, and even if they were, it would be awfully damaging to them. The problem is, I don't FEEL that way. I don't FEEL I would be harming them in such a relationship. On the contrary, my sexual urges present themselves as strong pangs of love, care, and romance. Blurred vision is scary, being aware of it and thus being extra cautious is the only choice I have. “You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have”

Amid all my confusion and uneasiness, I have had occasion to reflect on myself, to analyse, and speculate, regarding the underlying developmental issues which have allowed, and caused me to develop both an emotional and sexually romantic attraction to children. The 'results of my investigation' so far, are the following.

It all seems to stem from my own 'undernourished' childhood. I have come to realize, that there is an emotional yearning I harbour, towards my own childhood, which attaches itself to my perception of other kids. In other words, I feel the need, to be an innocent and cute child again, - this time - forever! So much so, that when I see a sweet young boy, in the shops or the streets, I am overtaken and engulfed by a feeling of desperation, desperation to be that child. It’s the call of my childhood. I have such a deep and profound yearning to the innocence, carefree spirit and image of my childhood. I am constantly wishing and dreaming that I could go back in time. You know that desperate feeling that I want to just be a happy playful 10 year old boy again. I miss it so so badly.

But why, what did I miss? Why am I so yearning to go back in time?

This is going to be long, so bear with me.

As a child I had it good. I was the cool and popular kid; I was strong, athletic, sharp, and socially smart. And so I didn’t really miss anything in that sense. However, I was never really a child enough! I was always ahead of myself. I was always very intellectually mature for my age. My mother tells me that I used to have 'philosophical discussions' with any random person I met, from the age of 6! I personally remember being a thinker from very young, always challenging the adults in my life with deeper questions. As I got older, about 10 or 11, I remember psycho-analysing my friends, with my mother, and to some of my friends (-who had no idea what I was banging on about). When I was 12 13 14, I had all my mates in my back pocket. I knew them all inside out, better than they knew themselves. I would use reverse psychology to manipulate discussions and class decisions. To cut a long story short(er), I would put it like this: my emotional maturity did not allow me to be a kid. It did not allow me to fit the slogan "boys will be boys", for me it was often a case of "boys will be men"

Now of course I was still a kid, I had my childish life as well. I had friends, lots of them, we played, we fought, we laughed we cried, we made trouble, we were punished, we were rewarded, we were cared for, we were loved, together, as children, all in a childish, boyish way! The problem is that I didn't do it enough. And therefore I say "desperation", I am desperate to go back to the childish side of my OWN childhood to do more of it, and just stay there, without becoming too sophisticated for my age. I find that I am constantly fantasizing, and replaying in my mind, moments of my own childhood, but specifically; moments of angelic innocence, moments of typical childish, boyish, mind-set and sweetness.

At any rate, the point is, that together with this phenomenon I'm experiencing, namely - a yearning to go back to the childish and carefree moments of my innocent childhood – has come a general obsession with children. This obsession manifests itself in many aspects of my life, some positive, some negative.

The positive: I love children! I respect them, I cherish them. I care for the emotional wellbeing of children! I am nice to them, I speak to them, and I smile at them. I am in tune with their world; I listen to them, I understand them, I relate to them. All this is a positive fascination I have with children, which results from my own 'under-nourished' childhood. I can't wait to be a parent, to have children of my own, and to relive my own childhood through them. (- if that's even possible)

The negative: what really knocks me off balance is, the fact that my obsession with children, has recently expressed itself in that I'm sexually attracted to them. This has come as right shock to my system, especially as it is in direct contradiction with the positive elements I just mentioned. This is the last thing I could ever have expected or deserved, being that I am someone who has always cherished children very dearly. To live with the two extremes, on the one hand feeling a care concern and overall devour for kids, and on the other hand, harbouring an ‘interest’ to engage in such a profoundly damaging way to children, is so confusing. I feel like I'm living with two, diametrically opposed psychological software.

This negative manifestation of my obsession with children has done big blow to my identity as a person, it has shaken my world. My only way to come to terms with it is, instead of embracing it, I humbly acknowledge it. I don't deny it, I simply recognize it as an ‘illness’ of sorts, which I have, but is not who I am, or what I stand for. To this end I like to take advantage of my 'positive obsession’, with the comfort and emotional security of kids, and use it to combat my 'negative obsession’. I cannot identify myself as someone who possesses an inclination to engage in acts which are so harmful to children. I do identify myself as someone who is committed, at all costs, to be a good, moral and ethical person. As such the notion of physically or emotionally harming children, or anyone for that matter, is unfathomable. I have never, and will never, touch a child in an inappropriate way, come what may.

So in summary, I think I may have perhaps offered a different spin to things here. I am suggesting that - just as in my case – pedophilia might merely be a part of a much bigger picture. In which case, yes, there is a whole lot more to pedophilia than sexual attraction. In fact the sexual attraction might just be the secondary ‘by-product’ of a similar psychological roller-coaster that I’m riding, one that I have described to the best of my ability.

I love feedback, comments and questions, so please bring them on. ;-) :wink:

KeepClimbing

P.S. I apologise to everyone if I went on too much, and especially to ‘onemoreday’ for doing so on your thread, I only did so in the hope of contributing to the topic being discussed.
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Re: Is there more to pedophilia than sex?

Postby sylvievere » Thu Dec 20, 2012 11:53 pm

Hi Keepclimbing,

Welcome! I'm very happy you're here to add your voice to the forum. Yours is a positive, thoughtful, articulate presence, and is sure to be of value to others.

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Re: Is there more to pedophilia than sex?

Postby HowardCL » Fri Dec 21, 2012 3:12 am

I sure hope so because I have been a pedophile for the longest time and have never viewed my pedophilia as just sex with children, I think there is a lot more to being this way than always wanting to have sex with young children.
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Re: Is there more to pedophilia than sex?

Postby EthanEdwards » Sat Dec 22, 2012 11:26 pm

Very interesting discussion. I'm also co-founder of Virtuous Pedophiles (virped.org), an organization many of you would be eligible to join if you wanted.

One way to look at it is to say that the range of personalities in 'ordinary' folks is found in those who are attracted to children as well. There are some men who just want sex with women, and either just get it directly or manufacture enough enthusiasm to have a relationship, but what they really want is sex. But then there are many who just love women in every respect. That probably includes a sexual interest, but the interest stays in the background until its consummation seems like a real possibility that the woman also wants. That sort of personality interacting with a child will experience no sexual attraction, since the child won't respond in that way.

I knew I had a soft spot in my heart for girls for a long time, but I was past 50 when I realized that if I imagined a situation where it was OK to act on, the attraction had a strong sexual component as well, I'd just been suppressing it.

At this point I can have happy fantasies about purely sexual relationships with girls, but also think a lot about love and romance and unconsummated relationships.

Some of you feel awful at the sexual thoughts you have for children, knowing that acting on them could be harmful. I have something to consider. Suppose I'm an ordinary guy and have the hots for Angelina Jolie. I get a picture of her and masturbate to it. Now, in fact, the chances that Angelina Jolie would want to have sex with me are tiny. Am I fantasizing about raping Angelina Jolie? No. I've just transformed her in my fantasy into someone who would want to have sex with me. You can do the same thing with a boy or girl. Ordinary grown-ups don't hate themselves for feeling sexually attracted to partners they know are totally unavailable and inappropriate for them.

One charge people lay against pedophiles who don't act on their attractions is that the fantasy is sick because it's a fantasy of raping a child. That's not true (or not always true). While sex with a child is rape because no truly informed consent is possible, a fantasy of sex with a child is not a fantasy of rape.
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Re: Is there more to pedophilia than sex?

Postby samsomething » Sun Dec 23, 2012 4:25 pm

Ethan hello didn't no you were on here ......it's Elle from your group I recently left the group hope your survey went well I would have liked to have taken part however I left the group before it was finished :-(
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Re: Is there more to pedophilia than sex?

Postby FreeSpeech8 » Sun Dec 23, 2012 6:29 pm

@EthanEdwards, those are some brilliant points that can't be emphasized enough.
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Re: Is there more to pedophilia than sex?

Postby Simontheo » Sun Dec 23, 2012 10:03 pm

Welcome Keepclimbing :) You typed in exactly what was on my mind. There just seems to be something missing from my childhood, something I didn't do or have. Your thoughts have really got me thinking and hopefully other will read what you wrote. @Ethan, Interesting set of ideas, you just gave me a different point of view. Thank you, I will do some thinking about what you wrote. :)
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Re: Is there more to pedophilia than sex?

Postby EthanEdwards » Sun Dec 23, 2012 10:59 pm

@Pink. Not sure I'll be participating regularly, but it's me, yep. Nice to 'see' you again.
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Re: Is there more to pedophilia than sex?

Postby KeepClimbing » Mon Dec 24, 2012 10:37 pm

Thank you Sylvie and Simon for your welcomes. - a little feedback goes a long way. :)

@EthanEdwards, I checked out your website, it seems like it’s still very much in the development stages, but it sure looks to be promising. Well done!

I personally have some reservations concerning the attitude you have expressed in your above post, allow me to share.

You seem to feel that pedophiles should allow themselves the freedom to indulge in their fantasies of children without feeling any guilt or shame. After all, no harm is being done with fantasy alone.

I understand the motivation behind your approach. We all have the right to feel good about ourselves, and not drown ourselves in shame and low self-esteem because of an attraction we did not choose. In as much as I am in the same boat, and have often been miserable about the attraction I have to children, your approach has its appeal to me.

Having said that, I am still wary about it, In fact I think it is slightly counter-productive. I find that for me, to allow myself the luxury of indulging in sexual fantasy of children freely, causes me indulge in it more often. The more one indulges in sexual fantasy, the more they become obsessed with it. The more one obsesses with sexual fantasy of children, the more they need to express the obsession. One thing leads to the next, I therefore worry that once you indulge, lines can become blurred - one day you fantasizing about a particular kid, the next day your 'hitting' on them, the next day you’re getting too close for comfort. I am not suggesting that this is a definite chain effect, I'm only pointing out that by indulging in the fantasy of children and expressing it even privately through masturbation, is only making the challenge of celibacy greater. In fact I (who does also have an attraction to adult women) try to never even indulge in any private sexual activity such as pornography and masturbation, even if it involves consenting adults. I take these measures of self-restraint so as to give me further safe guards, because I know that one thing leads to the next and I will end up arousing myself to fantasies of minors, which could in turn lead to further indulgence in this realm.

And so I propose a alternative approach to yours. I would maintain that we ought to set the bar very high for ourselves, and make every effort not to indulge in sexual fantasy or activity even in our private life. HOWEVER, these self-imposed restrictions are not to be set in place out of shame or fear, but rather out of sheer pride! Pride that you are willing to take extreme measures of safe guard, to guarantee the safety, security and purity of innocent children. To be sure, there is no shame to be called for based on pedophilia, its is a natural development for so many of us. Yet the more we choose to abstain from expression of child-oriented sexual fantasy, the stronger we identify with our ethical and moral concern for the emotional and physical health of children. And if this is the motive behind the abstention, then we have much to feel proud about ourselves.

I'm only sharing what works for me in the hope that others may benefit from it. My objective is not to impose my opinion on anyone - take it or leave it. But do consider it before you dismiss it. :-)

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Re: Is there more to pedophilia than sex?

Postby Simontheo » Tue Dec 25, 2012 9:42 pm

I did think about what Ethan wrote, but I have to agree with KeepClimbing. Allowing myself to masturbate to sexual fantasies involving minors would most likely lead to CP, then hitting on a kid and etc... @KeepClimbing, I've forbid myself from masturbating or having any kind of sex with adults. Eventually the person gives in. You can spend a week without masturbating but eventually you'll end up masturbating. Also, if you stop doing anything related to sex, you will see that it will get harder and harder to resist thinking about sex or relationships with kids... like you said, one thing leads to the next.
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