Our partner

About My Condition, & What I Seek From Shrinks

Panic Disorder message board, open discussion, and online support group.

About My Condition, & What I Seek From Shrinks

Postby Noitartst » Thu Jun 30, 2016 7:05 am

Hello; I have anxiety disorder, as well as panic attacks. I send the following to explain my background, and the help I seek from counselors, AKA shrinks. Specifically, per this:
http://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/how-to ... -bothered/
gameplan, I seek to escape apathy, and am looking for moral and emotional support.

Hopefully, I can find some, here; my current BHR counselor's balking, and frankly, the thought of doing anything that might make my family think well of me strikes me as disincentive to do it.
.......................................................................................................................
I write the following to any and all of my “counselors,” be they in the past, present, or future. In any case, familial turmoil stems from the following:

To really lay it on the table would involve explaining how me 'n my siblings were raised, which was fundamentally Christian. I had a very happy childhood, but after our father died, she became leader of the household, but was poor at it.

If you're always screaming, and acting frustrated, that doesn't command respect, let alone trust, and as an eldest son, I didn't simply feel bad, but I felt responsible, if in an ineffective way. I basically tried enforcing for someone that was not just erratic, reactive, and emotional, but simply bad at following through.

I should have instead tried providing leadership in her wake, but given my lack of understanding and confidence, I didn't.

I tried being the good son, the loyal son; I focused on schoolwork to the point of burnout, and just became a wreck by degrees. As my mother sank into menopausal depression, I was sinking into anxiety disorder, which would, over time, morph into something along the line of panic attacks. 

Basically, I was trying to form some sort of working relationship with my mother, but it was dysfunctional, from the word "go." No it doesn't help that I've got Aspergers replete with loner tendencies, but in the end, I think my relationship with my family was taking a distinctly downward turn. I was learning to distrust my mother, my siblings, and in particular my brother Chris. I would, in time, ultimately come to distrust myself after a fashion. 

Oh--and did I mention that we had a very intense sibling rivalry with lots of physical violence? 

Add to that, values; like I said, we were taught to be devout, and I at that time, had chosen to be well, The Devoutest of the Devout, and yes, it was in part out of a kind solidarity with my mother, even if she didn't reciprocate.

Okay, here I am, nearly fifteen, siitin' in the back seat of my car, playing the the "shut up" game with Chris: "You shut up, no you shut up, no you..."

Now my mother had broken us up before, but this time, she had done so in an angry commanding way, that she had never done, before. She was feeling stressed, even as I was feeling stressed; I chose to key off of her, instead of just going back to dealing with Chris on "shut up" like I usually did, and instead chose to make it a Hill to Die On.

Was it wise? Hindsight wouldn't suggest it, but I was trying to take a stand. In time it became basically more isolating, and more infuriating that he didn't listen, and I just became obsessive on the topic. 

Controlling? Can I see myself as controlling, given how I acted? I think so, but keep in mind—that and the anger largely stem from a sense of powerlessness to communicate; Hellen Keller was plenty smart, but being deaf and blind, she sure didn't show it, and wound up throwing perpetual tantrums.

My mother may be wrong, but she wasn't--and isn't--that awful—still, she's just my enemy that I must vanquish. She couldn't even get us boys to bring in wood, and always blamed us.

I don't trust her, and don't love, because that doesn't breed trust—only pain and betrayal. As Head of Household, she was nothing I want to be like, and all the talk of her being “admirable” by shrinks who've refused to admit she's earned my trust is simply reprehensible.

Look, shrinks—here's what I expect of you—both now, and in the future:

Validate my authority to my mother, and my family—both now, and in the future; I expect you to assist my confrontations, if nothing else. As a fundamentalist Christian, Matthew 5:37-39, and example of Christ before Caiaphas obligates her to at least submit to hostile cross-examination. She's earned my distrust, Matthew 5:37-39 affords me a measure of control, worst-come-to-worst, and I intend see her earn the reverse.

And if she doesn't well...a public recognition should suffice very nice, methinks. I need to destroy my current familial relationship, so destroy it I will.

I intend to be not just a participant in the family, and they will respect me—for my prerogative, if nothing else; if they despise me, but at least respect me for that much, then it's a sufficient start. To be clear, the “respect” I'm talking about is definitely not earned, but rather the type that affords you the right to press charges in case your house is defaced, and is never forfeit by way of motive. It's my call my choice, and I don't trust, so I think I'll exercise it, and we'll just see if they copy.

DO I love my mother? Yes—but that means I don't respect her passivity, or her “leadership.” She needs to take responsibility for her actions, and I intend to do just that. She and the others can talk all they want about my failures, but if they don't want to take responsibility for their own, then there's nothing to do, is there?

Look; you do not have to agree with my attitude, but you will back up my claim to authority—and also be prepared to back it up. I may feel shame, I may feel guilt, but that's not gonna stop me—I have authority, and I'll hold others to it. Any shrink of mine will at a minimum, support my red-line claims—full stop. I've felt afraid to assert myself for years, and now I'm finally going to push back; I fear I can't trust my family, haven't since childhood, and for that I'm taking action.

How do you think I feel about about people disrespecting my intellect? How do you think I feel about people using my shortcomings to negate my valid points? That galls, and I think it enough to gall anyone.

I also intend to confront all those shrinks who reused to validate my authority, and support me. They were hurtful, cowardly, and wrong. Is this bitterness,? No, friend—this is simply cleaning house, and anger works in getting attention, at least. If I'm gonna achieve anything, it'll start with securing victories where I can, and this is one of them.

Let us be clear: I wanna see respect for my authority, not some touchy-feely manipulation on my part, and resolving with my family means worlds more than ever getting a job again. I refuse to undermine my values, of which honor, integrity, and the like rank very high.

Facilitate, and I will be ever-so-grateful. I expect you to convey to my mother the following. If objectionable to to you, it can be re-worked, so long as it retains the essential gist:

Sally, your son has the authority, per your creed, to hold you accountable, and intends to do so. He does not need a perfect attitude, a perfect motive, and expects you to respect it. If not, then he is fully prepared to cut you out of his life, if he must, to make his point. Principle matters more to him than you, and if you do not share that, then so be it.

He distrusts you, and you have only wanted to bribe the gap, as opposed to bridge it. For years. You say that trust is earned, and he agrees; you don't care about his integrity, forcing him to choose between it and you, and he's giving up.

You can't support him, given you despise him, and he doesn't have to take it. He'd be willing to give you another chance, but all the same, he's not holding his breath. If not, then at least we could raise the dispute to an intellectual dispute of Scripture and seek mediation, but you've seemed uninterested, and that is a shame.

Lack of caring for the truth is what really galls him, and he'd like to see you show some. Your perceived sloppiness angers, and rather than give him reason to trust, you shows reason to distrust still more.

As to being “vengeful” he's not going to stop, whether you think it is, or not; he'd be more merciful if prerogative and duty weren't on the line, but we are where we are. You don't respect him, dismiss his logic as black-and-white, and then wonder why he's disgusted.

He sees the term “black-and-white-thinking” as your way of rejecting his reasons out of hand, and if you want him to trust you again, show him he's wrong. Basically, he'd like the following to be defined, namely:
1. What he can ask of you.
2. What you can ask of him.

If not, well, he tried, and you were unwilling.

Forgive his suspicion, but given your track record, he's looking for signs of concrete reciprocation. Do that, and he just may give more flexibility, but we're just not there, are we?

Trust comes from showing adherence to common values; you haven't shown it, and as a consequence, he feels isolated and alienated within the family. So? Show him he's wrong—he wishes you would; when he calls you a hypocrite, he means It

Two ways to go in earning trust with him: Justify the ignoring of Scripture and all that it entails, or else follow it to the logical conclusion. It's very simple request, coming from someone who relishes confrontations. Yes, he likes battle, but wouldn't do so if he didn't believe in what he's doing, and you need to believe that.

Capice?

For my part, after you dispense this, I in term, affirm with this:

Mom, I've found you're a bad listener, and I wish you weren't. Some may say I can't be trusted, but I can't trust them, though I wish I could, that goes double for you.

What do I want? Keep your word, do your duty, and start over. Hook me to a lie detector, and I'll testify to my motives there. I have stuck to my duty, and it's because I believe in confronting you to the right thing. I don't doubt what I've done, and I'd do it over., not the least because none's convinced otherwise.

I shouldn't need witness to prove my credibility, but since it is needed, I have sent them. I care, mom, and I wouldn't do all this if I didn't.

Start over? Yeah—let's do it! Be consistent, follow the text to the logical outcome, or else justify your deviations, and face the consequences of doing so. I'd love to discuss these things, for all your claims of my motives not caring—I seek dialog.

Here is a message to a former mentor I intend to endorse:

Gary, Doras: You refused to validated my authority over my mother; wrong. Matthew 5:37-39 gives me all needed authority to confront my family, but you didn't help—my authority is self-evident.

Goal: Recognition of my prerogative by my family; they hafta submit of gut God—I don't care.
If not: Public recognition and validation by my family.
Principle takes precedent over relationships.
Timeline: Sixty days.
Notes: I don't care if it's called “revenge” or not—confrontation with family is my goal, and to that end, you'd best support, shrink; I care about principle, whether anyone else does, or not. If you don't like “how,” simply show a better way for me to get what I want! And if they don't engage, then we will publicly rebuke that decision. This is a war, for my future, my integrity, and all that refuse to assist are obstacles.

The best of my seeking “revenge” is determination, conviction, honor, and yes, enthusiasm. I can get all the revenge I seek, and that's to make a point—I don't need to be merciful, I don't need to be loving, but I need to be right—and so I am.

Acknowledging this will indeed be painful, but though you may be infuriated, my shrink 'n others concur. They think you're wrong, and I have the signatures to prove it.

Believing the Bible gives me control over you, whether you recognize it or not, and you haven't. Recognize that, and common ground is restored; without it, what have I common with you 'n Chris, anyway?
Noitartst
Consumer 3
Consumer 3
 
Posts: 61
Joined: Mon Nov 29, 2010 10:47 pm
Local time: Fri Oct 23, 2020 2:30 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: About My Condition, & What I Seek From Shrinks

Postby Noitartst » Fri Jul 01, 2016 4:14 am

Mother; I demand you acknowledge my authority simply because I am right out of sheeer regard for principle, power, and authority--nothing else.

Not because I'm "nice." Not because I'm "loving." Not forgiving. Not because I'm manipulative. It will simply be because I'm right, and [i]nothing
else.

You say you love me; well, do we truly have anything in common? Do you recognize when I'm right, or can we even agree on that?

It's open question, Mom; I doubt we can, at this point. [/i]

This I what I intend to tell her.
Noitartst
Consumer 3
Consumer 3
 
Posts: 61
Joined: Mon Nov 29, 2010 10:47 pm
Local time: Fri Oct 23, 2020 2:30 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: About My Condition, & What I Seek From Shrinks

Postby Noitartst » Sat Jul 02, 2016 2:43 am

To Shrink:

You will support me confronting my mother as a test of loyalty;if I "moved on," you'd approve--but would you do so if I chose to confront? Do so, and you earn my trust; if not, you're simply undermining my claim to authority, as well as my overcoming apathy, which will not be brooked.

I have every right to demand revenge, and you will at least acknowledge my prerogative to do so.
Noitartst
Consumer 3
Consumer 3
 
Posts: 61
Joined: Mon Nov 29, 2010 10:47 pm
Local time: Fri Oct 23, 2020 2:30 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


Return to Panic Disorder

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest