failedatlife's Journal (Replies Welcome)

I would think even a gay guy would be allowed to feel sweet towards a girl but it's a far cry from turning straight.

Also, as a bisexual man, I find myself liking some women as a straight guy, and liking some as a gay guy would. Um, meaning some women (I'm mostly talking about personalities, celebrities of some sort, etc) I like like a guy is attracted to a sexy woman, some women I find to be ab fab (thus I love them like gay guys my age venerate certain women), and some, well, I can't make up my mind which way I like them!

And while I am also the kind who would worry that I hurt someone's feelings and they might do something to themselves, realistically I know that if such a simple thing would drive someone to that, they already have issues that you didn't cause, and that you can't fix, and if someone's going to get on the internets, they best have a thick skin, or they're in trouble. I think you can rest easy about that fellow.

Thank you for the insight, it was really helpful. I still feel like I am falling in love and since we're making plans on meeting each other with the people from the chat I am afraid that I will fall in love even more. Considering how I am starting to feel grossed by men and attracted towards women recently, it buzzes me that this is a kind of awakening I am not ready to, but I will feel happy about it. It doesn't help that I think I start to develop homophobia. And I am also still afraid of the tongue thing, but I guess I will have it sorted out tomorrow morning at the doctor's. Since I tend to keep to myself the most insightful thoughts about me, I am afraid everything I've written will happen or, generally, turn opposite to how I want it to happen and that will happen despite that I write about it here

Based on one body of research, I tend to believe that male sexuality is pretty well fixed by, say, the age of fifteen. Wherever you are on the Kinsey scale, there you generally stay.

Which isn't to say you may be discovering a facet of your sexuality you simply hadn't considered, or that you might not be as Gay as you thought, or of course this could be like HOCD, except the other way around. It doesn't commonly come up in the OCD forum, but you wouldn't be the first person to speak of having Straight OCD in PF. From a Bisexual perspective, I understand the fears of HOCD and let's call it SOCD, but it's not something I've ever directly experienced in the same sort of quality a straight person would obsessively worry they're gay, or vice versa. In my case, my OCD merely meant a lot of back and forth and overthinking of my sexuality trying to force me into being one or the other, when if I step back and look at it dispassionately, I'm clearly too straight to be gay, but also too gay to be straight.

The best I can put it is, the heart wants what the heart wants. And when you want something really bad, well, you know you want that really bad.

Also, bisexuality is an umbrella covering a LOT of middle ground. In my case, I tend towards romantic feelings towards women, and sexual urges towards men. That's not a constant- but that's the usual way it works for me. Once, we had a member that I think posted to Sexuality, who absolutely insisted he was Gay, but he was only romantically attracted to women. But the idea of doing something sexual with a woman was completely out of the question. Now, he's got the right to say he is gay all he wants, but in my book, that's just a very unfortunate bisexual permutation. Point I'm making is there's a lot of ways a person can feel towards the same sex, and towards the opposite sex, and it doesn't always have to make a lot of sense, because in the end, we want what we want, and human sexual wants aren't exactly the most rational thing in the world. Look at this as an opportunity to find out more about yourself.

Thank you for the insight, it's a really interesting point of view. It doesn't help that I have started feeling that being straight will reduce my anxiety and make me happy, but I guess this is a topic we shouldn't enter that deep right now.
Apart from my usual concerns about swallowing my tongue, I am having a worrying feeling my dad will die tomorrow or in the coming holidays and I fear all that I feel will happen despite that I write about it here.

I have this horrible feeling that either I will swallow my tongue and die or that my father's condition sharply worsenes and he dies and that both things would happen despite that I write about it here.

My dad has severe back pain and I am afraid he will have to come to my apartment and see the mess I left and evict me and I am afraid that will happen despite that I write about it here.

I am about to go to sleep but I am afraid I will swallow my tongue either asleep or half asleep or awake or that my dad will have severe back pain in the night and we will have to go to my apartment and they will see the mess and evict me and that both things would happen despite that I write about it here.

My father feels better but I am afraid this is temporary and he will die from cancer and I am also afraid I will swallow my tongue asleep or half asleep or awake and that will happen despite that I write about it here.

Re: swallowing your tongue.

I sometimes have a bit of obstructive breathing from my adenoids or something- in my case, breathing OUT through my nose sometimes blocks and I exhale through my mouth instead. Since breathing in isn't particularly at issue, here, then it's reasonable to say this is relatively harmless.

However, if I let myself, I could- I have- be(en) very anxious over this, to the point of panic. Because I easily get very anxious over any thought of suffocating.

IF I let myself. After one time of falling into a panic, I have practiced not worrying about it. The way I do that is make the conscious decision to not think about it, when the subject comes up in my head, usually when I go to bed, as you might expect. If I was going to suffocate from this, I would have. Since I haven't, I'm not going to.

It's not too difficult for me, because I'm accustomed to having to purposefully disregard my intrusive harm thoughts. It's just a matter of practice, practice, practice, and standing your ground against the anxiety. If I can't control it, and the bad thing hasn't happened, then I have to practice not worrying about it, until I have something to worry about.

Writing this, has guaranteed that I'll probably want to think about it when I retire for the evening. But, I will set that aside and practice setting that thought aside. It's something that's hard to put into words, because if you tell yourself 'I'm not going to think about x', well, you're going to think about x. It's like some kind of dance- learning to avoid thinking about it, and thinking about not thinking about it. If that makes any sense. I think it starts with making the conscious decision to not worry about the feared thing. At first you can't help but worrying, but you keep standing up against the anxiety and determine that it won't determine your actions. For my intrusive harm thoughts, for example, I would give in to the anxiety by removing anything that could be used as a weapon, etc from near me. I quit doing that quite deliberately and decided that if I acted on a harm thought, then I did, and I'll worry about it then. Having written about it, I'll probably get that OCD harm itch tonight when I compose myself for sleep, and I will ignore it, and ten minutes later, the thought will have left me.

So, well, if I'm not suffocating, then I shouldn't be worrying about it. So I don't. But it all starts with making the decision to not worry, even when you are in fact worrying. You have to have a stubborn attitude when it comes to anxiety.

My father wants to go to a doctor on Tuesday and that is when I plan to go home too, they will want to get me there and see the apartment but as I forgot to clean it they will see the mess and evict me and that will happen despite that I write about it here.