failedatlife's Journal (Replies Welcome)

I am afraid that someday I will either choke on my saliva or swallow my tongue either in my sleep or white I am eating/drinking and I will die and that will happen despite that I write about it here

failedatlife wrote:or swallow my tongue

Have you TRIED swallowing your tongue? Unless there's some reason it's not attached like normal to the floor of the mouth, I don't see how that can happen. I can't get my tongue anywhere near my throat even by folding it over and pushing it to the back of my mouth with my finger. There are many things for people like us to obsess over, but I think you can cross that one off the list.

I am afraid that I am going to have a heart attack or discover I have diabetes and that both things will happen despite that I write about it here.

I am having some chest pain and I am afraid I will get a heart attack and that will happen despite that I write about it here.

I still fear I will have a heart attack and die and that death is imminent and these are the last moments of my life and that all that would happen despite that I write about it here.

Look. Here lately, sometimes I'll be laying in bed, and I'll suddenly get this weird feeling in my chest and think maybe my heart is about to stop beating. And it never does. And if it did, not much I could do about it anyway, so I have my little moment of fear and then I let it go, sweetie. Let it go.

Those kinds of things- breathing, heartbeat- used to be very common sources of fear for me especially as a child with OCD. Other than taking reasonable care of oneself, there's a lot we don't have control over, and obsessing over them is pointless. Have to learn to let those things go. I try to reserve my OCD for the things that involve actual actions on my part. And not let my mind dwell on things that I have absolutely no control over, like nuclear war, or my heart suddenly stopping. It is what it is.

I haven't had any time to clean the house so I told my father I am getting sick, (which is kinda true) so he doesn't come to fix the shower tomorrow but I am afraid that he will come or the shower will break completely and that both things will happen despite that I write about it here.