OhItsThatGuyAgain - Journal (replies welcome)

Complex Psychotic Disorder Not Otherwise Specified?

I will continue what I was writing about in my other threads:

living-with-mental-illness/topic220175.html

living-with-mental-illness/topic219036-10.html

The apparitions continue to interrupt just about anything I do using the naked little boy behaving sexually. They continue behaving this way even as I begin experiencing physically painful convulsions and am on the verge of tears. They tell me to shut up when I laugh while watching something cute and amusing such as adorable animals doing funny things, but expect me to smile and laugh before, during, and/or after having them show me the naked little boy *mod edit*. "So what?" they ask me as I write this--using the face of an old Armenian high school classmate from over ten to fifteen years ago whom I barely knew while attributing the induction of such hallucinations to some random cousin not present. They continue making stronger attempts at forcing my facial muscles into a smile--even now--and even after waking me up late at night or early in the morning even at 1 AM using the little boy *mod edit* in order to get me to smile. They continue to use the actress Kiernan Shipka to justify using the little boy in such a manner and respond with things like, "but of course!" as if the reasoning behind this should be so obvious. They reject that they'd initially (in late-2019) accused me of murdering at least one or two mental health care providers--both of whom currently appear to be alive and well. They have me reject my attorney's advice that I not ever go looking for the woman who'd placed a restraining order on me--not in five, nor in ten, nor in fifteen years. Not ever. They reject how they'd remained present even while being forcefully medicated with antipsychotics after having been involuntarily committed at a hospital last year--and remained even once I'd returned home. They disregard how there were pretty much zero hallucinations until after my current psychiatrist decided to stop prescribing to me the antipsychotic that my previous psychiatrist had been prescribing to me from late-2017 to early-2019. They regularly tell me to stop consuming any and all legally-prescribed psychotropic medication, over-the-counter drugs, and even vitamin supplements (such as melatonin) and both caffeinated and alcoholic beverages. They continue to pretend to be mental health care providers all the while telling me to "get help" and that "nobody gives a ###$" and to turn myself in to the same police station that I was taken to by the police after getting myself 5150'd last year after telling my 7cupsoftea therapist what these apparitions had been telling me to tell her which is what I've been writing about here.

They ridicule me even now.

The apparitions resume this morning as they have just about every morning this year and most of last year using primarily the naked little boy performing *mod edit* on myself and/or others whenever I get even remotely excited for anything that I happen to be interested in (e.g. science and/or historical fiction), or things that keep me at the edge of my seat (e.g. suspense thrillers, horror, etc.), or just about any woman that I find sexually attractive (whether I be watching television, the news, movies, YouTube videos of various new games, browsing for pornography on the internet, or even giant wall banner advertisements at malls--even total strangers--pedestrians on the sidewalk. They apparitions have responded to such situations in various ways--sometimes inducing a sort of physical revulsion close to having me vomit, various insults and accusations from disembodied voices in public settings, and/or simply having the little boy perform *mod edit* for hours on end even as I walk around among large crowds of people like along Hollywood boulevard in broad daylight. They ask, "so what?" as I recall all of this and the fact that today they'd confirmed (not even the first time) that they don't actually care whether I find a woman to have sex with (they regularly tell me to have sex despite the fact that they've already told me that they won't stop simply because I do what they tell me--which includes inappropriate groping random females out in public--something that I'd told my 7cupsoftea therapist and was among the things she'd told the police shortly before they came over to have me 5150'd last year); in fact, they've told me yet again that they neither expect nor do they want me to end up with any woman--or even man. They just want me to go outside in order to do whatever they tell me to do which has often included harassment, assault, molestation, abuse, battery, rape, and even murder--and that I'm free to do such things without consequence completely disregarding that I've already received a restraining order and been involuntarily committed to a hospital.

"Nobody gives a ###$," they tell me again.

I once again felt amused by startling my pet chihuahua who immediately turned around to eat from her plate seconds after she'd done so. The thought-forms, however, weren't quite as amused by this. In fact; they claim that I'm somehow making things worse for myself by being so easily amused. Because the thought-forms' presence alone, especially the near-24/7 present naked little boy behaving inappropriately sexual for nearly one whole year is sufficiently disturbing to ruin my mood after I'd managed to un-ruin it after they'd just ruined it and after telling me to not ruin the mood.

Earlier today; they'd similarly disregarded how easily amused I'd made myself by making goofy noises that would sound like a bird and would sometimes irritate my older brother.

Here comes an awkward part in which they like to take credit for such little things that I'd previously (before I began to hallucinate 24/7) use to entertain myself and often (almost daily) tell me, "you're welcome," simply because I managed to remind myself of goofy little things I used to do with my brother over ten years ago.

Mind you; I had no problem reminding myself of my goofy bird and cat noises until these hallucinations began.

The apparitions (or, rather, what they'd initially referred to themselves as--"thought-forms") continue to make just about anything that I feel is worth getting excited over next to impossible to enjoy (with a tremendous amount of excruciating emotional and/or physical pain seemingly at random without much explanation beyond, "we're pure evil" and so on). This includes simple things like researching history, watching the newest episode of the new Star Wars Disney+ plus series, or even staring at a still image of a woman that I find sexually attractive for anywhere from a few minutes up to an hour or more (since they don't even let me sleep, nor stretch, nor exercise, nor meditate, nor use my psychiatrist's recommended 3-2-4 breathing technique, nor watching animated video pornography on the internet, nor masturbate with their random interruptions); I've now ended up staring at static, photographic images of various actresses for several hours throughout the day--usually only stopping to consume my one meal of the day. Just now; they insisted on interrupting a sexual fantasy involving myself and the actress Alexa Mansour. Among their many excuses just a few minutes ago was that Alexa Mansour is a "little girl" and that using her in my fantasy was somehow sufficient justification for them to use the little boy as they'd been doing daily for roughly one whole year. Yesterday--it was Kiernan Shipka. Today? Alexa Mansour. Even as I was writing this; they started off with pornographic imagery involving the little boy only to switch this blond, scrawny, spiky-haired, naked, prepubescent boy with a brunette actress (an animation of her that they absolutely refused to use while I focused on her picture--only to have them throw in the little boy at random) in her mid- to late-20s or so. They continue to laugh and ask, "so what?" all the while switching back to the little boy--telling them how "awesome" it is that I write this while in increasingly worse physical pain, while asking, "so what?" and blaming a random cousin not present in my room... also telling me that I've "won" (not the first time) as they smile at me, and claiming that they'd done the "same thing" to Kiernan Shipka recently which is information that can be very easily contradicted with a simple Google News search of her name (which I've already done more than once this year only to have them deny it seconds later). They've now resumed using the little boy with the usual sex acts on the basis that I'd apparently used Kiernan Shipka in one of my fantasies in the past. They continue to encourage that I write about this online while confirming that not only does "nobody give a ###$" but that "they love it" and that I'm inconveniencing myself even further. They also now tell me to do both: smile and cry. They continue to respond to me with things like: "I lol'd" and "I smile'd" then promptly blaming random family members not present; as well as, several men (one of whom I don't recognize and another I've not seen since high school roughly fifteen years ago) and women (among one that closely resembles a woman I've also not seen in over a decade--there's one other who I've been told died years ago and the thought-forms once even had me looking for her grave sometime in the late-2019/early-2020 period--both women, actually; I'd been told by the thought-forms had died--and one of whom ended up placing a five-year-long restraining order a few months after asking about her and her husband's corpses at a cemetery). As I was writing that last line; they confirmed (yet again) that I'm only inconveniencing myself even further than ever before. They continue to ridicule me with their repetition.

"So what?" -- "that was [cousin]". The little boy reappeared *mod edit*.

They resumed with the naked little boy seconds after I'd finished writing and posting that last reply of mine and as I was getting up to use my bathroom. They then asked, "so what?" and used both Kiernan Shipka and Alexa Mansour to justify having them use the little boy. They then accused another cousin of mine of inducing these hallucinations and they now expect me to both laugh and literally die in pain from a heart attack. They sometimes feel the need to use imagery of cute small animals such as guinea pigs and birds to go with various imagery of women (both non-pornographic and pornographic) and that of the little boy--all within seconds of each other (when not simultaneous). It's obvious that they take what little in life still manages to make me smile (cute animals and women) and intentionally ruin this in order to have me commit suicide; in fact, they've admitted to me (more than once) that this is exactly what they want me to do (assuming I don't resort to murder).

"You betcha'" they tell me--confirming that they also want to have me involuntarily committed a second time because, according to them: "nobody believes you" -- "nobody buys that part" -- "

They then proceeded to tell me to go outside on the basis of "solo por Kiernan Shipka". When I questioned them about it; they resumed with the naked little boy.

They'd previously (last year) had me going outside in between the hours of midnight and 5 AM on the basis that I was meant to find an actress (Kiernan Shipka and/or Kathryn Newton). On one occasion; I was hoping to see the Sun rise at the beach but they had me get off the bus at 2 AM using the naked little boy in very much the same way they'd been doing that whole summer and this whole winter right now. I have never seen any of those celebrities. I live in Los Angeles and the only actor I can ever recall seeing in person would be David Spade.

They've had me walking around for over half a day from before sunrise to shortly before sunset only to often return home in very much the same pain I feel now (pain that occurs at random and seems to be triggered by these thought-forms regardless of my level of physical activity or lack thereof). They now continue to make increasingly stronger attempts at inducing even more excruciating emotional and physical pain--laughing and smiling as they accuse a cousin of doing this to me and accusing me of having done the "same thing" to Kiernan Shipka. "So what?" they ask after (once again) confirming that they expect me to suffer increasingly worse convulsions (which at times cause my bed and couch to shake audibly) until I die from heart or brain-related stress. They also regularly tell me to go to jail (just today, actually--rejecting that the "jail" they show me is actually a nearby police station that I was taken to last year during my 5150 for about an hour before being taken to a hospital which then had me transferred over to another hospital for 72 hours) or to the hospital (all the while showing me the naked little boy after telling me not to waste anybody's time and/or money and that I should be throwing angry tantrums by now).

They confirm yet again that they expect me to smile and even laugh but continue to tell me to shut up whenever I laugh at a funny video on TV or the internet. "Who gives a ###$?" they now ask.

Once again; they confirm with "of course!" shortly after using the *mod edit* little boy that I should return to the same cemetery that they sent me to roughly three years ago asking about a deceased couple supposedly buried there and go looking for their graves on foot myself without asking. "You ###$" and "you moron" they tell me as they clap and laugh.

They also continue to tell me this year to go knocking on my upstairs and/or next-door neighbors' apartment front doors because it is apparently them, too, inducing these hallucinations (to go with astral-projecting psychics, time travelers, ghosts, demons, extraterrestrials, deities, law enforcement and paramilitary personnel, federal government agents, psychologists, a neuropsychiatrist, a psychiatrist, a psychiatric nurse practitioner, psychotherapists, an
aeronautical engineer, and other beings/people that the thought-forms have claimed to be or represent).

In 2019; the thought-forms had me checking up on my upstairs neighbors on the basis that they were (according to the thought-forms) on the verge of committing suicide, murder, or even cannibalism. I actually went up there and knocked at least once in 2019 only minutes after the thought-forms told me that they represented those same neighbors telling me to go check up on them. Nobody opened the door; in fact, their blinds were open and could see part of the inside of their apartment which (for a time) lacked furniture and lighting. Many months later; I saw two young (possibly Armenian) men walk inside. The thought-forms had initially told me that my upstairs neighbors were a young, Hispanic heterosexual couple with a daughter (who had all apparently died before the end of 2019). I'd also been told that my next-door neighbors had, too, committed suicide (and/or moved to Alaska).

Thought-forms respond to all of this with "but of course" shortly after telling me to go check up on my neighbors again. The thought-forms have even told me to go kill my neighbors with a knife this year. The thought-forms have even told me (just yesterday) that they would stop using the little boy, only to have them resume shortly after as I began to fantasize of women such as Kiernan Shipka. "Oh yeah" and "so what?" from them as they smile.

"They just don't give a $#%^." And, "that was your cousin."

A few minutes later; they resumed using their toddler-sized and -shaped little girl thought-form (which appears to me less than half the height of the little boy--both of which often appear naked--the boy more than the girl). When I pointed out to the thought-forms that they'd told me recently that they would stop using kids (even promised me at least once); rather than responding like a normal person might; they simply resorted to having the naked little girl replaced by the naked little boy.

As for the little boy; I believe I recognize him from an old television commercial from the '80s, '90s, and/or early-'00s.

Last year; the thought-forms would often use him to replace various women with petite body shapes (one of whom is a thought-form which appears to me as at least three different women I've met--all blond, short, thin, and with small breasts--two of them being health care providers, two others that are amateur porn actresses, and one other non-pornographic actress... the latter three I've never met but that also resemble the aforementioned blond women... and a redheaded female tennis player from an Apple Watch commercial).

They continue to smile at me as I finish writing this.

For whatever reason; they're now having me focus on their "Jan" thought-form (who closely resembles a woman I have neither seen nor spoken with since 2008 and one other woman I've never seen--an actress named Rebecca Ferguson) for some reason.

Earlier on (sometime in early-October 2019; they'd begun using only one thought-form who's voice was primarily masculine and would vary in accent from some sort of east coast American accent from perhaps Brooklynite to Bostonian); they didn't really show me anybody's face until many days later when they began using the actor Aidan Gillen's face (not exactly his voice, however). They later introduced "Jan" but would gradually put her aside over the course of a few days as they began to introduce another named "Rita" (who'd eventually resemble an actress named Aisha Tyler and later another actress named Famke Janssen along with at least 48 to 147 others by December of 2019. The "Rita" thought-form pretty much disappeared by 2020 (as did most of the others), but Jan remained. The others would eventually tell me to avoid using her because she was too attractive to look at and apparently they didn't want me becoming sexually aroused; although, they'd sometimes (at least two or three times) show me pornographic imagery in which she is performing oral sex and even tell me to masturbate to her. Three years later; they're using split-second sexual arousal as a justification to use the little boy sexually--sometimes (very rarely) rapidly switching back and forth to women (whom, for whatever reason, find more disgusting to look at than the naked little boy doing his thing). They laugh as I write this and continue to blame me for the little boy's persistent, near-24/7 presence over these past three years--a presence that pretty much outdoes and overpowers the presence of all the other thought-forms (men, women, little girls, even a Roswell Grey, etc.) They continue to laugh at this and resumed using this naked, flat-chested, spiky-haired, prepubescent boy. They respond with, "and?" and, "y?" and claim to have done the same thing to someone named "Rita Fuller" (someone I've never met and have no idea who it is; in fact, I've looked up most of the names they've provided me with and most of them don't even seem to be real people living in the US)--they continue using such justifications and expecting me to do something about it. Early this morning; they mentioned having me use a knife and to go outside. "I care not," one of their "men" tells me shortly before having the naked little boy behaving erotically. "Who gives a ###$?" another asks as they smile--expecting me to laugh after confirming that they intend to "induce pedophilia" and then proceeding to make increasingly stronger attempts at doing just that over the course of the next three years from 2019 to 2023. They now claim to be doing the same thing to various cousins--two of whom happen to be mothers and one a father. "######6 awesome," and, "so what?" they say.

As I write this; they confirm yet again that I have no real option to escape from this level of psychosis beyond suicide and that I should've died in 2020, 2019, 2017, 2015, or sometimes even 1999 (they sometimes confirm that I am to die before the end of 2025; as well as, the year 2109). They also confirm how stupid I am for writing all of this out all the while confirming that this is exactly what they want me to do and nothing else (not even studying for school nor applying for jobs, etc.--they claim that they'd done the same thing to a health care provider whom I've not met with since 2014 but who's office remained in the 2021/2022 period as I was meeting other health care providers). They also continue to refer to themselves as "pure evil" and "stupid" but expect me to take them as seriously as I would attorneys, judges, police officers, doctors, therapists, priests, witch doctors, psychics, etc. all the while having me reject the advice of actual professionals I've met with.

Over six years since I first met one of my therapists (who would later go on to place a restraining order on me by late-2020), and the thought-forms are now still calling me a "retard" (and claim that I somehow programmed them; in particular, the little boy and girl thought-forms as well as the 2006 Armenian high school classmate to call me a retard) simply for recalling how they resumed only seconds after I'd finished posting my reply this morning to use the nude little boy behaving inappropriately erotic and expecting me to smile and laugh as they'd been doing daily for over 300 days--starting daily in early-2022 over four years since my therapist first threatened to place a restraining order on me in early-2018--nearly two years after having been successful in late-2020 and several months after I'd finished my court-mandated eight-hour-long community labor and year-long therapy with a different therapist (to which they now respond with "not really"--in regards to events they were present for--and would later claim to be doing the same thing to a random cousin whom I last spoke with a few months ago but was too busy with work to meet with me--and the thought-forms now add that this same cousin they're doing the same thing to is the one inducing these... whereas they'd previously claim that it was my upstairs neighbors who's voices I could recognize from when I first moved into this building in late-2015 and whom the thought-forms would later claim to be various family members (including various uncles and cousins--both male and female--women who apparently have the capacity to alter their voices to sound like New York men--and a cousin who would regularly ask me for money due to difficulties in paying his bills from his home several miles away from here). The thought-forms simultaneously ridicule, insult, mock, and/or threaten me all the while encouraging that I write here much of what I've already covered with them and therapists.

"We just don't give a ###$," they tell me--before and after resuming with the naked little boy. They often blame random women (e.g. real-life celebrities such as Kiernan Shipka) for the thought-forms tantrums--when not blaming a female health care provider, police officer, neighbor, family member, etc. They also show a capacity to alter my internal monologue as I think about what to write at random--from making it sound like the voice of an actor (e.g. Martin Sheen, Michael Douglas, Kirk Douglas), to that of an unknown woman, to that of a robotic-like synthesizer-type voice, and to that of the little boy (like they did just now just as they began showing me his naked body and face *mod edit*).