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xXDarkStarXx Journal (replies welcome)

Postby mark1958 » Wed Nov 01, 2017 12:21 pm

xxDarkStarxx Journal.
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From The Best Year To The Worst Year, Ever!

Postby xXDarkStarXx » Wed Nov 01, 2017 8:05 pm

First of all, let me say this -- I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and other things this year. So, I will be the first to say, I know that I'm a ###$ up.

I've been needing to vent about something that has been eating me alive. There's this guy on the news that I started having a crush on in September of this year and to make a long story short, he requested me on social media and requested to send me a message there and we flirted and stuff in messages. He didn't start out flirting with me but he DID tell me I was his favorite viewer and he also invited me down to the news station so he could give me a "tour." (I felt like he just liked me and wanted to meet me, which I found super flattering.) This was on a Wednesday. Thursday, I made a meme of him and sent it to him. The meme wasn't intended to hit on him but I guess he took it that way and proceeded to tell him that I'm 1000x hotter than him. I told him a bit about myself. I think he found me attractive not ONLY because I look it but we also share the same interests. He told me I was impossible to resist, alluring, drop dead gorgeous, witty.// smart, and etc. Of course, I had my head in the clouds because I liked this man way before he knew who I was.

:oops:

I am not the starstruck type or the type of person to "like someone from tv" just because they are in a position of authority or on tv. I've been on tv a few times, myself. There's just something about him that drew me in. He is in his 50s and I'm in my late 20s. He's married with kids, to top that off. (Uh-Oh.) I saw his wife and I'm guessing something is wrong there when it comes to the attraction part because she is a bit chubby too... and I notice she's never around on social media and hardly in any pictures.. and he seems to avoid broadcasting her.

I understood that this could've lead to nowhere but disaster but I've always been a screw up when it came to romance. (It's just the truth.) I get attached to certain guys and I feel like I love them and my emotions become too intense, too quick. My life starts to depend on them. In 2014, I was put in the hospital over another guy I felt intensely for.. and I didn't even know what this guy looked like when he talked. He, too was married but I didn't find out until later.. I got over it in 2015.. I'm stupid. As hell.. when it comes to matters of the heart.

Anyways, I have no problem that the current guy is married or that he has a lot of kids. I'm a pretty straight-forward, go with the flow type of person. So, I accepted this. I never told him that I "loved" him or any of that. In fact, I played it cool for the most part. He probably doesn't even think I'm TRULY interested in him because he kept calling me a "sweet talker." He is in his mid 50s with gray hair and he is a bit chubby. I could understand why he'd be skeptical that a beautiful young and attractive woman like me would be into him.. However, I don't see things that way. He is very special and unique. I also suffer from low self esteem and while I know I am beautiful in the eyes of the world, especially compared to an old guy like him... my esteem is not where it should be..

Anyhow.. He felt guilty about what he was doing after the process but during our conversation on the 5th, neither one of us had our feet planted. He even wrote me, "We will see where this takes us." -- Friday, he liked one of my photos, so I contacted him. We had a revealing conversation. I found it adorable that he felt the need to justify why he had so many children. ( As if I actually cared.) Then Sunday morning, 1AM he liked another one of my photos. That following Monday, he suddenly pulled back from me, which really hurt my feelings. I laid low for awhile, crying every night. Then, I couldn't take it anymore. My anxieties started getting the best of me and I finally asked him if I had done anything wrong. He then said he loved hearing from me.. but he felt the tone of our relationship was taking the wrong direction. So, afterward, I slipped up again AFTER him telling me we should no longer hit on each other.. (in a nice way).. and told him he looked super hot in a picture ... that his looked "could kill me" if they wanted to... he said, "Aww..Thanks... Exactly!"... afterwards, I told him that any chance I got to make him smile, I would. (I truly do adore this man... even if most people would think it's wrong. I can't help how I feel.) So, anyways, after I sent him that last Wednesday, I decided to take a break from him. I felt embarrassed after that and like I needed to fall back. Then, this Monday, he was back to liking my photos again and my photos are a bit racy. (It's not on purpose, it's just my style or whatever.) I KNOW he was turned on by them and he KNEW what "liking" my picture implemented because I told him days before he took a step back that him liking my pics made me smile. During his "step back" phase, he wasn't liking ANY of my photos but on the 30th, he was back to liking them again. I started to feel like he was missing me and maybe I confused him because after I told him I'd do anything to make him smile, I pulled back completely and went ghost for the week until Monday.

So, I sort of got happy, thinking we'd talk soon and I was actually planning on writing him. I didn't like ANY of his pictures back on Monday because I wanted to give him the opportunity to like me first. I feel like he uses a strategy where he likes my pictures in order to get me to message him. I got tired of being the one to write first, though so I ignored it.

However, on Halloween, (The 31st... the day after he was just getting back into the swing of things with me...)... he took a picture with another lady who met him during going trick or treating with her son... and it destroyed my spirits and my heart, hopes and dreams. I am so incredibly intimidated and on top of that, I am reminded of how much of a f*ck up I am. In the end, I don't blame him for being human. Sure, the man is married with kids but I don't know the state of his marriage, why him and his wife are still together or what for. (It could SIMPLY be for the kids. You'd think she'd be all over social media clocking what he's doing and stuff.. but she doesn't even attempt to make her presence known.) I don't make others' business mine nor do I place my moral codes on others because I think morals are illogical to a degree. I don't even date, myself because I have a different perspective on morals when it comes to love and relationships. If I find a guy I like,I just want to hang out with him and this is the first time I caught a guy I SUPER DEE DUPER like.

Imagine seeing a beautiful flower in a field and being scolded for admiring it and wanting to pick it because someone else picked it first. That's exactly how I view humanity when it comes to marriage and relationships. I even scoff at my own jealous feelings. If your best friend is allowed to have other best friends, then why do the dynamics suddenly change when it comes to romance? That's why I never cared to put my nose in his business. I know I can be a jealous woman but what's the point of putting my nose in his business when I have no room to talk or if it would cause me grief? I can control that. I know he loves to look at beautiful women. I love to look at hot men. It's no big deal. I'd be a hypocrite in that sense. The thing that really breaks my heart is that I'm afraid that woman is going to end what me and him already had going. (I REALLY don't understand WHY it would)... Then again, and ON TOP OF THAT, one of the other viewers asked if that was his DAUGHER on the photo.. which probably made him feel even MORE insecure.. (Which is a bigger issue for me.)... On the one hand, I'm thinking if her looks alone are enough to ruin his relations with me, then I should let him go. (The thought of letting him go is one I'm afraid I can't live with.) On the other hand, I'm hoping that it doesn't change our relationship. I don't mind him flirting with other women and stuff, just as long as he stays the same with me.

Me and him have so much in common that I'm starting to think the universe is trying to push me over the edge. This guy and I, although he's in his 50s are so much alike. And see, although he flirts with other women, I sext all of the time with other men and find other men super hot. However, the difference between men and women, I think.. is that us women get our feelings invested. I HATE that. If I could have a choice not to have a heart in a romantic way, I would. I'm a very logical and wise person beyond my years OUTSIDE of the romantic department. But for some reason, when it comes to the romantic department all of my logic flies out of the window and so does any morality.

Anyway, today is the day afterward and what's hurting me more than him meeting that other woman is that the one person I had on my side, is completely negative about the entire thing, now.. and we have to share a room. She even noticed the strong connection between us and she and others were rooting for us. (They didn't know he was married....) While, I'm trying to move on and hope that me and his relationship doesn't change, I can't truly move on because now when I try to "talk" to her about him, it's this strong vibe of negativity and disdain. I think she hates him for what he did and the situation...but the more I'm around her, the more I have to live that night over and over and over again.. by default.. and she can't help it but this sucks! I'm trying to look towards a more positive future and I don't want to dwell in all of the pain and anxiety from that night.. but being around her.. without a choice, is making it hard for me to truly move forward. I don't hate him for being a human. He's a guy. I get it. I'm just terrified he will fade away from me and I put SO MUCH stock into him... I believe he is my soulmate and I don't mean the ideal guy... but rather, someone I had a past life with or something. Ill-fated, star-crossed lovers type of thing. A tragic romance. (Wich is exactly what I'm trying to avoid.)

I just need support from somewhere. I don't want to be judged, I just want to vent and I can't vent to anyone. I have to keep this all to myself. I can't vent to a therapist because they would report it to the authorities and it would get on the news and ruin his reputation and life. I'd HATE that. Yet.. I am SO alone that it's becoming a struggle to thrive in everyday life. I took screenshots of our conversations and of him liking myself and sent it to my email JUST SO I CAN RELIVE THOSE MOMENTS OVER AND OVER AGAIN..Now, I don't even care to look at them because my perspective has shifted a bit since the 31st. (That TRULY IS the devil's night!) I've been hyperventilating each time I begin to cry over him.. I am starting to have to go in the closet to hide my tears from my family and remove myself from my sister as a means to not have to constantly remember the 31st, anymore. All of this is going on within me and he has no clue but why would I tell him this? THIS would be SURE to scare him away.. although in a perfect world, he'd LOVE every bit of it and admit to the same feelings.......... It's not his fault I'm Borderline Personality and Addicted to him. He doesn't even know. He simply flirted with me and I reciprocated. I may sound naive but the guy just went for it. There are no rules to being human except the one society has created for us. He was being raw. I don't view myself as the victim here and I damn sure don't ever want to get him in trouble. If that ever happened, I'd be done. I don't care about my reputation but I care about his. I'm always the bad guy in the eyes of society. I'm used to it. He is known as the good guy though... as he should be..

So, I've been just needing to vent about this, somewhere to somebody so I did it here. I don't think I revealed too much. Aside from the being married and flirting with women, he is a great guy and is loved by many people. He has a wonderful reputation and he's very great at what he does. He's the best. As a matter of fact, I just nominated him as the best in his field of work. (Without his knowledge of course...maybe I WILL send it to him, soon.. not today... but soon.... ) I truly do care about him. He's not just some guy I think is hot. I care about his reputation, his heart, his mind, and everything. I would never do anything to jeopardize what he's got going for him, no matter how hurt I am. It's just EXTREMELY painful having to deal with this ALL ALONE and having to keep it to myself. What's even WORSE, is my MOM has been familiar with his news personality for a little over 20 years. I could NEVER tell her! EVERYBODY in this area knows WHO he is. If this got on the news, I wouldn't be able to go anywhere in public without being taunted.

I will vent here as long as I feel the need to or want rather. And if you are reading this, TRUST ME.. I KNOW. I know in your eyes I shouldn't have gotten involved with a married man but we didn't do anything. (Even though I do admit I was hoping simply because I just adore him as a human being.) -- I'm not here to say poor me but simply that the pain I'm experiencing is just becoming excruciating. I'm terrified that if I wrote him, again.. as I was planning before the 31st happened, that I'd be able to feel his interest dwindling because of that other woman. And no offense.. beauty IS in the eye of the beholder and ONLY skin deep.. but I'm much more attractive than she is... but even MORE THAN THAT... me and him have way more in common and I have MUCH more depth. I took a peek at her page and she seems to be the harlot type who is superficial and has nothing going on in her mind, heart and soul. I don't separate her from those porno pages he follows to put it simply. So, if he starts losing interest in developing our relationship over that middle aged pornstar wannabe, I'd be shocked. I'm sorry. However, I am still a virgin woman who has kept myself out of REAL trouble for the most part. I would be willing to lose my virginity to him. (He doesn't know I'm a virgin, either.) I'd love to give my virginity to an older male who is insecure about himself.

I do sext because I have hormones but other than that, I'm not a harlot. (No offense.) I take risque photos but they're more artsy than slutty. That lady I saw, looks like a middle aged harlot.. So, I'm not intimidated by her looks. I'm just threatened that he might pursue something with HER and forget all about me. The ONE thing she has OVER me is that she actually MET him and I NEVER made it down to the news station to meet him in person because BEFORE I COULD, he decided to "take a step back!" ..... I don't mind if he thinks she's hot but I don't want him to forget about me. That is my greatest fear right now. I'd be hypocritical to get upset that he flirts with other women..

Anyways, if he ever found this post, I know I'd be done for. I think that's all I have to say for now. I'll be back later for an update.
Last edited by quietgirl2538 on Thu Nov 02, 2017 3:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: put curse word through swear filter
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Agoraphobia
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Oh no!

Postby xXDarkStarXx » Wed Nov 01, 2017 10:54 pm

I screwed up and talked myself into texting him ... I let him know in a very tasteful manner that I saw the photo he took with that woman... I did it oh so, gracefully..so that you could not detect the pain and jealousy from within... I sent him a screenshot of the kind note I left about him...and attached to it.. I wrote, "Anyone who gets to meet you is the LUCKIEST person alive! :) "

Now, normally, he'd reply to such a message but he hasn't replied to me yet, which is very troubling. I'm afraid that what I thought could possibly happen, is happening. I really want to think he's not ignoring my messages but the fact of the matter is... He usually reads my messages right away and responds right away.... But he's not answering.. I feel my heart sinking into my chest... I truly hope it's not time to throw in the towel... I'm not ready for it... I'm very anxious...in a bad way... :(

I need help...
Dxs: BPD
Agoraphobia
Schizaffective,Bipolar Type
Bipolar Disorder, NOS
--- No Meds --
xXDarkStarXx
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Re: xXDarkStarXx Journal (replies welcome)

Postby xXDarkStarXx » Thu Nov 02, 2017 2:53 am

Okay... So, after he got done doing his news segment.. he finally replied to me and we had the talk I've been wanting to have.. The one about how we couldn't take things any further because it would jeopardize his family. Basically, I told him it was hard not to think of him.. He then called me a "vixen".. LOL .... so I took that as my opportunity to try to steam up the conversation, even further.. but then I told him, I'd behave and stop.. and he said it's for the better.. So, I said, "I guess..".. and he detected my frustration...and put, "I get it.."... because he knew what I meant..It's for the BEST because he has a family, (mainly small kids).. but then again it's NOT for the best because I just want to indulge in how I feel about him...

To make a long story short, tonight.. He told me that if the circumstances were different, (He said in another time and place).. we would have been able to get together.... and he was very supportive of me when I was expressing how I foolishly allowed my desires to get the better of me.. He said, it's not foolish and then he said the time and place thing..(which made me feel as though he felt the same as I did..)

I'm reminded of the movie The Body Guard with Whitney Houston and Kevin Costner.. Starcrossed lovers type of deal going on... I feel like this man was a soulmate but I was born too late and showed up too late.. Although I'm sad, I'm glad that my fears about that other woman were simply those.. and that tonight, he had chatted with me the same he had always.. I'm gonna miss talking to him.. I wished him the best and he wished me the best..

Although we are still friends on social media.. and he will see my posts.. I will not message him anymore. I have to respect him after this.. no more slip ups from me..

Although I REALLY did want to see where this took us, I really didn't want anything to happen to him and his family because he takes great pride in being a dad. He's a wonderful man. He truly is... I will NEVER forget him.. It's hard NOT to...


:cry:

I guess I'll just vent here until I've moved on a decent among... sighs..
Dxs: BPD
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Bipolar Disorder, NOS
--- No Meds --
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..And the Shenanigans Continue..

Postby xXDarkStarXx » Wed Nov 15, 2017 5:44 pm

Okay, so AFTER November 1, (after our little talk) I made sure that was the FINAL time I'd come into his message to hit on him.. So, I haven't been in his message but prior to today, we've been liking each others stuff back on forth, on social media. Then, at 2AM this morning, I saw a message in my inbox and it was him asking me where do I get all my clothes from because I guess he notices I have a certain style. However, I don't get the vibe he really wanted to know the answer to that question, as HOW would that benefit him as a straight married father of a lot of kids? I'm not THAT dumb.

I felt he messaged me that for 1 out of 3 reasons:

1.) It was 2AM, he was probably trying to flirt with me so that the conversation would get raunchy.
2.) He felt insecure that he was the last to text me so he wanted to try to get me to reply so that he could leave ME on read.
3.) Since I haven't been in his messages since the 1st of November, he's trying to see if I still think he is the hottest guy alive.

I could be wrong but I feel as though he uses antics on his public posts at times or by "liking" some of my posts to try to "bait" responses from me.

Of course I responded to him, only at 7AM and asked, "How do I answer this question?" -- only to be left on read just like I had a suspicion he would do. Honestly, I feel as though the REASON as to why he sent me that message was ALL OF THE ABOVE.

I think he is a very insecure man and somewhere in his head, he never believe I was ever truly into him. Whatever the case, this hurt my feelings because he never writes me first except for this morning..and I feel as though he was missing me or now that he finally saw that I could successfully go without texting him, he couldn't handle it and needed to see me back in his messages again.

I noticed that he works at a very subconscious level. He keeps it short and simple in texts but his actions reveal that there are loads of things going on.

I also feel as though me and him have a strong psychic connection, which isn't helping matters. Then again, am I even trying to "help" matters if I am constantly on his page, wondering what he thinks of me, and not removing him from my friend's list? This is a disaster. But I'm too weak right now to let him get away.

I am thinking I'm gonna send him another message but I'm gonna wait until late at night when it's 2AM -- the same hour he wrote me..just so I can test one of those 3 theories out. In my last post, when he said "a different time and place" -- I'm starting to wonder if he meant while not at work..meaning when he got home, (because he gets home late), then he could engage in that type of conversation with me.

In all honesty, I fantasize about being with him, hanging out..and of course making out. I know I come up ethically short but the heart wants what it wants and so does the cuddy cat. (LOL)

TMI...but true... At the moment, I am hurt by his behavior because he ignored me. I don't like feeling hurt but I don't know what to do if I were to say goodbye to him. I feel him and I can't stop. He's like my heroine but like I said.. I did manage to stop showing up in his messages but then he messages me about where I get all my clothes from just to ignore the reply. *eye roll* ..

This guy is a trip but I keep hitting that bong over and over again. I'm so pathetic.

It's even more odd to view his public personality at times like these because I'm sitting here confused and I know another side to him while his viewers have limited versions. You can tell by the things they say. My mom was watching him on the news last night and called out his nickname in a funny manner and I just played it off... So awkward!

But I'm still holding to what I said. Though he is beginning to frustrate me, I'm not going to "out" him. I can't do that. I really care about him but dammit.

..I'm thinking about giving him an actual answer on the one hand..but on the other, I'm thinking about clarifying why I found the question so hard to answer. (What kind of man, asks that? I'll never believe he TRULY wanted to know!)

Anyways, I needed to vent. Replies are welcome no matter how straightforward. I know what I'm doing is hurting me and that I'm being a total weak and dumb broad so.. There is no such thing as harsh words, here.
Dxs: BPD
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Bipolar Disorder, NOS
--- No Meds --
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Re: xXDarkStarXx Journal (replies welcome)

Postby xXDarkStarXx » Wed Nov 15, 2017 6:01 pm

Something that I forgot to add is that my EX asked me to MARRY him. Mind you, I was in a LDR with this guy for 2 years. I revealed to him that I had "cheated" on him with other men and told him that I currently had a crush on a married man. I was brutally honest to my ex and after ALL of that honesty, he asks me to MARRY him? What a mindfxck!

That's definitely not happening because I'm no longer interested and I'm the assertive type of woman where if I am interested you WILL KNOW it. The same goes for if I am not. So my ex keeps sending me tens of thousands of the same messages over and over again. I lied and said my crush's name was "Andrew" and sent him a photo of someone from an MTV show so that he would never know my REAL crush and he believed it.

Me and my ex, BOTH are a mess and I think he has BPD too. The guy is obsessed with me! I can't believe he's sticking around after I blatantly told him I cheated and loved other men? ... I mean, the situation I'm in doesn't make me look the brightest but my "Andrew" didn't tell me he wasn't "interested." Sheesh.

I make sure to make the lines VERY clear but my ex is delusional and needy. I am completely turned off by him ..and there is NO CHANCE IN HEAVEN, HELL, THIS LIFETIME OR LIFETIMES TO COME ...that I'd ever go back to that. He is very unattractive to me at this point. The more I got to know him, the WORST he got.

No bueno. Anyways, I'll end this here until later. By the way, I think I'll send my message to "Andrew" at 2AM. I'm just hoping he is alone and actually responds.
Dxs: BPD
Agoraphobia
Schizaffective,Bipolar Type
Bipolar Disorder, NOS
--- No Meds --
xXDarkStarXx
Consumer 2
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Posts: 55
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Local time: Thu Sep 19, 2019 7:33 am
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Re: xXDarkStarXx Journal (replies welcome)

Postby xXDarkStarXx » Thu Nov 16, 2017 7:11 am

Okay, so he replied to me..and we basically have been messaging all day...

Before I could execute my ridiculous 2AM plan, he messaged me around 12:43am... We just got done messaging, around 1:30AM.. and his goal was to pretty much let me know that he thinks I look hot in all of my clothes. So, the conversation started heating up and he bolted.. Of course I was a little more direct.

I'm so very pathetic because I can't keep myself from drooling and impulsively letting him know that I'm drooling over him. I slipped up and called him sexy and he said there was nothing wrong with me saying that.. Then he said goodnight for the 5th time, in his typical fashion.

Tonight was weird and I'm sort of mad at myself for not being able to control the way I come across.. I detected a tad bit of frustration on his end, as well. Perhaps not being able to control myself this time will push me to control myself next time. I'm not sure. For some reason, I feel horrible. I should feel happy about this night but I don't. I'm slightly annoyed and hurt....

I have to find a way to pull away from him. I have to...even though I feel it will literally kill me. I can't keep putting myself through this. I should close down all social media and go into isolation for awhile.. I can't deal with this back and forth because I'm wanting him so bad , in every way one could ever want someone else..and it's causing me to suffer greater than what he will EVER know. He had a chance tonight to say all that was on his mind and he chose not to engage so the "time and place" statement wasn't just about work. It most likely meant what I took it to me, the first time...

I will do us both a favor and I will disappear forever. I just can't.. I've had my last straw, here. I have to be done. I have to. Even if I start out by just putting him on "Restricted" so he can no longer snoop through my profile, anymore... Maybe I will start out there.. Either way it goes, I have to inch away from him to let him know that I am no longer having fun doing this "harmless" (to him, obviously), social media thing because I AM being harmed from this, emotionally. I am constantly feeling depraved of something that continues to build on me. I've never played a BETTER role of a fool than I have tonight and so, I'll do my best to convey that this little thing that's happening isn't okay.

I honestly feel my heart sinking into my chest and I feel really hurt and offended. I have no immediate reason why although I DO have an idea about what it COULD be...

So, I'm gonna leave this here...and I'm never speaking to this man, again. I won't even like his stuff on social media. I know I should probably stop cold turkey but cold turkey doesn't help me.... So, I'll just have to tale baby steps.

This sucks so bad. My heart is in pain...I've never had to deal with something harder in my life...anyways, I'm gonna go..until next rant..

Adios..
Dxs: BPD
Agoraphobia
Schizaffective,Bipolar Type
Bipolar Disorder, NOS
--- No Meds --
xXDarkStarXx
Consumer 2
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Posts: 55
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Re: xXDarkStarXx Journal (replies welcome)

Postby xXDarkStarXx » Thu Nov 16, 2017 8:24 am

I can put into words what I'm upset about.. On November 1st, he made it clear to me that he would never do anything that would break his family up.. So, I took that to mean I should stop showing up in his messages and hitting on him... I managed to muster up enough self control to do that in order to show him respect. So, when he comes to my inbox to flirt with me, I am irritated now and confused. It's like dangling a piece of candy in front of a child and then, when they go to reach for it, you pull it away.

I put him on restricted. If he figures it out and wants to be offended, tough. I don't care. I've had it..and to be honest, I really wanna say a few rude things but I will keep that to myself. The bottom line is, I knew what I was getting myself into and now I must suffer the consequences.. It sucks but oh well. I am in a million pieces.

It's easy for him to do things like this because he has someone at home. He is married. To him, it is harmless flirting but I was actually interested in him to a point where I was willing to do anything to have at least just one moment with him. I can't blame a guy for his hormones but he has been very careless and irresponsible with my feelings and has lacked consideration of the fact that I'm young and very much so infatuated with him.

He doesn't seem to care about my well being and how this affects me and that truly does hurt. I am just a source of supply. I only put up with it because I was hoping that for at least a day, I could fully indulge all of my wildest thoughts about him..just to get it out of my system. But instead, he had a chance to do that and he chose to dangle the piece of candy..KNOWING how tortured I was from my desires for him.

I am trying so hard not to be angry at this man but it's getting very hard. I am fuming tonight. It's just such a weird night because normally, I would be so happy...but I guess I feel rejected and have reached my wits end.

I'm not trying to be stuck up or anything but for HIM in particular to do this to a young and sexy thing like me feels like a slap in the face and a joke. Like I said, I could say some rude things ..but it would be unnecessary because I know I'm just hurt because I want him. It would be lame of me to go off on him because I spent so much time purposefully trying to build his self esteem. I maybe fabricated a few things I said about his looks because my goal was to make him feel good about himself.

Like when he complimented the way I wore my clothes, I basically insinuated that I think the same about him..when really, some of his clothes make him look chubbier than what he already is and looks.

I didn't want to have to restrict him or even get angry. I flight so hard not to be angry at him and I ignored his lack of consideration of my well being because I was so into him. I only wanted to remember the good things because I dislike contaminated judgment. Whats got me fed up is the dangling he does with me just to remind me, "Well..guess what? You can't have it!"

He really did NOT have to initiate contact with me about how hot I look in my photos just to yank away once I started getting him hot and bothered. He had kept it to himself when we first met. Now, he's acting goofy. So, that's fine. Actually it is not but I'm sick.

Anyways I'll end this and update later. I'm very scared of the future. I may have to check into a hospital soon... I hope my feelings don't reach that point but this road is all too familiar.


:cry:
Dxs: BPD
Agoraphobia
Schizaffective,Bipolar Type
Bipolar Disorder, NOS
--- No Meds --
xXDarkStarXx
Consumer 2
Consumer 2
 
Posts: 55
Joined: Sun Jan 31, 2016 10:20 am
Local time: Thu Sep 19, 2019 7:33 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: xXDarkStarXx Journal (replies welcome)

Postby xXDarkStarXx » Fri Nov 17, 2017 5:41 pm

What I'm scared of now is that I'm going to get so angry at him that I am no longer going to care about him getting fired. As the days go on, I feel myself getting angrier at him because now that my rosetinted glasses have been snatched off, I am really starting to take in the fact that he never cared about my feelings. Yet, I care so much about him, his life and protecting his reputation. The key here is I wasn't the one who added HIM as a friend. HE added ME as a friend and started to flirt on me. And even though some people might think I'm taking things too seriously here, I am a human with feelings, alright..very distorted feelings but still. (That makes things much worse, I'm sure.)

I'm a woman in my late 20's and usually if I flirt with a guy in my area, we eventually develop into other things. I didn't really expect him to leave his wife or family but I didn't expect him to bolt each time things started heating up. That's lame. I come from the generation of sexting and he knows this because he has kids in their 20's. He's always talking about how he tries to teach this and that to his kids.. meanwhile he's acting a fool in private.

That's the thing I can't stand about public figures. He's not the first one I've dealt with by the way... But the viewers and the fans protect these people, fiercely and defend them because they believe the facade. I believed the facade.. That's why I was so cautious at first when I would write messages of support on his public page.

..All except for one time. One time I said he was hot on his comments and all of these viewers responded to me saying, "He's a married man!" -- But lately some fat chick's been commenting under ALL of his photos, flirty and inappropriate comments and they don't say ANYTHING to her.

Maybe they just got at me because I'm actually attractive and young.

This entire situation is annoying. He's annoying. I should just delete him but I'm too weak to do that right now because I still am interested in him. I would say something right now that I was skeptical about but I wrote a poem about it that I will post, now.

It is called "Venus In Aries" --

I'm not dumb, I read between lines.
It's necessary to play a fool, at times.

You resist me, so I resist my desire.
Then you complain that I've got no fire..
Try to insinuate that my love's expired..
..basically saying that I should retire.

There is a burning passion inside me..
a fit...a rage..
A fierce dominatrix who's been locked in a cage..
One who will probably be..until the end of age..
But look at the statue that you've made.

You created a stone..
Now, I won't budge.
Once I do, I get the nudge..
Tap me on the hand and say,
"Enough is enough" ..
Then when I draw back..
I'm a stick in the mud.

There is a wild animal inside
of my soul..
..An animal you could never imagine,
that would swallow you, whole..

But when you resist me, I resist my desire.
Then, you complain that I've got no fire.

What do I do with a man like you?
Blind to his own madness, clearly confused.
How am I supposed to proceed,
in the coming days?
How do I reflect to him, his own ways?

You resist me, so I control my desire..
But then you complain that I've lost my fire.
I am a wild animal, locked in a cage..
..full of intense passions..
..and sexual rage.

A rage that you will never know..
The sheets are so cold, that they're full of snow..

When you resist me, I resist my desire..
Then you wanna act as though I've got no fire..

Maybe it's you who has lost it all..
First you rise, then you fall..
Light a match and then fall back..
..make amends..and then attack..

When you resist me.. I resist my desire..
Then you claim that you can't feel my fire..
So, then tell me what's a lady like me to do?
What does a woman do..with a boy like you?

Never wave red at a bull too long,.
The ruthlessness could be more strong..
If you resist me, I may not resist my desire..
And you will be dominated by my fire.
..swallowed whole by my vicious love,
Taken over by my body..and my sensual touch..
Taken to a place of ecstacy that you've never imagined..
..doing all the things you never thought could happen..
Using my warm lips to please your soul..
Using my hands to touch you where you thought they would never go..

Next time you poke the bunny, I won't control my desire..and then you will feel it..

You will feel my fire."

This poem was inspired by my paranoia AND the fact that he pokes at me but when I turn vulgar, he wants to leave.. So frustrating..

I can't even look at the guy without wanting to slap him. Of course I would never go to a blog and post "Hey, me and this guy had steamy conversations! Look!"

But if I manage to get a therapy session or am checked into a hospital, I have no idea what may slip out during an emotional break down & that's scary. Like I said.. This WOULD be all over the news because of WHO this person is and that's horrible.

I don't know why I'm still thinking about protecting him. Why do I still care? How come the thought of him losing his job, his family & reputation bother me so much?

Why should I care? He doesn't care about me, AT ALL. I am such a FOOL. Okay, so here's what's going to happen..

I'm gonna take him off of restricted but I'm never contacting him, again. I'm not liking his posts and I will continue what I was doing before he so RUDELY interrupted my actions of respect for him and his family. I'm not all on his public page, flirting. Ever since he's been to my inbox, I've been VERY civil on his public page out of respect. So, if he ever comes into my inbox again with bs, I'm ignoring him. (Or hoping I can, sincerely without having an agenda..)

I can't keep doing this. I could almost kick myself for giving in. To be honest, I want to be checked into a hospital or I at LEAST need my therapy session. It's been MONTHS and I still have not gotten my therapy session. Anyways, I'll end this and do what I said I'd do.

1. Take him off restricted to appear indifferent.
2. Stay away from his page
3. Never speak to him again ..(or at least, first.)
4. Focus on myself and my spirituality
5. Try to hold on for as long as I can

I'll update how it's going depending on my mood. If I find myself sinking into a Depression or if something else happens, I will update.



This is killing me but I gotta at least try.
Dxs: BPD
Agoraphobia
Schizaffective,Bipolar Type
Bipolar Disorder, NOS
--- No Meds --
xXDarkStarXx
Consumer 2
Consumer 2
 
Posts: 55
Joined: Sun Jan 31, 2016 10:20 am
Local time: Thu Sep 19, 2019 7:33 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: xXDarkStarXx Journal (replies welcome)

Postby xXDarkStarXx » Fri Nov 17, 2017 5:42 pm

The last post was written an hour ago and it was written out of pure emotion but this one is a little more heady.

The world would laugh at me for this because of the contrast of age and appearance.

He's not an ugly man at all. He is pretty handsome for a guy his age and this isn't the first time I've liked a chubby guy. In fact, I like him more now in his chubby days than back in the day when he was thinner.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, perhaps my illness makes me not so shallow. Because I'm addicted to this guy (like how Borderline's get), perhaps it's not about him at all but about the dynamics and triggers. I've been like this over about 7 men , one after the other. The same intense feelings and weird connections I feel to them. A portion of me lacks the ability to see reality in it's rawest form and although I have knowledge of this, I still can't manage to view life through a realistic lens.

Outside of these 7 men I've gotten attached to, I feel incapable of loving regular guys on the street or even am disinterested in getting into a relationship , at all. I feel like I am incapable of truly loving other men outside of the few I've obsessed over. If it weren't for my disease, my life would be a lot different and I wouldn't be wasting my time liking old married men.

The lady who diagnosed me with Borderline Personality was amazed at how much I understood my own psychological processes and she said it was very rare. I am an ESTP personality type so I am very analytical and logical to a fault about everything outside of my romantic obsessions. This BPD and Agoraphobia makes me wish I was never born. There is no way to change the way I view these men. I need intensive therapy but I cannot get it.

The only thing that helps me a tad is to remind myself that I don't love this man but am obsessed over him due to my disorder...and though I am attracted to him, I'm also just as much attracted to Brad Pitt... I told news guy that he's the hottest man alive, to me but Brad Pitt might be. Of course, I didn't mean physically but when I am crushing on a guy, he becomes my only focus and therefore, appears as the HGA. Really, that's far from the truth if I'm being honest. I can think of a million guys, hotter but that's not important.

Yet, what is so interesting, is that I'm not obsessed with Brad Pitt. In fact, if I had to choose between the news guy and Brad Pitt, I'd choose the news guy. So, there's something about HIM and all the guys I've become attached to that's toying with my psychological processes.

My parents did split up when I was only 11 and I grew up feeling abandoned by my parents as a middle child. I still feel as though my parents don't love me or that they only love me to their highest capacity. My parents also have mental disorders as does my entire family.

Although I AM indeed a screw up, I'm actually handling this situation well. I'm not seeking attention from the media. I care enough about him and his family that I can't even entertain doing such a horrible thing and despite crying every night and feeling as though I wish I were never born, I was able to stop contacting him to respect his boundaries. Plus, I'm a virgin. How far would this have really gone?

So, he has a really false vision of me and I guess I had one of him, too. I am sweet at my core but I am damaged. I am not out to hurt anybody, not even him. I am angry at him but like I said: He doesn't need to lose his job or family. That's horrible. If that ever happened, I'd cry and be done. I have been using and being a total witch to my ex boyfriend though because I needed a distraction from news guy. But I need to stop being a rude monster. I miss the creative woman I used to be and I hate this new apartment. I miss living with my father in a way because it didn't remind me of this new place. I don't like this new place. I also miss the old place, though it was very small... Sighs..

Anyways, I'll end this post. I'm just in deep thought, trying to find routes to detach my personal feelings from the actual situation by getting to the bottom of what's causing such intensity.
Dxs: BPD
Agoraphobia
Schizaffective,Bipolar Type
Bipolar Disorder, NOS
--- No Meds --
xXDarkStarXx
Consumer 2
Consumer 2
 
Posts: 55
Joined: Sun Jan 31, 2016 10:20 am
Local time: Thu Sep 19, 2019 7:33 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

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