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xXDarkStarXx Journal (replies welcome)

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Re: xXDarkStarXx Journal (replies welcome)

Postby xXDarkStarXx » Sun Jan 28, 2018 12:30 am

I did not realize how clear it was that everyone around does not care about me until recently. Everyone who's called me their "friends," news guy, my parents, my siblings...everyone--They truly don't care about me nor my existence and it hurts.

I was there for some people...people who you'd think were my friends but they were not there for me...at least not out of the kindness of their hearts. Now that I'm away, I can see it so clearly. They don't care and never did.

What a devastating conclusion to come to.
Dxs: BPD
Agoraphobia
Schizaffective,Bipolar Type
Bipolar Disorder, NOS
--- No Meds --
xXDarkStarXx
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Re: xXDarkStarXx Journal (replies welcome)

Postby xXDarkStarXx » Sun Jan 28, 2018 12:41 am

I'm not having a pity party but I am looking at the facts and they are making me feel bad and cry. That's all. It's true. I may be pretty looking but I am unattractive because I am an odd woman. So, once someone sees and hears me speak, they lose interest. It hurts but it also exposes the superficiality of my "friendships" and people I thought actually liked me for me. It hurts my feelings.

I liked these people beyond their looks. Their looks are not even all that good looking to me. I saw beyond that and yet, I'm not pretty enough or attractive enough to care about. Well, pretty enough to care about is not true care anyways...but I still feel like crap.

I've deleted one of my social media accounts and haven't logged onto the other in 4 days. Eventually, I will deactivate that one, too. Who knows what happens from there? I honestly wish I were never born and so does my mom, obviously. Ever since I was a child, I had the sense God didn't even love me and I can remember a memory where I cursed him out at 9 years old. What an odd thing for a 9 year old to think of. I also knew my parents never loved me either. Maybe that's why I think love and martyrdom go hand-in-hand.

Maybe that's why I'm always searching to play the role of a romantic martyr.

You know, I've spent all day watching movies until I fell asleep from before Sun up to Sun down.. And now that I am awake, I will continue watching movies. I've been attracted to Science Fiction. I started with I-Robot, then watched The Others...which lead to me wondering if we are all dead and this is actually some sort of Hell?..

Then, I started on the Twilight series and fell asleep during Eclipse. It was nothing against the movie, I just had taken a sleeping pill and it kicked in.

Anyways, I'm going to go now. Goodbye.
Dxs: BPD
Agoraphobia
Schizaffective,Bipolar Type
Bipolar Disorder, NOS
--- No Meds --
xXDarkStarXx
Consumer 2
Consumer 2
 
Posts: 56
Joined: Sun Jan 31, 2016 10:20 am
Local time: Thu Aug 06, 2020 1:39 am
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Re: xXDarkStarXx Journal (replies welcome)

Postby xXDarkStarXx » Sun Jan 28, 2018 12:49 am

I think the internet and social media has warped my mind a little. I mean.. When I go out..actually go out.. Tons of men hit on me.. So I should not say nobody's attracted to me.. I even get stalkers.

I guess there is a difference between seeing me in pictures, on video and in person. All 3 are different versions of me.

In a perfect world, I'm acceptable to the one I love.
Dxs: BPD
Agoraphobia
Schizaffective,Bipolar Type
Bipolar Disorder, NOS
--- No Meds --
xXDarkStarXx
Consumer 2
Consumer 2
 
Posts: 56
Joined: Sun Jan 31, 2016 10:20 am
Local time: Thu Aug 06, 2020 1:39 am
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Re: xXDarkStarXx Journal (replies welcome)

Postby xXDarkStarXx » Sun Jan 28, 2018 12:31 pm

Honestly, I have no reason to refer to myself as an attractive woman anymore because the truth is, I'm not attractive. If I was the love of my life wouldn't have lost interest in me. The truth is I am unattractive and it is making me severely Depressed. My friends ignore because I'm ugly & insignificant. Nobody will listen to you in society if you're unattractive & ugly, either. So, I've got nowhere to go. I'm lost and like an ugly ghost floating through life. I don't even want to be alive anymore. I hope the universe kills me or something.

My self esteem has completely vanished. I am nothing. A nobody. Ugly. Unattractive. Beauty doesn't come from the inside, Only. I don't buy it. It's no wonder the world is obsessed over the Kardashians and people like that...because looks matter and I don't have them..and I don't have the money for surgery.

I am a waste of life & I have been holding back tears for the past few weeks but tonight, I am finally having a break down. It's no wonder why news guy stopped talking to me or reaching out. I get it. I'm not attractive. That's the real reason I stopped logging into social media. I am unattractive and have no place in this world. In this day and age, looks matter and the facts are that I'm not good enough, period. I shouldn't even be alive so God or whoever should just hurry up and take me away. As a matter of fact, if I ever upload another video, the only thing it should be about is how ugly & unattractive I am.. And how unworthy I am of anyone's love and affection. The truth hurts.
Dxs: BPD
Agoraphobia
Schizaffective,Bipolar Type
Bipolar Disorder, NOS
--- No Meds --
xXDarkStarXx
Consumer 2
Consumer 2
 
Posts: 56
Joined: Sun Jan 31, 2016 10:20 am
Local time: Thu Aug 06, 2020 1:39 am
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Re: xXDarkStarXx Journal (replies welcome)

Postby xXDarkStarXx » Mon Jan 29, 2018 3:01 pm

I'm trying to force myself to get over news guy and I feel like I can do it for the first time in my life. Lately, I've been self medicating and taking an OTC anti-depressant if you can call it that. It's called 5 HTP. I can't tell if it's working or not but I've also been taking it along with the Unisom sleeping pill because that pill relieves me of strong negative emotions and makes me feel good. So, for now until I get blood work done, I'm gonna continue to self medicate. It feels good and has done me emotionally better than prescriptions have and even though folks might say this is bad for my liver or whatever prescription pills destroy you just as bad. My Zoloft sent me to the ER, losing oxygen and on the bring of a heart attack.

I've never had to have an oxygen tank before but I was put on one, then. Taking the Zoloft. So, I let it in one ear and out of the other when people warn me of these pills. They work. I feel good.
Dxs: BPD
Agoraphobia
Schizaffective,Bipolar Type
Bipolar Disorder, NOS
--- No Meds --
xXDarkStarXx
Consumer 2
Consumer 2
 
Posts: 56
Joined: Sun Jan 31, 2016 10:20 am
Local time: Thu Aug 06, 2020 1:39 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: xXDarkStarXx Journal (replies welcome)

Postby xXDarkStarXx » Fri Feb 09, 2018 7:00 am

On the afternoon of January 29, 2O18, my pet lovebird, whom I've lived with and known for the past 5 years passed away. He was part of the family as far as I'm concerned. Through the years of "knowing" him, I would take videos and photos of him for the future when he did die but I didn't imagine the day would be so soon.

I keep blaming myself, wondering if I hadn't played with him enough. He had gotten quite cranky in his last days but I noticed, I week before he died, he came up to my face. I was holding my phone.

2 years prior, he had what I believed was either a stroke or a seizure. We took him to the vet and the vet could not find anything wrong with our bird, other than old age. He was 1O5 in human years, so he lived long.

About a month or so ago, I had an odd dream that my mother adopted a Chinese baby and in the dream, the Chinese baby died and my pet died, a few minutes later.

What is odd about the dream is, my mother adopted the bird who is from my favorite place -- Namibia Africa. I did not know this prior to developing a fascination with the place. So, once I found that out, that was cool. The day before my pet died, I noticed him sleeping in random places at the bottom of the cage. I told my sister I thought he was very sick. The day he died, it was cloudy all day long and we were watching him lay at the corner of the cage. He was flattening his head and cocking it to the side & I told my sister I think he was dying because he was going limp. At that point, my sister came in the living room and we were both just observing. At one point, the bird tried to get up and walk towards me. But instead he bit the cage and the final look he gave me was a look of "sickness." I'll never forget it. I could almost remember it as if it were one final "goodbye." I detected what was coming, so I left the living room ..a few minutes later, I heard my bird screaming and my sister shouting "OMG, come here! " I didn't go because I knew what was going on and I didn't want to have anymore memories of my dying bird in my head. But there was one last memory that I'm having a hard time forgetting.

I heard my bird screaming as though he was terrified. I can only imagine. Those final 3 screams still echo in my mind and there's no way to release them. I regret the times I didn't take the opportunity to spend with him but I also remember beautiful moments like him snuggling underneath me and falling asleep.

In 2016, when he had a stroke or a seizure, I thought he was dying then. I ran to the bathroom as it was happening and sobbed. I felt like I wanted to die, then. Afterwards, I assumed he was going to die and recorded a song for him. In the recording, you can hear him chirping in the background and I still have the song.

If that isn't bad enough, I am still having a large crush on news guy but I detect that he either has found an issue with me or he just flat out lost interest. Of course I should say I'm grateful for this but in reality, my heart is broken and I am hurt.

If I have not stated this before, I will state it now. Romance is the most important thing in my life. So, now that the man I feel I love, (whether it is real or imagined), has gone , I don't really have much direction. I ended up contacting him to see what his vibe towards me was like.

So basically, I unliked his page and it was my biggest fear for him to find out that I did not even support his page after our conversations and stuff. I didn't say any flirty stuff but I just "waved" and he waved back and I asked him something pertaining to his sleep. Then he asked how I've been..but the vibe was off and he did not seem too thrilled to hear from me.

Anyways, after I answered him about how I was doing and stuff, I asked him one more question. He answered and of course I was the last to reply. Then, I saw a notification of him inviting me to like his page. So, I assumed I was "caught" not supporting his page and I went back to his messages to explain why. I told him I was trying to refrain from annoying him so that's why I "unliked" it but then I think he took slight issue with it & rushed the conversation to an end. He told me he had to go do teases for the news but he lied because he spent the next several minutes on messenger.

After that, I sent something "kind" to him a few days ago because I felt "wrong" not to do it for the circumstances but other than that, there's definitely been a shift and it does hurt my feelings. I won't lie. This guy feels like a soulmate but not the kind of soulmate most people think. He isn't "the one" for me nor do I want to be in a relationship with him. In fact, I think had any of the flirtatious stuff taken place in person, I'd feel extremely uncomfortable.

So, I guess I got out of contact with reality but I still feel I love him in a more intangible way. We seem to have too much in common and we are always in sync.

I think he may have saw something he did not like about me but the sending me an invite to his page threw me off. It is confusing but whatever the case, I feel something changed, drastically and that's the bottom line.

It's like life came crashing down on me. Not only this but something is terribly wrong with me. I'm sick. I have tachycardia, which has been acting up insane amounts lately and other health problems that seem to all of a sudden be getting worse. So, my life is just falling apart at this point and I honestly am tired.



So, somewhere between my bird dying and news guys interest in me dying..my heart is sinking. I honestly do not want to die because I want to live to fix things in my life but at the same time, if God were to take me away from this Earth, I wouldn't be shocked. At this point, I feel like as young as I may be, my life has run its course.
Dxs: BPD
Agoraphobia
Schizaffective,Bipolar Type
Bipolar Disorder, NOS
--- No Meds --
xXDarkStarXx
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Re: xXDarkStarXx Journal (replies welcome)

Postby Snaga » Sat Feb 24, 2018 7:04 pm

Hugs! How have you been feeling lately, since this post? I'm sorry that I've only just now read it... I understand all the feelings about your pet. Every time a pet of mine has died (save maybe most aquarium fish) I have had regrets and guilt, and have had to console myself by telling myself I will do better next time. I think I do, even if it's just small increments. I have to also remind myself, whatever their last moments, that they lived a happy life for most of it, and were cared for and kept warm, dry, and safe.
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Tell someone you love them today, for Life is short. But scream it to them in Klingon, for Life is also terrifying and confusing.

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Re: xXDarkStarXx Journal (replies welcome)

Postby xXDarkStarXx » Sat Feb 24, 2018 10:54 pm

Snaga wrote:Hugs! How have you been feeling lately, since this post? I'm sorry that I've only just now read it... I understand all the feelings about your pet. Every time a pet of mine has died (save maybe most aquarium fish) I have had regrets and guilt, and have had to console myself by telling myself I will do better next time. I think I do, even if it's just small increments. I have to also remind myself, whatever their last moments, that they lived a happy life for most of it, and were cared for and kept warm, dry, and safe.


Boy! I wish we could like posts because this one was just as sweet as it wanted to be! Thank you! Do you still have some pets and if so, which kind do you have? I'm better now since my pet's death. A certain song I play still makes me tear up but I am moving on in that area, pretty well.

I have a new boyfriend or whatever, if that's what you want to call him. We are completely addicted to each other and it is a very unhealthy relationship. He knows I have BPD and other things. He also suffers and has been diagnosed with Anxiety. Me and him are constantly up and down.. mostly it is my fault but I also do not trust him. News guy is still on my friends list and I have spoken to him just to send something encouraging but he's been shady towards me and his posts are turning weird. I tried to be causual like all of his other viewers but he ignored my post in particular. I don't know what his deal is either but I've relaxed on him a great deal since I met my current guy.

Now, I realize the difference between actually being involved with someone and just thinking you want to be involved. I know my current relationship is going to end in a permanent breakup soon. I can't stay in it because it is hurting me. I need to learn how to walk away from things that no longer serve me but that is incredibly hard for me to do. :(
Dxs: BPD
Agoraphobia
Schizaffective,Bipolar Type
Bipolar Disorder, NOS
--- No Meds --
xXDarkStarXx
Consumer 2
Consumer 2
 
Posts: 56
Joined: Sun Jan 31, 2016 10:20 am
Local time: Thu Aug 06, 2020 1:39 am
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Re: xXDarkStarXx Journal (replies welcome)

Postby Snaga » Mon Feb 26, 2018 2:07 am

Have lots of cats, and a dog. It's never easy, to lose one. And thank you... it just comes from a place of understanding, I've been there.

I'm glad to hear things have wound down a lot, with News Guy! That wasn't a good place to be.

I'm sorry you feel as if the relationship you're in is going to end badly. In what way is it hurting you? And has he given you reasons to not trust him? I have some BPD traits.. but mistrust isn't one of them, I just do tend to devalue the other person once I'm in a relationship.

And you're right, it's super hard to walk away for some of us. I'm the same way. I'll find myself returning to things I know are not good for me.
Image

Tell someone you love them today, for Life is short. But scream it to them in Klingon, for Life is also terrifying and confusing.

We do not delete posts.
Let it go.
Without (forum) rules, we all might as well be up in a tree flinging our crap at each other.
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Re: xXDarkStarXx Journal (replies welcome)

Postby xXDarkStarXx » Thu Mar 08, 2018 3:21 pm

So, I still haven't deleted News Guy from my friends list... Mostly because I've become confused although I do feel like I'm starting to come back down to Earth and realize certain things. The guy I've been talking to has taken the backseat the past few days because NG caught me off guard and commented on one of my posts. He never comments on my posts in public but he did it 3-4 days ago. He was in my inbox at the end of February telling me he loved my profile pic... So, yesterday, I posted a photo and he ended up in my inbox again gushing over me and telling me how "stunning" I was, which I won't lie, I really liked. I was also drinking so that did not help. I only told him I thought he was sexy which is nothing new... The conversation was okay because I've learned to tame myself meaning, I no longer ramble on... I think he's starting to notice so he's been all on my profile a lot more... but I don't know about him at all. He has issues like the rest of us so I'm not going to judge. I don't know if I'm attracted to like I used to be or not. I do think he's super hot but that's neither here nor there. I sort of think he felt a bit of guilt or something after coming into my inbox because right after, he posted something pertaining to spouses. That's not my business nor my issue. I'd feel out of pocket questioning him about his marriage and always have. I did see a comment by his wife saying she was "proud" of her husband, every week and that gave me a pretty good chuckle... But.. Maybe his wife allows him to flirt or I'm not sure what the deal is...but like I said, I feel it's not my place and that I should mind my own business. Luckily I am not married to him because I wouldn't tolerate it. It's one thing to tell a woman she looks nice and another to be gushing and telling her you will think about her when you get home. I'd find it disrespectful and demand access to his social media .. Then again, maybe she does have it and does not care.. or maybe she does the same. All of these reasons are why I just prefer to stay away from asking questions. He is ruled by his genitals, it seems so... I get it. I am sort of the same in an abstract sense but luckily I've been able to hold onto my innocence. Although I've fantasized, I am a virgin and I don't wanna let that go. Besides, I am not right for him nor is he right for me so that's that.

The guy I've been talking to on the phone has eventually got to go as well. I have not told him nor will I.. I don't have the guts, to..but he wants to take my virginity and I don't want that. I'm actually even unsure of my sexual orientation because sometimes I think I want to marry a woman & stuff. I'm just confused altogether. My life is a mess and I haven't been back to the mental health doctor in months & have had several breakdowns since. Things just cost money and stuff. Then I have to work with my safe person's schedule. So, my life is suspended at the hands of the universe at the moment.
Dxs: BPD
Agoraphobia
Schizaffective,Bipolar Type
Bipolar Disorder, NOS
--- No Meds --
xXDarkStarXx
Consumer 2
Consumer 2
 
Posts: 56
Joined: Sun Jan 31, 2016 10:20 am
Local time: Thu Aug 06, 2020 1:39 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

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