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xXDarkStarXx Journal (replies welcome)

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Re: xXDarkStarXx Journal (replies welcome)

Postby Snaga » Wed Jan 10, 2018 7:07 pm

Agree with QG says, nothing good can come of it, if there is trouble in keeping... a sense of perspective.

I get infatuated like she does- it comes, it goes. It's how I'm wired,

Ah... the sig line, yes. I took another test recently and it came out slightly different, I need to take time to retake it a few times and maybe update that.
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Re: xXDarkStarXx Journal (replies welcome)

Postby xXDarkStarXx » Thu Jan 11, 2018 1:03 pm

You both are right.. nothing good has come from it but me going psycho in private and now I hate his guts. I am absolutely raging this morning and I don't know how to stop. I wanna tell on him so bad but part of that is because I want revenge due to him acting irresponsibly with me. On the other hand, I'm not innocent either and I don't want to ruin his kids' lives but I'm freaking angry as all hell this morning. These feelings will probably change. I need to find the strength to delete him from my social media. I'm so weak. I hate myself deep down because he makes me feel like I'm not worth anymore than what he's putting out. I understand he has a family but then he should've never said anything like he did to me in the first place. All the words we exchanged, I MEANT what I said but he did not. He fed me sweet lies and like a naive child, I ate them up. He's probably doing this to other women and other viewers because he is an old pervert. :evil:

OMG. I am SO MAD and HURT. I feel like a child throwing a tantrum. The most painful thing about this situation is that I am unable to talk about it to anyone who knows who he is except my sister. She's been supportive.. and I don't wanna tell my mother because she will do something to get him fired. To be honest, I wish he'd get fired or ran over by a bus. That's how ANGRY I am at him. I know that it is my illness making me feel so intensely but I am just venting.

I am SO freaking STUPID. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE HIM. I HATE MY LIFE. I HATE IT ALL. :evil: :evil: :evil: :evil: :evil:
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Re: xXDarkStarXx Journal (replies welcome)

Postby xXDarkStarXx » Thu Jan 11, 2018 1:49 pm

Never mind.. I don't hate him.. I'm back to normal again.. :oops: Luckily I didn't do anything stupid. Now I'm back to thinking he didn't do anything wrong and that I just overreacted and took it too severe because I'm screwed in the head and in the emotions..

I know I need to move on, either way.. I know I will never end up with this man and I don't want to. I'm a virgin and he doesn't know I'm crazy and should be on medicine. He's unreachable and i prefer it that way, yet I'm mad that he's not feeling as intense about me as I am about him. I know I make no sense but there's nothing I can do about it. :?
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Re: xXDarkStarXx Journal (replies welcome)

Postby xXDarkStarXx » Thu Jan 11, 2018 2:05 pm

It's very pathetic how I swing from thinking he's a monstrous old womanizer to thinking he's an angel that just slipped and fell when he met me. With my luck, the former is probably true. Wait, luck? What do I mean luck? I'm pretty sure he was tempted to have an affair with certain coworkers.. There's one in particular that I'm skeptical of. He kept repeating to me that he was a "Good guy" but that he'd think about me when he got home from work. If he is a "good guy" I'd think he doesn't do this type of thing frequently.

If he was just talking to me because he thought I was a naive woman, then maybe he just said that. I remember the first night I was a stripper, (& the last night), the manager tried to have sex with me and he told me it was his "first time doing this" with any of the strippers. I'm foolish but I'm not stupid. I was 19 at the time the manager tried to screw me, too. I'm not naive but I'm foolish because I see red flags and knock them down. It makes me feel like I deserve all that I get.. but this is just the personality inside of me that is normal and is being rational.

I feel like 3 different personalities switch in and out of me.

1. The me who thinks news guy is an angel.
2. The me who thinks he's just a guy who lusts after women and didn't do anything wrong
3. The me who thinks he's an old womanizer who should be fired from his job.

And they cycle all day long. Lately, I've been in a fog up until this morning. I started becoming detached from reality for awhile. It was nice while it lasted but I knew where I was headed. Like I said, luckily, I didn't do anything dumb.
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Re: xXDarkStarXx Journal (replies welcome)

Postby xXDarkStarXx » Thu Jan 11, 2018 5:01 pm

I don't know why this is plaguing my mind. I guess because of the huge responsibility that comes with it. I have the tools to get this man fired from his beloved job, destroy his family, destroy the viewers' outlook on him and destroy his hunky dory image, altogether. All of this power is in my hands... All it would take would be to release the screenshots of all of our conversations..

..and all of that power is in a borderline's hands. :?

You know what? I commend myself because I've been crying almost every night over this man and I've not done one single bad thing to him at all besides rant here about him. (I need some form of release.) Sometimes, when I get mad, I fantasize about ruining his life but deep down and at the end of the day, I know I'd never do that. I'm a foolish woman but in the beginning, I told him that I'd never judge him and that he'd never have to worry about me squealing on him... So, I need to keep my word.. sigh.. I've never been the type to leak out screenshots and I can't stand people like that. If I were to do that, no one would trust me after that.. but I think this would make national headlines to make matters worse. This guy has won multiple awards and etc.. You'd think that such a man would be more careful.He's super reckless.. and come to find out, he's been to jail almost 20 years ago. (The viewers don't know that and I won't make it my plan to inform them. I thought about it because I was mad but I'm not gonna have any bad stuff on my record like that. )

He's the most popular guy in his field in my state. (And especially in my area..) So, I'll just keep venting here as long as I need. I've been doing a good job not telling on him all of this time.. Even times I felt I wanted to absolutely die... So, hopefully I'll stay on this course.. I mean, what am I gonna do? Rat the man out because he doesn't pay me more attention than what he gives me? That's lame.

I hope I can keep this mindset. What a disaster his life and his children's lives would be. Mine is already a disaster and the "borderline" thing would come out too because the media likes to do research and etc.. and the cops have taken me to the hospital more times than I can count.. which reminds me.. He knows nothing about this. I'm sort of paranoid that he is catching on that I'm not all the way right upstairs but I don't know.. Sometimes, I wonder if he's all the way right upstairs, too. But I actually have diagnosis.. and he doesn't know about any of this. Sometimes, I think about putting out clues and hints on my social media so that he gets the hint clearly. Maybe somewhere,I'm trying to sabotage what is left of our communication. Maybe that's why I sent him those poems when I was drinking.. Anyways... I come across as normal as they come.. or I at least try to during our exchanges. He thinks I'm too hot for him but the truth is that I'm really obsessed over him and think he's too hot for me. Then, often times, like this morning, I wonder if I'm in a fog... because I feel a bit detached from reality and like I'm not seeing him for who he truly is.. not physically or anything.. and that I just have an isolated attachment to this random man from the news.. Anyways.. Whenever I write him back, it's an optimistic message with all smileys. I am a total phony sometimes towards him. I have to do that in order to keep the crazy a secret.. This morning, I thought I was going to end up losing my cool and doing something that I'd later regret. Thank me that I didn't. Anyways, I'll end this until next mood swing. Sigh. I wish I weren't like this.

But like QG said, he is probably screwing with my head and emotions, at this point because he knows I'm a sucker for him. I told him how I felt about him and he is in his mid 50s and is married.. Yet he continues to show up to chat at me.. flirty things.. knowing how intense my desire is for him.. Then he pulls back and completely ignores me for awhile.. then comes back to my page and likes my stuff.. then messages flirty stuff.. and the cycle repeats. and I allow it... He says jump, I ask how high? I am THAT pathetic. I oughtta be ashamed of myself. Wait, I am.. but not ashamed enough to stop. I might strike up the nerve to block him on Valentine's day though..
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Re: xXDarkStarXx Journal (replies welcome)

Postby quietgirl2538 » Fri Jan 12, 2018 6:10 pm

I have Bipolar I and I had grand delusions about a man whom I felt I loved and believed he loved me back because he flirted with me a lot. Well, my delusions or my psychosis led me to search him out more and to make a long story short, he ended up threatening me to file a harassment claim on me. I was done with him, but my feelings were still there for a long time. I didn't care if he was married, I wanted to have an affair or keep him for me. But I was ill with mania and psychosis, going up and down in mood swings. I was hospitalized and it took medication to help me come down from my high of mania. Now, today, I remember how I felt and I feel like I really couldn't help feeling that way back then, but now too, he is not my type so I'd never be interested in him to begin with. Just remember that if he wants to protect his reputation or job or family, he can go after you too in a legal matter. I talk from experience. Just unfriend him and block him. I know it's not so easy to do, I've been in a similar situation, but it's the best thing for you. And you can still vent here all you want about anything you still fee. I just want you to be safe and protected. Your emotions mean so much and he is playing with them because in reality he could never take that chance to really give you true love since he is married and he has the reputation to uphold. It's totally not fair to you. Just do the right thing and cut him out of your life. Hugs!
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Re: xXDarkStarXx Journal (replies welcome)

Postby xXDarkStarXx » Fri Jan 12, 2018 11:55 pm

Hello QG.. First off, I'm sorry you went through that..not that you need my sympathy but you know.. And thank you for sharing your story with me, although it was a brief version..

The thing about my situation is I am a quirt borderline so I come here to do all of my dirt, which is basically rant out every vile thought and feeling about him. I don't look him up on the internet or snoop in anything...mainly because I am too scared of what I'll find and plus it's no concern of mine. I also don't want him to leave his wife or fall in love with me because I couldn't give him what he wanted anyways. I'd never have his or anyone's children and he loves his family. So, I am not harassing him or anything. I'd remove him before I got to that point because that would make me feel ashamed as if I don't feel ashamed enough.

I know this man doesn't love me because he doesn't know me and I guess I don't want him to. To be honest, I just want an online thing with him.. I am unrealistic and idealistic. That's all I ever want from any of the guys I become obsessed over. But when I'm upset, my feelings & thoughts come out which contradict my real desires. Today, I feel content as though I am trying to allow myself to get over him. I contacted him in the first place to talk because I did have a crush on him....So I got what I wanted. I don't know what I am still holding on for or why I am still upset. I am trying to talk myself out of this fog.

I heard him on the news a few minutes ago and peeked around the corner because my mom was looking at his report and he wasn't attractive to me.. So I am trying to ask myself why am I holding on? I am wondering if I am holding on for the sake of adrenaline?? Maybe I am afraid my life will be boring or empty without a crush. All of this and I feel so deep for him, still..But today it's not an issue..

I still have not removed him.. I don't have the courage at the moment. I still like him.. :(

Anyhow, thanks so much for being supportive. Xxx .. Eventually things will run their course.
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Re: xXDarkStarXx Journal (replies welcome)

Postby quietgirl2538 » Thu Jan 18, 2018 3:01 pm

Thank you too, and I don't blame you for feeling the way you do, confused (sort of) about liking him so much, or even loving him so much, and yet at the same time feeling ashamed. Imo, there is nothing to feel ashamed about how you feel, but well, I am thinking about your feelings in this situation too, they mean something to you, they are super important to you. I want you to feel good and not get into anything that could hurt you, like a thing about harassment like I got, it was a threat, or a warning, however you take it.

:D Hugs!
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Re: xXDarkStarXx Journal (replies welcome)

Postby xXDarkStarXx » Thu Jan 25, 2018 10:47 am

I understand TG..and thank you for showing concern. :)

Things have settled down, big time now. I seriously think this whole thing is over. Since he sent me the message about my dress, I've just been getting a vibe that this whole situation is finished and that he is seriously done with his antics as I am done with mine. However, I am of course very hurt and feeling worthless for a number of reasons. It is not just because of him but mostly because my friends act like they don't care about me. I've made the decision to take a break from social media starting today and all through February. This means, no checking any of my accounts or even going near these social media websites. Social media has annihilated my self esteem and I got myself into more trouble than I could've ever imagined.

The issue I'm having this morning is, I created a few graphics for News Guy's viewers to use because I figured it would be fun back in early October. Now, some of those have over 400 shares and by the time September rolls back around, I know the usage of them will skyrocket. I've been thinking about deleting the graphics because it hurts to know they're there. They represent a very painful situation I no longer want to remember but at the same time, I know they're fun for the viewers to use. (Most of the viewers, if not all, have no idea I created those & I'm glad because they'd judge me by how I look...) Anyways, I'm thinking about painfully leaving them up because they will come in handy for viewers later on...but I just.. Most of the time I leave a situation, all that I've done during it, gets washed away. I can't do that here because I know the viewers like it.

I want to remove him from my friends list but I still care what he thinks of me and since this is freshly over, (in my mind, at least), I've realized that I projected my self worth onto him so it's hard not to keep him around. On top of that, he has a hang up with loyalty and so I'm afraid if I leave or delete him, I'll look disloyal or something. I know I really shouldn't care but I do. I hate myself. I just gotta take it one day at a time.

This really sucks..
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Re: xXDarkStarXx Journal (replies welcome)

Postby xXDarkStarXx » Fri Jan 26, 2018 9:08 am

I'm crying.
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