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xXDarkStarXx Journal (replies welcome)

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Re: xXDarkStarXx Journal (replies welcome)

Postby xXDarkStarXx » Sat Jan 06, 2018 7:37 am

Alright.. So the Shenanigans continued after my last post..I still have not messaged him first since Nov. 1st..but.. Basically, he went through my videos on my profile & ended up sending me a message saying "Wow" as in I look hot.. So I sent him a few messages back & he replied haha to both.. So I sent him poems about my fantasies.. I didn't get much feedback but then I felt like I had screwed up.. So I decided to deactivate my page..

I told him goodbye, he called it silly.. I told him why, he basically said I'd be back.. And then he said my body was amazing in response to me saying im an old lady trapped in a young womans body..

Sooo... He was right. I ended up reactivating.. Then I was scheduled to have surgery..and I posted about it.. Then he sent me a message, asking me whats wrong.. I told him.. He didnt respond until the next day and repeated "thinking of you." This was right after I posted a video..

Yes I was skeptical. So I didn't reply to him that night.. Then on December 30th, he was lurking on my page because he liked a post all the way from the 7th...

So, I went to his page and liked his pics.. But now I feel as though he is ignoring me again.. He's probably trying to fight against temptation.. I can't be mad at that but he needs to learn to consider my feelings.

It hurts so much. I feel like I am in LOVE with him.. I know it breaks all the rules of society and marriage and stuff but I love him , too. I did let go of the idea of ever being with him... Not sure he knows that..

He makes me so miserable and makes me feel worthless..but I can't stop feeling love for him.. I MISS him..and just.. Idk..

Valentines Day is coming up and I know I'm going to be hurt.. The thought of him making love to anyone BUT me tears my heart to pieces but at the same I knew what I was getting myself into.. I deserve.. Because I knew he was married.. But damn it...

He makes me feel like I'm nothing & like im ugly & keep having to win his approval although I know it's not true.. Im just messed up and this guy is a news guy.. So I get his image and etc...and so I'd never dream of saying anything.. Plus im being ridiculous maybe ... Its just social media but I still am so infatuated and can't stop thinking of him. Im crying. :,(
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Agoraphobia
Schizaffective,Bipolar Type
Bipolar Disorder, NOS
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Re: xXDarkStarXx Journal (replies welcome)

Postby xXDarkStarXx » Sat Jan 06, 2018 9:40 am

I am SO devastated, I don't know what to do. It's time to face the truth about this man. He is not the sweetest apple in the bunch like I've been repeating it. He is selfish and I am a blind young woman with no self respect or esteem. He's more than likely been doing these things with more than just me. He's been at his tv job for 20 years, so it beats me how no one has outted him yet. Maybe they all felt a sense of "loyalty" for him like I did and that they fell for his "sweet" side. Maybe they were too scared to say much because he is cherished and put on a pedestal by everyone around here. Who knows? I am by NO MEANS a "victim" in this situation ...but news guy did not have to send me a friend request... and proceed to flirt and call me "his gorgeous, woman." I flirted back because I got foolishly caught up in the moment. He knew how I felt about him but he didn't stop. I partially am angry at him for being a 55 year old tv reporter with a son around my age because he knows how vulnerable we are in our 20s. (or at least he should know.) Now, instead of seeing him as sweet, I am starting to see him as an old perverted monster...and the old and perverted isn't even 0.01% of my problem with that name. He disguises himself as this great guy in front of viewers but he's selfish and never stopped to consider my feelings or got to know me. He never asked me ANY questions that could have even hinted at him being considerate of my feelings. And this is ALSO what I get for entertaining a MARRIED MAN. He has kids with his wife. She is the one he goes home to every night. He put a ring on HER finger in real life...and only one on mine, in DREAMS..

And I used to be jealous of his wife and any woman he spoke kindly of...but truth be told, I am LUCKY that ain't my husband because he's garbage. I don't want a husband who will be on social media flirting with other women and making them comfortable enough to send my man flirty messages & etc. I wouldn't want MY husband calling another woman "his gorgeous woman" nor would I want him suggesting that they'd get anywhere... So, although it hurts.. I fell so hard for this guy and half of it is my fault.. I swear I just wish I was dead.. Ever since me and him started talking I have felt this was the worst thing that could ever happen to me.. But I couldn't stop..

I am not too sure he's doing this to other women but I wouldn't be shocked. Imagine how hurt some could be...but are just keeping silent due to his public image..and "sweetness."

I am contemplating on outting him but this would make my life and his kids' lives a living hell.. It would be all over the news.. and that would be selfish on MY part.. Maybe I will live to tell my story later... when they are grown.. Or maybe someone else is going to out him..

Either way, I have to find the strength to remove him from my friends list. I am so angry and hurt...mostly because the mask I created for him has fallen off and the truth is uglier than his loyalty to his wife..

Words can't even describe how painful this is.. I might need to go to a hospital soon.. Especially near Valentine's Day.. Oh God.. I am in so much pain..maybe deserved but nonetheless...
Dxs: BPD
Agoraphobia
Schizaffective,Bipolar Type
Bipolar Disorder, NOS
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Re: xXDarkStarXx Journal (replies welcome)

Postby xXDarkStarXx » Sat Jan 06, 2018 9:54 am

What is even more pathetic is that it hurts me even more to type these things about him because my brain is wired to view him as sweet and kind.. One half of my brain knows he is a selfish man. I should have made the connection when he was calling me "his gorgeous woman" behind his wife's back.. But I don't know the nature of their relationship.. All I know is, he obviously is aware that something was wrong because he keeps pulling back and going forth again.

So, there are no excuses. The bottom line is he is very selfish and is only giving in his job. What makes me crazier than what I already am is the feeling of guilt coming over me as I type those rude things about him. In the end, I know the guy is only human and he has a hardcore sex drive like I do. I get it. He feels he can't help himself. I swear we seem like mirrors. However, I can't help but to be angry at him on a more practical level. Maybe I am angry because these are one of the moments where he is pulling away..and it's giving me time to reflect on what's really happened, here.. Or... Maybe I really am starting to see the light of day and need to block him and make it official.

I am torn because I feel so bad typing those mean things about him but at the same time, I am angry and feel objectified. (That is my fault, too.) I am so hurt.. I feel like I can't breathe without this man. There is no cure for this kind of attachment I have to this guy. He makes me feel so bad and so good...

I am a weak , pathetic, stupid, crazy and naive woman who lacks self respect and esteem. I shouldn't have been born. I hate my life, myself and everything in it. I hate me. Maybe I deserve this crap. All of it. I am a waste of space.
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Agoraphobia
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Re: xXDarkStarXx Journal (replies welcome)

Postby xXDarkStarXx » Mon Jan 08, 2018 7:40 am

I'm a psycho borderline and I need to think before I post... :oops:
Dxs: BPD
Agoraphobia
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Bipolar Disorder, NOS
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Re: xXDarkStarXx Journal (replies welcome)

Postby Snaga » Tue Jan 09, 2018 6:12 am

Well, that really goes for anyone, here, hugs.....
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Tell someone you love them today, for Life is short. But scream it to them in Klingon, for Life is also terrifying and confusing.

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Re: xXDarkStarXx Journal (replies welcome)

Postby xXDarkStarXx » Tue Jan 09, 2018 10:23 am

He showed up in my messages at 1am this morning, drooling over the photos of my dress. I've gotten to the pathetic point that hearing 3 words from him makes my day complete..

But now it's starting to seem as though his messages are completely meant to objectify me... That's my fault...and at this point, I don't care. I didn't answer.. I don't know how.. Maybe I'll just say thanks.. But thanks to what...
Dxs: BPD
Agoraphobia
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Bipolar Disorder, NOS
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Re: xXDarkStarXx Journal (replies welcome)

Postby xXDarkStarXx » Tue Jan 09, 2018 1:28 pm

Although it is my fault for posting up pics in my dress, I am still offended at what he said. It's become super clear to me, all of the sudden that news guy has started to objectify me as he does with other women. I am nobody special. He is married and since his wife isn't that nice to look at, he looks at other women. I know all of this stuff, already. I know I am young and borderline. I know it's my borderline that is keeping me sticking to this guy and yet, I don't know how to end it.

Any normal person wouldn't even take things as deep as I did. I am unstable but he knew how I felt about him. This man does not care about me as a young woman. He does not care about my feelings and that hurts. He only lusts after my looks...and I'm sick of it. It's the same thing over and over again.

October 5, 2017 - "Those pics, wow!"
December 7, 2017 - "Those videos. WOW."
January 9, 2017 - "THAT dress. WOW."

Then if I were to respond with something just as flirty he'd type something lame like, "Haha" and that's it. I was hurt because I thought he ditched me...but I'm starting to think that maybe I'd be better off... because either way it goes, I'm getting the feeling this guy just flirts with women, in general. And I wonder how everyone would feel if their beloved news personality guy...the guy everyone loves, was known for sending such messages to 20 something's as a 55 year old married father of more than a few children. (One close enough to my own age.)

Although I get upset at times and feel as though I wish people knew this about him, I can only hope that Karma will come into play and someone else will expose him for this. That would piss me off as well because it would put it in my face that I had not been the only one..but at the day, the guy is married to start with. I am hurting because I became infatuated with him and the entire time he was just lusting. Even the night of the 5th when he said, "I guess we'll see where this takes us," -- I let that night sink into my psyche and I guess I looked at "us" like an "us" for that second and read the messages over and over, again. I know I am pathetic and I knew and know better but my emotions got the better of me, as they always do. And it is hard to be considerate of his wife throughout this situation because I like him, too..and so, it made it and still makes it harder to genuinely feel bad for her at all. Not only this but for all I know, she could be doing the same thing.

What I picked up about this guy since before we talked ..was that he had a high sex drive and probably really loves sex, in general. I'm not shocked he has so many kids. His wife is the only one he can have sex with , otherwise, he'd jeopardize his family but I'm pretty sure if he could screw any woman he wanted with certainty of not getting caught, he would.

To such a man, no woman is special..not even his wife to a lesser degree. But she is special in her own right because he married her. (If he didn't feel pressure to marry for the kids.)

The bottom line is that my infatuation with this man is bad for me. He knows I'm infatuated and that I'm young, naive and fantasize over him...but he doesn't stop to take that into consideration when he sends me flirty messages about my photos. He could keep it to himself. If he simply had liked the photo, fine. It wasn't like he came to my page and was lurking but he more than likely saw the post going down his feed. But again, after all I told this man.. He still found it necessary to come send me a private message about my dress. It's not fair. I stopped saying certain things to him so that I wouldn't directly tempt him out of respect..and like I said, I have not wrote this man first since the 1st of November. Ever since, he's been coming into my inbox making remarks about my clothes & etc.

So, I'm just not gonna answer this time. This sucks. I first saw him on the news in 2O16 and forgot all about him until September 2O17. I started getting a crush on him in early September and at that time, I did not know if he was married or not. I used to just view him as a regular guy on the news in 2O16. And before we started talking and I learned he was married, I gave him respectful compliments on his public page. I thought he was an upright guy who would not entertain flirting with viewers and stuff.

Then, I found out I was wrong. It was a meme that went wrong in which I hadn't intended. I ended up opening up a can of worms I am now struggling to close. This whole thing has been a beautiful nightmare. And it is odd seeing him on TV reporting the news, seeing him update his public page as a professional & then remembering that I'm upset at him. I don't want to remember him as a bad guy but I want to view him as a good guy who just has a bad habit of flirting.

And although I get him on a very human level.. My feelings are hurt. I lust after him, too but the difference is, I'm infatuated and daydream about us making love and him having feelings for me..and that's my issue. I am clingy and dependent on him. I am an infectious disease to this world and yet, I don't know how to stop.

I have not replied to his message yet and the hurt part of me is telling me to reply by saying, "Thanks Gorgeous." -- While another part is telling me to test him & write, "Come rip it off." Then, the hurt part of me is telling me to flat out, "don't answer." So, I'm struggling with what to say. I don't want to say "Thanks" because I don't feel thankful. I feel frustrated and hurt.

Imagine another woman going through all of this over your husband and you not knowing about it. It hurts me to think he's doing this with other women and we aren't even together! We hardly even speak except once or twice a month when he decides to pop up in my messages. I used to view our communication as like "we couldn't stay away from each other" but now I understand I've been looking too deep into things. That hurts me very much.

I need to find the strength to leave and although I say that, I feel as though I'm gonna end up making the wrong decision, later. I need to think about Valentine's Day and remember that for now.. He's in my messages.. but in February, he will be catering to the woman he felt he couldn't live without and he will more than likely be kissing her, pleasing her and making love to her. At the moment, it seems enough to keep me at bay but I'm very changeable. After I type this, I'm probably going to have a mood swing and decide "this isn't that bad" which is my issue.

I am trying to take accountability but at the same time, "taking accountability" fuels me to continues doing what I'm doing.. And that somehow, if I think of myself as a "victim" it will cause me to move in the direction of moving on.

Odd, I know. I know I am not a victim in this. I plant sees and then cry at the reaction I get. I'm very self aware but self awareness means nothing if you keep repeating the same actions.
Anyways, if anyone is reading my twisted journey, feel free to comment. I mean, I want you to comment, no matter how harsh it is because I need someone to converse with about this. I am all alone and can't talk to people because of the status of the person. I just want to know your thoughts. Then again maybe nobody's reading. Either way I need to vent about this, somewhere... But I do enjoy feedback, too..

*sighs* ..
Dxs: BPD
Agoraphobia
Schizaffective,Bipolar Type
Bipolar Disorder, NOS
--- No Meds --
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Re: xXDarkStarXx Journal (replies welcome)

Postby xXDarkStarXx » Tue Jan 09, 2018 1:29 pm

Snaga wrote:Well, that really goes for anyone, here, hugs.....


Wow...thanks.. hugs.. by the way, I see you are into MBTI. - I am an INFJ. :)
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Bipolar Disorder, NOS
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Re: xXDarkStarXx Journal (replies welcome)

Postby xXDarkStarXx » Tue Jan 09, 2018 1:54 pm

What keeps coming to my mind is how all of these men in the news , such as Matt Lauer & some actors, are being "outed" for sexual misconduct... And I keep thinking about how men in power get away with this stuff and how women like me don't help matters.. I just happen to be more aware and honest. Like, I think sometimes as women, we wear things that will obviously be appealing to men but then when they hit on us, we play stupid.

I'm not saying the women who were complaining are lying but I am skeptical of some women. However, at the same time, these men , like news guy act a fool behind the scenes and once viewers find out what's been REALLY going on, they are found in disbelief. I just find it to be a coincidence that I am facing my situation with news guy while all of these domino-effect-like allegations are happening. It's kind of scary.

This man invited me down to the news station twice because I got him excited. Imagine if I actually took him up on that offer and went, alone. We are both lucky this is only on social media, too. I often wonder as well if he's ever had an affair with a coworker but then again, I don't want to make that my business. I wouldn't be shocked I guess.

I'm thinking news guy loves sweet people who say sweet things about him because maybe somewhere deep down he feels like he doesn't deserve it. And he was right about one thing -- I do give him way too much credit. I mean, I did. My eyes were blinded . They always are.

Oh and let me tell you -- My ex boyfriend keeps sending me long messages about how he can't get over me. I wish I was in love with my ex because I'd be happy but I am just not. My ex is just as crazy about me as I am news guy.. Dominoes.. Dominoes.. Dominoes...

Anyways, I just had to add that thought. News guy is lucky I'm not hungry for attention and fame...
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Re: xXDarkStarXx Journal (replies welcome)

Postby quietgirl2538 » Wed Jan 10, 2018 1:10 pm

As a woman, I can relate to having infatuations, but for me they always go away eventually. I don't think it's fair to you now and especially in the long run to continue keeping in touch with this person. He will only serve to mess with your head and emotions. Just stay away and keep him away from you to protect your heart and mind. I've been there done that and it never ends well.
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