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LilithxScorpius Journal (replies welcome)

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LilithxScorpius Journal (replies welcome)

Postby Otter » Sun Jul 30, 2017 7:49 pm

LilithxScorpius Journal
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Re: LilithxScorpius Journal (replies welcome)

Postby LilithxScorpius » Tue Aug 01, 2017 2:34 pm

Thanks, Otter.

As of right now, I'm having several crisis at once but the main one is the dental. I'm poor & can't afford teeth implants after getting the others extracted. I'm freaking out. I was planning on turning myself into the hospital but now I must get the rest of the teeth extracted before the 20th before my voucher expires. As of now, I had my 1st bottom molar removed and I was in so much pain..until I took a couple Tylenol. It worked for the most part but now I'm stuck not knowing how to go about eating and brushing. I'm also dealing with a mystery health illness & believe I'm developing Endometreosis or however, it's spelled. I've been bloated for a month 1/2 now. I've not been diagnosed because the health department is too slow with everything and when you're young, they think you're immortal so.. I feel like I'm dying very slowly. My teeth are coming out, I keep getting sick over & over..& if it's not one thing, it's another.

Welcome to being poor.
Dxs
SchizoAffective, Bipolar Type
Borderline Personality Disorder
Agoraphobia
Zoloft : 25/5omg
(*I was also prescribed Risperdal but I refuse it.)
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Re: LilithxScorpius Journal (replies welcome)

Postby LilithxScorpius » Sat Aug 05, 2017 3:38 am

I had my 1st lower left molar extracted 4 days ago and I'm in a whole lot of pain since then. I am to a point where I am getting severely Depressed over my health problems and there's really nothing anyone can say to me to dissolve the way I feel. Up until 2 weeks ago, I was fine. I had no thoughts of suicide, no Depression, no chronic tears, or anything. Then, suddenly, I fell into a Depression, had my wallet stolen, my tooth pulled, and I was informed that I'd have to get 4 more pulled in the future.. maybe 5. The 5th one that I might need pulled, I honestly don't know how I can live with that one being pulled. I can't afford teeth implants or anything to save the other teeth that won't have a match. Dentists say you should get your teeth replaced when you have them pulled or the other teeth will erupt and you'll eventually have to get those pulled, too. I'm only 27 but this jaw pain is almost too unbearable.

I'm beginning to think that not being alive at all is better than having to go through this ever again. It is advised that I get the other 4 teeth pulled, quick, to top it all off. This one is not even close to healing yet. I'm going to keep my other teeth as long as I can bear but at this point, I can't fathom going to get the other ones pulled. I just can't. The thought of it makes me wish I was dead. I can't do it. I can't go through this again. I don't give a f*ck if I seem like a coward. It hurts so much.

I'm so hopeless but at this point the only comfort I get is from the thought of no longer being alive. Let me make myself very clear though: I am not going to commit suicide. Before I get to the point of considering that, I will turn myself into a hospital as a last attempt to save myself. (Which will probably be between this month or next month.)

So, I will be back here before then.
Dxs
SchizoAffective, Bipolar Type
Borderline Personality Disorder
Agoraphobia
Zoloft : 25/5omg
(*I was also prescribed Risperdal but I refuse it.)
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Re: LilithxScorpius Journal (replies welcome)

Postby LilithxScorpius » Sun Aug 06, 2017 4:58 am

Yesterday, I warned my mom that I might turn myself into the hospital soon and she got an attitude with me and got frustrated. She doesn't handle me talking about Depression at all to her. So, I went to talk to her and told her why I said that. She had asked me if I was doing okay, earlier and I told her yes but I lied because I know my mom hates to hear about me being Depressed and stuff. I told her that I needed to go to the hospital because I was having suicidal thoughts and if I ever got to the point where I thought I was going to do it, that I was going to have the police called so they could take me away to the psychward. I explained to her that the only reason I told her was that she wouldn't be caught off guard. Then I told her my situation about my teeth and the first thing she said was that I was selfish and self-centered.. and that there were thousands of people tremendous amounts of pain like me and that it isn't all about me. :cry:

Her words solidify my feelings. Then I told my mom when she left my dad for another man and broke up the family, that's like the same thing as me wanting to end my life. I told her that I could call her selfish too for breaking up the family and then she finally got my point. I'm well aware that there are people suffering from Cancer and other diseases that cause them pain. They are strong enough to deal with the pain or they choose to deal with it for their own reasons. Maybe they are more afraid to die than they are to go through the pain, maybe they don't believe in suicide, maybe that keep in mind it won't last forever but I'm not them. That's the difference. Each of us has to live our separate lives and we all deal with pain differently. All of us have our specific boiling points and the amount of pain I feel in my jaw is definitely the one lately.

As I've said before - If I feel like I'm getting ready to do something I will tell someone and have the police called. Sometimes, it just helps to talk about it.. and funnily enough, it also helps me to cry. I'm starting to wonder if that dentist lady fractured my jaw. My tooth was very hard to get out because my bones were very strong. So, my mind is wondering. It's not the extraction site that hurts so bad but it is my lower jaw that is in the most pain. It's very annoying. It constantly hurts. If I would've known this, I would have just risked getting an abscess in my decaying tooth and naturally losing the tooth that way. At this point, I miss my decaying tooth. I'm very irritated, frustrated, uncomfortable, and painfully annoyed.

Words can't describe dental pain.
It's the works for Satan, I tell you.
:evil: :x :oops:
Dxs
SchizoAffective, Bipolar Type
Borderline Personality Disorder
Agoraphobia
Zoloft : 25/5omg
(*I was also prescribed Risperdal but I refuse it.)
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Re: LilithxScorpius Journal (replies welcome)

Postby quietgirl2538 » Sun Aug 06, 2017 12:52 pm

I'm so sorry your mom isn't understanding or supportive. As a mom, myself and someone who has had depressive episodes, I am more open to others who suffer like I have suffered. So, if my kids were to ever come to me sharing, I'd be there for them. The last thing you want or need is someone making less of the situation or tell you those unhelpful things. Stay strong and seek out good people in your life like friends, even a therapist, (if you don't already have one). If you do find yourself suicidal, call the hotline as well, to receive help and support. Do you know the link to it already?

My mom doesn't believe in bipolar and she thinks that depression is no big deal, but I know differently. Stick to what you know and do like you are doing, which is to acknowledge the actual truth of the situation. I don't bother telling my mom anything anymore. I have my husband, and few friends and I have this forum to "talk" about things too. It feels good to be heard.

As for the dental pain, I'd recommend calling the dentist back and being very honest about how much pain you are in. No one can feel that pain but you, so listen to your body and go back to be treated so that you don't suffer needlessly.
“There’s an Asian expression that ‘a burden shared is halved.’"

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ADD (inattentive kind)
*I take loads of meds, but they keep me stable
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