POCD questions

I've been suffering from POCD for about 10 months now (last October), I remember it beginning when on Twitter, one of my followers liked some rather questionable content I ended up reporting because it was disturbing and since then, I felt guilty for something. It shocked me, disturbed me and I had nightmares over it. Those feelings slowly began causing panic, anxiety (which I never had) and over the holidays, it began making me think I was some sort of monster and the intrusive thoughts came; ugly images, making me question who I was and depression soon followed. It began hindering my way of life, I began isolating a lot, my family bonds decreased, I could no longer watch shows or movies that had children in them afraid it'd trigger me and I became hyper aware of my body sensations. Something as seeing an image of a child on social media would trigger fear and wanting to get away. At some point, I figured I needed help so I sought treatment.

I was introduced to porn at a young age and masturbation has been a regular thing in my life but the intrusive thoughts now seem to happen during that alone time. I've never had thoughts like this before - I'm a gay adult male, always had relationships within my age range and never had any problematic crushes or attractions. It's seem like a loss of identity. I have good days and bad days, where I'm able to tell the OCD apart and see how "silly" it can be and others where I'm so deep in the hole, I wonder am I turning into something I know deep down I'm not? So here came the Google searching for what's constitutes POCD from the actual thing, thinking I fell into one bracket but then doubting I could be one. There was a point I would gage my reaction to "test" to a simple photo on social media of a child smiling and I felt so gross, horrified because of even doing that. I've read people test themselves as "proof" and despite it being a sexual act, anything you're masturbating to can achieve climax. In the throes of these ugly feelings, I know I don't want it and despite the body feeling sensation, I felt so horrible afterwards feeling I've become a P.

I'm seeing a therapist since the early part of the year, been working on ERP and some therapies. I wish my area had local OCD support groups or a community to help me feel not so alone outside of my therapist sessions, hence what brought me to join this site, I don't want to feel alone. I don't want to feel I'm reassurance seeking, just want to tell my story. I feel scared and empty thinking of my whole 32 years of life of being attractive to grown men, that because of something on Twitter someone was liking, I'm now in a nightmare loop. When I think of a relationship, I think someone my age. I don't have crushes on minors and I can't bring myself to look at one in public because I feel like a monster or afraid where my eyes look, I bet it's a mental compulsion. My therapist and doctor diagnosed me with POCD but at times, it's terrifying if I'm in denial or OCD is really that strong.

OCD is a right bitch.

Did you have any kind of anxiety issues before this? You say you never had anxiety, but have you ever had compulsions of any kind, that this must be done, or that might happen? Anything? NOT disputing the diagnosis- just it's more common than not, that things like this don't arise just out of a vacuum. Oh, also drug use? If I got paid for every time someone on here said, 'I was smoking weed one day, and.....' Also if not, consider that a warning- pot promoters might talk about how weed is great for anxiety, but oh hell no it isn't when you have anxiety issues like OCD. Don't even think about self-medication that way. The few times I've tried it recreationally I wound up just a damn mess. It's all fun until that paranoia hits. Then you're in Hell. It will bite you in the ass faster than you can blink.

Sexual OCD themes are pretty pernicious and really tough. Because I think sexuality is so fuzzy. I mean, sure I could find a young person sexually attractive- but that doesn't make me a pedo, I don't have a special attraction to youth, much less children. When we had a paraphilias forum, it was pretty clear that pedophiles, hebephiles, ephebophiles, were attracted to the age ranges they were for its own sake. But because, again, we're sexual creatures and we're wired to glom onto youth and beauty, once you get this into your head as an obsessional form of anxiety, it's really rough on a person. Seems to take a lot of work to get past it. OCD is the Doubting Disease, and you can't help but constantly doubt yourself.

I'm glad you already know about 'checking' or 'testing' or whatever you want to call it, because it's bad, bad bad bad try not to do it. It means nothing, in an OCD context. OCD will twist whatever result you got and even if you like went totally soft or something, trust me, read some threads here, and you'll see that OCD will find some way to turn everything on its head and work out a way to 'prove' that whatever the 'testing' results in, you're still a pedo. Because that's how sexual and gender OCD themes work. You're a clever person- I am convinced the chances of falling into OCD increase with intelligence, because we imagine stuff, and we imagine it really well- and your clever OCD brain will work overtime to create new opportunities for anxiety. Been there and done that with my Harm OCD.

OCD- and it seems especially sexual themes like 'POCD' are really good at hitting you when you're well, pleasuring yourself. For some poor souls that have posted here, it's as if anything enjoyable, sexual or not, gets tied up with pedophile fears- OCD loves to suck the joy out of things. So yeah it's totally normal and not at all surprising that those alone times you are going to be second-guessing the hell out of yourself.

powerranger91 wrote:I remember it beginning when on Twitter, one of my followers liked some rather questionable content I ended up reporting because it was disturbing and since then

That's common as dirt with this OCD theme. An offhand comment, a dodgy photo or two, and for the right kind of person, the brain gloms onto it and won't let it go. One day you're totally unconcerned, then the next day after that one event, you're wondering if you're some sort of monster.

No reassurance from me. I'm OCD, but I've never particularly suffered from POCD- that's one thing I've always been able to nip in the bud. I won't ruminate or entertain the thought, because I don't want to fall into that trap. I had Harm OCD for many years- decades- and I've learned that it doesn't matter what I think of, dream, fantasize, etc.- it's what I'll DO. I am not a killer (my harm OCD), because I've never done it, and I'm not going to do it, and I make the decision to not worry about it, until I've done it. And when I get even the barest tickle of POCD, I tell myself that well, I'm not one, I'm not going to start second guessing myself, I'm not going to worry about it. I'll worry about it when I am one, not before. When it comes to OCD, we have to take the attitude that we are NOT our thoughts. OCD would have us think every thought equals real life action or desires, and that's simply not so. If anything, being diagnosed with OCD, and worrying obsessively about being a pedophile, probably says a lot about what kind of person you really are- which is the opposite of what your OCD is screaming at you.

Hi there, thank you for replying.

To be quite honest, I don't remember having anxiety prior to this. The only times I could say I felt something like that was akin to giving a presentation before a group of people or running into an ex-boyfriend I didn't want to see. Other than that, I would say I was rather anxious-less (if that's a word) and mostly a worrier. I may have had some small compulsion in regards to organization but nothing debilitating that I can remember. No drug usage here, I've only tried weed twice in my early 20's and it was not for me, although I did get suggestions from people to try it once OCD and anxiety began happening and I read up on some negative experiences people have with it so I opted not to do that.

Oh I agree, prior to OCD developing, I mostly dated people in my age range (either two years older or younger) because I wanted a relationship with someone who was in my state of mind so to speak, not too immature, or judgmental on where I was at life compared to them etc. I could notice cute characteristics in younger people such as "Oh I like their hair" or when people would show me their kids to give a compliment but it was never anything sexual or with a insidious meaning.

When that happened on Twitter with stumbling across that horrible content, it shows what people repost I remember being horrified because how is this allowed there and who wants to see that. I reported it and the profile to an org that I also called that evening after a bad panic attack. I would say my anxiety began there, despite being told everything was fine and I did all I could, I felt I was dirty and guilty, that I should be ashamed. I carried that guilt, it began turning into anxiety, I couldn't look children in the eye, avoided them, couldn't watch shows or movies with them, kept getting intrusive thoughts until I felt I couldn't live like this anymore and sought help. I've been diagnosed with OCD, PTSD panic disorder and GAD and been taking meds and undergoing therapy.

As for testing, I hate hate hate that I felt the need to do so. The way my mind pattern was during the time was I avoided looking at anyone who could be a minor, I would get a shot of panic or fear even scrolling on social media and it was not pleasant. But as it is common with people with OCD, we want that certainty, that definite answer so I tried and unfortunately, it sunk me into a deeper hole and more self doubt followed. I felt because I did that that confirmed and validated my fears so it made real arousal to grown men vulnerable to more intrusive thoughts and my OCD saying "you're in denial" or giving these weird urges to test again though I don't want to and I end up feeling worse. What's odd is knowing what I am attracted to and then suddenly feeling out of element, questioning who I am and not sure what is true or not. Though when I'm in a clear state of mind, I see clearly but man, being in the trenches, it's scary and with I think is false arousal, it makes you think you are what you fear. I do agree if you're testing by masturbation, you're going to be aroused well because you're engaging in something sexual. I also dread "alone time" now because my intrusive thoughts and false urges hit there and I hate it.

I'm hopeful that therapy and medication will help me get out of the trenches and get back to living. I wanted to teach, have always wanted to have children of my own one day and I feel afraid it's begun robbing me of that because I know I don't have those desires despite what OCD says and I don't hurt people at all. Currently, leaving the house is tough at times. I feel dread seeing children, I can't look at them without my mind doing a Compulsion of "are you attracted, why are you staring" and then if I do stare I feel it's inappropriate, voices trigger me, I avoid shows and movies I used to love because children feature in them, it's been quite isolating and tough. I would think someone who had the actual thing would find desire and pleasure in that, meanwhile these last ten months have been incredibly lonely, terrifying and depressing. Sorry for the long reply, I wasn't knowledgeable in OCD before but reading, asking questions and reaching out has made me feel more comfortable sharing my story or wanting to find people who'd understand. At the end of the day, when I see a potential partner in life it's a grown adult male in my age range, not someone underage. I just wish it was easier to tell my mind that.

powerranger91 wrote: and mostly a worrier

Which is anxiety...

I don't pretend to know how adults fall into this, except that your story is very common here- a single incident or comment seemingly setting it off like a string of dominoes. I myself have been having OCD behaviors since... early childhood. Although it didn't really kick into high gear until I was all of ten or so.

powerranger91 wrote:although I did get suggestions from people to try it once OCD and anxiety began happening and I read up on some negative experiences people have with it so I opted not to do that.

You have opted wisely.

I think it's harder with sexual themes. But I know I didn't get a handle on my intrusive harm thoughts until I learned to intentionally disregard them. And I think POCD is only partly a sexual OCD, for that matter- there's a lot of fears of harming in there as well. Look, I'll worry about it, when I've done it. Not before. In POCD terms, that's going to be when I come to myself and realise I'm in the act of molesting a child. Not before. Until then, it hasn't happened. Until then, it doesn't matter what my mind says I am going to do, what I really want to do, none of it. If it ain't happened, it don't exist.

And it's not enough to do that- well I mean, when it comes to my harm intrusive thoughts, I have to not care if it happens. So if I was getting bitten by the POCD bug bad (it has but nibbled, and I've bopped it on the head and sent it packing more than once) it's going to be not only has it not happened, I'm not going to care if it does.

Now, deep down, that's a lie. If I didn't care, then I wouldn't be obsessing over it. But it's attitude. You have to pull the snake's fangs. You can't be afraid of what hasn't happened, and a big part of that is making the conscious decision to not care if it does. Using my harm intrusive thoughts (to be blunt, intrusive thoughts I'll kill my partner), it's not enough to try to ignore the thoughts. I have to not care. Don't care. Fine, I'm gonna do it, don't care. Care when I do it and not before. You have to call OCDs bluff. If I allowed myself to care, then I open myself to worrying that I'll do it. And having to deal with compulsions and all the rest of it. Instead, I've learned to be like, whatever. And ten minutes later (if that) I've totally forgotten it ever happened.

Which only comes with a lot of practice. In your terms, a lot of movies and going places and being like, whatever. It's really hard to do. It's not easy, but it's not magic, either. For me, it's just out-stubborning the anxiety. I'm not able to do that with all my anxiety issues, but I do manage it with things that involve intrusive thoughts of action- don't ask me why I have to travel to work using this route listening to this on the radio and do only that while I'm driving, I can whup some things but work anxiety? damn that's real... But really I know OCD is OCD and if I'd apply myself to other anxiety issues it's all going to be the same sorts of fixes. I'm guessing I practice a form of ERP with my intrusive harm, and the rare times pedo fears try to raise their head. I did the same thing without knowing it, back when I used to have panic attacks in my 20s. It'd happen specific places, and I had to make myself intentionally put myself in those places, consequences (heart attack) be damned. And just like that, they stopped...

You seem well read and self-aware, knowledge is power and I think you've made some good choices and starts on getting this under control- I won't say curing it. I know of no one that's been cured of OCD. It's managed. You're always going to be tested. It can lay fallow for a long time- months, years. Then one day it'll give your brain a tickle, just to see if you're paying attention. I mean, I've whupped my harm OCD for the most part, but at any random time a thought might pop into my head, and I have to be ready to not care and ignore it. I know the moment I let myself give in to worry just a little, just a tiny bit- it'll force its way through the door. That's never going to change, that's with me the rest of my Earthly life. Something folks don't realise and they'll lose the anxiety, then years later be back here because it's come back on them like a ton of bricks. So, I think a wise choice is to take the attitude that you're living with this thing, and it's not leaving, so you have to learn to manage the beast. For me, I visualise OCD as an imp, or a demon. It has taken squatter's rights in my head. I can't get rid of it, but I can keep it starved for food- that food being anxiety. OCD creates anxiety for sustenance; I have to deny it. The more I can deny it my fear, the weaker it is and the less fear it's able to gin up. And it's a game that never ends. But with practice, it can be kept in its place.

I think I may have shown some seeds of OCD forming over the years but never realized. Worrying about stuff like friendships, relationships and other themes until this unfortunate one happened. My therapist and I are going to dive into that.

I'm happy to hear you're doing well with your Harm OCD and managed to keep POCD at bay. I will apply the method you use about I'll worry when it happens and it's a good way to not fall into the OCD thought spirals and traps it sets, thank you for that. Pull the fangs from the snake I'll remember that. I had a bad weekend which I felt completely lost and feared the worst then the days got better. My therapist and I are working on ERP and CBT challenging the thoughts which some have helped. Two especially "Is this thought hurting or helping me" and "Is this my true self or feared self?"

That's been the thing keeping me stuck is avoidance and the constant testing compulsion. Going out and about avoiding eye contact, staring, worrying if I'm attracted or not since it's so confusing, never had this dilemma before and then of course during "alone time" having intrusive thoughts come in and wondering if it's something suppressed or OCD being so manipulative. I think that's one thing that can cause POCD sufferers is wondering if they like the thoughts or OCD is pulling the strings, the false urges, arousal and attraction. I know that's what dug its heels deeper in me was when I did a compulsion of testing arousal and attraction through masturbation and climaxed, however when I think of a perfect partner, it's an adult male but it feels like a form of self reassurance. I think I would have shown some sort of past if I was a P in denial and it couldn't just develop. Though, I'm unsure how real urges or false attractions can get, when I'm in the OCD spiral it feels real and then when I'm out of it, I feel nothing. Though I can say when it happens, I feel disgust, fear, anxiety.

Thank you again for responding. Considering how isolating and lonely this disorder can be to a person, you have no idea how your response has helped to know I'm not alone in this. I appreciate it.

This forum is plenty proof you're not alone! People will come and go, they'll get better, then have a setback and return, or get better and stay better (I hope, presume). But you see there's no lack of POCD stories here.

That's the best thing about finding this forum is knowing you're among people who know what you're going through. I've had some days of clarity this past week and felt like my old self again and then it's like OCD spikes then here comes the thoughts -- I'm determined to beat this. Thank you for the clarification and insight.

I think the only thing that bothers me are the testing (staring compulsion) but I'm sure I'll conquer it one day. I feel distress, fear and ugly feelings when OCD hits so it's getting easier to know when it's OCD striking.