Tried to ERP to straight adult content, failed horribly(OCD)

I know I keep making posts about this and I’m sorry but I’m truly having a mental breakdown right now, this is absolutely killing me internally, I’m really on the verge of just ending it all

Yesterday I tried to watch straight porn because I had been afraid of seeing penises, so I slapped on a random porn video and just tried to masturbate like I used to. The reason I started the whole ERP in the first place was because I kept getting groinal responses every time I saw a penis in porn and I decided I’m going to know once and for all and when I did this ERP I had no anxiety and felt numb because I had another bad HOCD incident before that so I was already hindering on being mentally broken

I watched the porn and when the penis came on the screen I felt a rush of arousal while masturbating like I was going to climax fast but it also felt very weird it wasn’t the same arousal I got from looking at the woman and then I ended up climaxing the woman

What confuses me the most and others might see this as a cope is that the penis in question was from a cartoon (it was hentai) and it was drawn in a way that it wasn’t supposed to be attractive it literally just a circle and a round rectangle, it was obvious the focus of the video was for straight men the dude didn’t even have a face, so why did I react like that?

Oh my God, it wasn’t until this morning that the numbness wore off and I realized that I essentially masturbated to a penis and now I honestly no joke feel like I’m dying, this is the first time this has made me cry