Feel like I'm going insane

Whenever I masturbate to normal straight porn it takes seemingly forever to finish, but if I think about the penis I seem to come to orgasm very quick. I even come very close when watching gay porn when I test it feels like. I was getting by ok until the thought popped into my head again recently and brought this issue back to the forefront of my mind again and I'm having a ton of anxiety all over again worried that I really am gay. And even more confusing and frustrating for me is that I almost always think about women, yet it seems like I don't really get aroused by them and instead get aroused by men

I really do hope this is just HOCD because I just can't imagine myself living a gay lifestyle and have never imagined that which also makes me worry that I never considered it because of pressure to be straight or something like that

You have 45 posts so I'm sure you've covered this ground before and may have heard what I am going to say...

Porn will F-up everything. It is the WORST kind of testing one can do (not that there is any good kind of testing) and will magnify the confusion tenfold.

No testing, please no testing....

Sorry to hijack, but what is OCD "testing"? Tried to google, unsuccessfully.

Testing means "to test" a theory one might be obsessing over. For instance, if I am obsessed that I could be losing my eyesight (even though there are no symptoms) I might spend my time "testing" by looking at small text on a screen, or seeing how my eyes adjust after the lights are turned off, etc.

In other words, it is the actions we take to see if our irrational thoughts are true or not. Testing doesn't work because a brain suffering high volumes of anxiety will never trust any answer that testing reveals.

Reduce the anxiety and you reduce the irrational thoughts.

I have a hard time not testing because it seems it'll just pop up and then it seems to send me into orgasm.

I don't understand though how it is that I can't get an erection to just a girl anymore and there seems to have to be a dude or a penis somewhere for me to start getting one. Was I just lying to myself all these years and never realised?

I assume you are talking about porn. Porn messes with the mind. There are many people who become numb to what they first started watching and no longer get aroused by the "same old thing". Often times they will search for more taboo things to get aroused. Many heterosexual people will watch gay porn to become aroused, or some other kind of thing. Not because they are gay but because the taboo nature of it (to them) arouses them.

Testing in general doesn't work. Test with porn is even worse, as I mentioned.

Otter wrote:I assume you are talking about porn. Porn messes with the mind. There are many people who become numb to what they first started watching and no longer get aroused by the "same old thing". Often times they will search for more taboo things to get aroused. Many heterosexual people will watch gay porn to become aroused, or some other kind of thing. Not because they are gay but because the taboo nature of it (to them) arouses them.

Testing in general doesn't work. Test with porn is even worse, as I mentioned.

I think I'm gonna try to quit porn again... I have been looking at it since I was in 3rd grade... and I'm in my mid twenties now