Help with P-OCD. Please?

So... For the past few months, I've been dealing with what is, apparently, pedophilia-themed obsessive-compulsive disorder. Lately, it feels like there might actually be attraction, though I can't tell many things apart. I can't tell if my disgust reactions are just consciously enforced or if they're genuine. I can't tell if my arousal is indicative of sexual attraction or otherwise. I feel evil, disgusting, and like I want to die if I am what I fear. Sometimes, I have moments of "panic mode," I rage alone, cry to sleep, hate God, myself, and everybody else, and plan to starve to death. Other times, usually the day after, I test my arousal again and decide with clear certainty that I am not a pedophile, that thoughts of sex with ___ disgust me, and I don't want to do these compulsions anymore (oh, my compulsions are typically ruminating and self-testing to see if I'm aroused). I'm afraid that I'll never get to live a normal life. Before this theme, I wanted to be a dad, raise a daughter, a son, be a happy husband and father. Now, this is happening... On ######6 Christmas Eve! So, your two cents?

Have you ever been diagnosed with OCD or some form of anxiety disorder? Have you had other themes? When you "test", what do you do to test? I am asking these things because your text is a bit convoluted and I am unsure what to make of it.

Currently, I am undiagnosed. Yes, I've had other themes - notably, themes related to religion, contamination, and wondering if I am homosexual. Finally... Self-testing means I visualize ___ acts with ___ to see what my instinctive reaction is (whether it's genuine, societally enforced, disgust, or arousal). So... Yeah.

Ok, so multiple themes, testing, and extreme anxiety mixed with symptoms of depression (it seems).

I have had OCD for more than three decades. I have also been diagnosed with other things. The main evil of OCD is the holding pattern that it puts someone in. Ruminating starts and then you end up going in circles. Days pass, weeks, then months, and before you know it, years. All that time spent trying to "figure things out". Many people never seek help and just keep working the math. Only the equation doesn't make sense and there isn't a solution.

If you want to be the family man you talked about, and realize your dreams - get help. I am on the other side of the hill you are on. I traveled the long way. Don't travel the long way.

Good luck.