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POCD, or did I cross a line?

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POCD, or did I cross a line?

Postby GiveItUp » Wed Nov 30, 2022 5:17 pm

Hello. I am a 23 year old male and although I am not formally diagnosed I am fairly certain I have OCD.

I will cut right to the chase - me and another adult were having a conversation online about women we find sexually attractive. For whatever reason, out of all the women I've found attractive over the years, my first thought is this actress in this movie I haven't seen since I was probably 9 or 10 years old that I used to have a crush on. I bring her up on a whim. I ask him for confirmation - she was attractive in this movie, right?

Before I continue I want to be very clear that I was not looking at an image of the actress at the time nor had I seen the movie or a picture of her in years.

He replies with, "Oh, I didn't know you liked girls like her." After he says this, I immediately remember that the actress was definitely underage, a young teenager. I tell him the truth - no, I'm not attracted to her or girls like her, I just thought she was attractive at the time. But he pushes me on it, and tells me if I like girls like her, then I can tell him, he won't judge.

I swear to god, I don't know why I said this. It was pure impulse and I can't justify it no matter how much I think, but I said "I guess so." My heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest - why did I say yes to something I know wasn't true? We continue chatting for another 15 minutes or so before he leaves. My disgust with myself and with the conversation is overwhelming and I block the guy and delete my account on the messaging service. To make matters worse, I look up the actress I was thinking of and she was only 13 when she was in that movie!! Of course I don't find her sexually attractive now, why did I say that?

I can't wrap my head around why I said or thought any of this. I have been thinking about this every day for weeks. I feel like I crossed a line here. Thoughts are one thing but I basically confirmed them with another person even though I didn't really mean what I said. My sexual attraction to everything is gone now and I feel like I am lying to myself no matter how much I check. I feel like I should be arrested for what I thought and said. I feel like I'm one of those freaks on To Catch a Predator that preys on children. How do I atone for this?

Thank you for reading.
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Re: POCD, or did I cross a line?

Postby Otter » Mon Jan 02, 2023 2:25 am

So you were a 9/10 year old watching a movie with a 13 y.o girl and thinking she was attractive? Now that you are 23 you mention (off-hand) that she was an attractive female to someone you were having a conversation with. Is that right?

First off, even if you were sexually attracted to her now that wouldn't make you a pedophile since that age-range is out of a pedophile's desires. Second, thinking someone in their teens is attractive is not the same as you wanting to have sex with an underage teenager.

I feel like I'm one of those freaks on To Catch a Predator that preys on children. How do I atone for this?

If you were one of these people you would not be posting here, looking for help with "anxious thoughts". You would be trolling online.

The REAL problem is, you feel you have OCD. If you do, this situation will eventually clear up but it will be replaced by something else, such is the nature of anxiety disorders. If this is keeping you from living a normal life, I suggest you look for a therapist or talk to a Psych.

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