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POCD Feel Lost

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POCD Feel Lost

Postby Emiliano » Sun Mar 06, 2022 1:01 pm

Don’t know if I have POCD anymore and I’m not here for assurance.
I just imagined myself raping/molesting with pleasure and it only caused a shear panic attack. I couldn’t sleep last night. My body was flailing.

I didn’t have anxiety but the sicko thoughts were there and I was wondering if I enjoy being a molester and actually act on my thoughts. It was so unbearable. I never was attracted to kids before. I just got few weeks of therapy and meds for the fear and now I feel like I want to be these things I don’t know what to do

I’m really scared. It feel like I desire doing horrific things for no reason and make me want to rebel against God and Jesus and that I have no empathy or self control.

I called my therapist but he wasn’t avail.
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Re: POCD Feel Lost

Postby Snaga » Mon Mar 07, 2022 3:01 am

Hello and welcome to the forums...

Seems to me oftentimes that POCD is more akin to harm OCD themes, than sexual.

All the reassurance you'll get from me is that personally you sound about as much a pedophile as the cat sitting at my elbow while I type this. You're horrified at the idea and while a pedophile might feel self-revulsion, they're not going to be posting in OCD as a rule. They're probably going to be getting their post disapproved because we don't allow paraphilias any longer as a subject. This ain't that kind of post- you're not struggling with something you know you are, you're afraid of being something.

Because I take it that you've like, not got a track record of messing with children, right? And I don't mean when you were a child. That doesn't count.

Feeling as if you think you want to be that way seems to be fairly commonplace here. But it sure sounds as if your heart ain't in it.

Reassurance aside.. I have harm OCD, and I have over four decades of getting intrusive thoughts. I'm going to kill my (fill in the blank- family member, pet- someone or something important to me). I'm going to kill myself. On and on and on.

Emiliano wrote: It feel like I desire doing horrific things for no reason and make me want to rebel against God and Jesus and that I have no empathy or self control.


Compulsions don't help, worrying about it doesn't help. For me, I have to decide that I'm not going to do those things. Nothing is going to make me do those things- I'm not an automaton. And neither are you. I was maybe ten when I started getting thoughts of harming and killing- I thought I was on the verge of being possessed by a demon, literally. I didn't know what OCD was. I didn't know about ego-dystonic thoughts that aren't really 'us'. I also didn't know everyone gets thoughts like that but we're the lucky ones wired to obsess over them to no end.

I defer my anxiety over harm intrusive thoughts. I make the decision to worry about it when I've done it- not before. For me that's the only way to get rid of harm OCD. And this isn't a purely harm theme but surely it overlaps. I get the occasional POCD thought and I squash that bug in a hurry. I'll worry about it when I've done it. It takes a lot of practice but it can be done.
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