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Climbing OCD mountain

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Climbing OCD mountain

Postby TrappedS0ul » Tue Jan 18, 2022 2:17 pm

Hi all.
It has taken 5 years to realise it, but I may very well have undiagnosed OCD. Whilst no one here can say whether this is or isn't OCD, I am treating it as it.
I am a 22 year old who is a very high functioning autistic and has always had obsessive tendencies. At first it was about drains, then nuclear weapons/war, mario etc.
It did not affect my day to day life and was about positive things.

***TRIGGER WARNING- Mentions of CSEM and similar distressing topics. ***

That changed at 17 when I visited a couple darkweb CSEM sites. That tapered off after 1 month and ceased after 3 1/2. After reading up on the law, I learnt very quickly that accessing such forums without saving/downloading CSEM was a Very Serious Crime.
I am fairly confident now that the event triggered POCD and ROCD. Prior to covid, I would get these OCD attacks every 3-4 months. Ever since 2020, it has been constant up to several times every week.

During these episodes
I would constantly research about what makes someone access such reprehensible material. I would constantly conjure up thoughts about children doing sexual acts to see if I would achieve an erection or any signs of arousal. Most times nothing happened, although my brain would convince me that I found it appealing, which lead to more testing. Every-time I am around children and teenagers, I check for any signs of arousal. It feels extremely awkward when I glance in the direction of a child for more than a split second. I would be paranoid that I gave off p*do vibes through unconscious body language. I have googled this distressing subject THOUSANDS if not TENs of THOUSANDS of times to gather information to reassure me that I am not a sexual deviant. I have had false memories about whether I did anything inappropriate with younger relatives. I asked my mother one time and she said that nothing happened. That memory got my age wrong!! I was also wearing jeans at the time, not flexible pants. I gave looked at stock images of adults and children and tried to compare my arousal to both photos. Sometimes I would get a partial erection and it would make me go into despair. I have also researched a lot about POCD. The doubt truly kills me sometimes.

Then there's the OCD over the real event.
Am I an evil monster? A deviant? Should I off myself? Why do people tell me to move on if the children in that material are traumatised FOREVER?

It is confusing sometimes. My identity is gone now...
Last edited by lilyfairy on Wed Jan 19, 2022 10:01 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Added trigger warning- no other changes
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