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POCD or am I just using it as an excuse?

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Re: POCD or am I just using it as an excuse?

Postby Aeylaa » Thu Sep 16, 2021 11:13 am

I don’t know what to do still. I literally clicked on it because I thought it was gonna be taboo for me to get off to. But when I read it I was like, no this is disgusting. I’m still not sleeping or eating. I deserve to die. I’m genuinely thinking about killing myself because I deserve it.
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Re: POCD or am I just using it as an excuse?

Postby Arik » Thu Sep 16, 2021 12:07 pm

Aeylaa wrote:I literally clicked on it because I thought it was gonna be taboo for me to get off to.

What you clicked on did not turn out to be what you thought it would be. That is all that happened. Something I sometimes tell a person is, "You're reading into something that's not there."
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Re: am i a pedophile?

Postby Rms21 » Thu Sep 16, 2021 1:47 pm

I think this video might be worth a watch for you

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fNxlpotyLRs - `Real Event OCD - What It Looks Like!`
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Re: POCD or am I just using it as an excuse?

Postby Rms21 » Thu Sep 16, 2021 2:30 pm

I really think that you need to go and speak to a professional about this. Believe me, you are not going to get the closure you are seeking here. If you were able to get the closure then the responses from Snaga would have already helped you. It's so much simpler to have compassion for someone else suffering rather than yourself. I feel with that in mind, based on how worked up you are getting, that you will sturggle to just 'let it go' all on your own. Simply visiting this forum looking for that one little bit of information that is going to magically make you think that everything is okay is unlikely to happen here. In fact, coming back here time and time again looking for that perfect answer to fix all this is only going to make it worse.

I don't think you're bad at all. I think you're human and you are struggling and I think you need to get the help you are entitled to in order to overcome that struggle.
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Re: POCD or am I just using it as an excuse?

Postby Aeylaa » Thu Sep 16, 2021 2:38 pm

I called a few helplines today and they all told me I wasn’t a pedophile. I’m still so scared, the fact i thought I could get off to something like that. If I told my boyfriend he’d probably leave me, so I think I’m just gonna break up with him. I want to drop out of college because I can’t concentrate. I don’t deserve to live, I don’t deserve to do anything. I want to die.
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Re: POCD or am I just using it as an excuse?

Postby Arik » Thu Sep 16, 2021 6:09 pm

In 2013, I was concerned for the same reason. I went to the appropriate subforum, laid it all out, and the members said I had a form of infantilism since my reason for wanting to have the body of a child had nothing to do with pedophilia.

I asked my therapist I was already seeing, and we spent a month on that one question. In the end, the therapist said I had POCD.

Infantilism or POCD. It didn't matter which of the two I had because I was happy with either diagnosis. If you noticed, it took me a while to get to that point.

What I'm telling you is, it may take a little time. I don't know what you do, but I like to write and either take a walk or do yard work to clear my mind. Writing gets things out, but I need walking or yard work to sort it all out between the times I write.

That question returned eight years later when, a month ago, I watched an hour and thirty-eight-minute video in which the interviewee brought up how we, as humans, were created to need companionship. A male needs a female companion, and a female needs a male companion. My answer to the question I asked of what sort of companion I want, in the scope of what the interviewee said, concerned me.

It took time, sorting things out in my mind and discussing the matter with Snaga, that I was able to put that question to rest again. I see your public conversations with Snaga. You need time, and whatever activities (writing, walking, yard work) work for you.
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Re: POCD or am I just using it as an excuse?

Postby Aeylaa » Thu Sep 16, 2021 6:53 pm

I genuinely think I might just kill myself.
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Re: am i a pedophile?

Postby Snaga » Thu Sep 16, 2021 7:54 pm

Aeylaa wrote:Hi, I am so afraid. The other day I was masturbating looking for taboo content. NOT CP OR ANY OF THE KIND. I came across this link which was like, “I had sex at 8 years old.” I clicked on it, thinking the fact it was taboo enough. It wasn’t anything to do with the child, I never once thought about a child having sex. Never have and never will. I was reading it, and ended up nearly being sick because it ended up being CP between two eight year olds. It was absolutely disgusting. I didn’t find myself getting horny to it at all. It was so disgusting. I’ve never been so disturbed at the end. Does this make me a pedophile, since I clicked on it to begin with? I’ve been obsessing over it forever. But I truly just thought, oh because this is taboo, I’ll be able to get off. But obviously I didn’t. It was so ######6 horrible


Merged into the existing thread- one forum per current topic, please.

Arik wrote:I thought Snaga already addressed your concern. You're not a pedophile. Why are you asking the same question again?


Because OCD....

Aeylaa wrote:I don’t know what to do still. I literally clicked on it because I thought it was gonna be taboo for me to get off to. But when I read it I was like, no this is disgusting. I’m still not sleeping or eating. I deserve to die. I’m genuinely thinking about killing myself because I deserve it.


Aeylaa wrote:I genuinely think I might just kill myself.


You most definitely don't deserve to die, sweetie, not by any objective standard.

Suicide ideation is, to be blunt, common as dirt amongst us with OCD. I don't think any of us really want to do that- certainly I've never heard of anyone here attempting it. Please put that notion out of your mind- also don't make me have to move this to Self Harm forum and lock it, which is what will happen if you just keep insisting that.

Rms21 wrote:I think this video might be worth a watch for you

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fNxlpotyLRs - `Real Event OCD - What It Looks Like!`


^^ That!!

Aeylaa wrote:I called a few helplines today and they all told me I wasn’t a pedophile.


Because you're not, sweetie...

Rms21 wrote:I really think that you need to go and speak to a professional about this.


Yes you do, Aeylaa.

Rms21 wrote: Believe me, you are not going to get the closure you are seeking here.


Nope.

Rms21 wrote:Simply visiting this forum looking for that one little bit of information that is going to magically make you think that everything is okay is unlikely to happen here.


Yup. No one hear can reason you out of this- you have to decide, yourself, that you're not a pedophile, no matter what I say, what Rms21 says, what Arik says, what the folks on the helpline say. YOU have to do it- and if you can't make yourself resist this fear, then you need some professional help- you're exhausting yourself, you're saying things about killing yourself that you don't really deep down want to do I'm sure, and you're thinking of dropping out of school over this, and you're worrying you're a monster, when you're not.
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Re: POCD or am I just using it as an excuse?

Postby Snaga » Thu Sep 16, 2021 8:00 pm

There are lots of worse people walking this earth. Some of them are even admins in a mental health forum... :wink: You got to let this go, sweetie. You have no choice unless you want to keep on being miserable. You have blown this so completely out of proportion.

Rms21 wrote:It's so much simpler to have compassion for someone else suffering rather than yourself.


Try reading everything you've wrote, as if another person wrote it, and see just how evil you feel they are. I'm guessing, 'not very'.
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Tell someone today you love them, for Life is short. But scream it at them in Klingon, for Life is also confusing and terrifying.

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Let it go.
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