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POCD or am I just using it as an excuse?

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Re: POCD or am I just using it as an excuse?

Postby Snaga » Wed Sep 15, 2021 3:52 am

You clicked on it, because you clicked on it. It sounds as if you're reading motives into your actions that's not there. There seem to be this expectation- be it HOCD, or POCD- that a person expects themselves to be viscerally disgusted by the thing they fear being. And if you're not- why that's surely solid proof you are that which you fear! Well... no. OCD wants this crazy extreme opposite reaction, to destroy the fear and doubt. But not having some sort of extreme reaction of disgust, means nothing. I have to tell you, I would not have been disgusted by the title. If not titillated, I would have probably rolled my eyes, muttered 'perv', and moved on. This isn't even CP- yes it's taboo and in the real world an adult doing something to a minor is highly (and rightfully so) illegal, but you are making yourself out to be a monster, when the monster really isn't there.

I've told you what I know- I have no book learning on OCD, or at least very little. I just know what works with some of my obsessions. And it requires old fashioned grit. I used to let my harm thoughts bother me- some still do- you won't see me get too close to some balconies, out of fear of jumping- something I'm trying to work on. But intrusive harm thoughts of killing others... I'm like, well have I ever killed anyone, or killed a pet? Um, no. Well what makes me think I'm going to? Ummmmmm.. and OCD didn't have a good answer for that. Okay, I've established that these thoughts can't make me, so... I make the conscious decision- the deliberate decision- to not care if I commit murder. That's the only way to defang the fear- don't care. Don't care, because I'm not going to do it. I know I'm not going to do it, by virtue of having never done it even when I was a kid and I thought my intrusive thoughts were demons. I can't reason with my OCD; I can, however, reason with myself, and then use it to call OCD's bluff. OCD is a bluff- it's a game of 'what ifs'.

I've had POCD tickle my brain- I've worried, a little. I've also shut that train of thought down real fast, every time. I'm just like, nope not a pedo. and I walk away from it. I don't allow myself to ruminate on it. If I did.. I'd be constantly afraid that I'm a molester in waiting. Well, I'm not. And I choose to worry about it, when I am one- not before. The day I find myself doing 'bad touches', I'll worry. The day I find myself driven to look at CP no matter the consequences, then I'll have something to be afraid of. Until then, just no! No. It's a horrible mind game, and you have to refuse to play.

It doesn't make the OCD go away- as far as I know, nothing does- but it makes it manageable. I still get intrusive harm thoughts, but I have practiced 'not caring' enough to where it's usually a simple matter to just stop thinking about it. It's a thought, it'll pass, and five minutes hence, I won't even remember I had the thought. It wasn't always that easy. It involved a lot of telling myself I wasn't going to harm anyone. It involved purposely not avoiding triggers- I didn't seek out triggers to 'check', but I don't avoid them, either. That weapon that my mind says 'you're going to use that, better hide it from yourself'- well, I ignore my mind. That potential weapon can just sit where it is- because A- I'm not going to do anything; and B-I've made the decision that I don't care if I do anything, and I can afford not to care, because I'm not going to do anything.....

For POCD, it's usually when I have a small child like, in my lap or something, and I'll be like 'was that a bad touch'? Well, I just shake the thought off and be like, 'no, it wasn't, stop worrying about it'. And I make myself not worry about it. It's doable. I know you don't think it is, but it is. But it's one of those things you just have to cultivate by doing. The first time is always the hardest.
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Re: POCD or am I just using it as an excuse?

Postby Aeylaa » Wed Sep 15, 2021 4:06 am

I just don’t know. I really don’t know what to do anymore. I genuinely might kill myself. I haven’t slept in 4 days properly. I cant hug my boyfriend, I cant even look at him. I genuinely think this is the end and I deserve it.

-- Wed Sep 15, 2021 4:08 am --

I just don’t know. I really don’t know what to do anymore. I genuinely might kill myself. I haven’t slept in 4 days properly. I cant hug my boyfriend, I cant even look at him. I genuinely think this is the end and I deserve it.
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Re: POCD or am I just using it as an excuse?

Postby Snaga » Wed Sep 15, 2021 5:06 am

No, you're not going to kill yourself. You don't want to kill yourself. You just want to run from the fear. People with OCD ideate suicide like normal people ideate going to the convenience store. For me, work anxiety was the most likely to make me think 'well I'll just have to kill myself'. Well, I'm still here. I have a feeling very few people with OCD have even seriously attempted to carry something like that out. Please put that out of your mind; it's just another way OCD is torturing you at the moment. I think it's just that we get so obsessed over a fear that again, it's the worst thing in the world and we put on blinders to anything else.

My suggestion is to take a sleep aid that you know you don't have a bad reaction to, and go hug your boyfriend and try to get some sleep. I don't recommend alcohol... when I went on my Escitalopram (Lexapro) for anxiety, my health-care professional made it quite clear to me quite bluntly, that alcohol just makes it worse- I was beginning to abuse alcohol because of anxiety. So.. don't do that.

You really need to see someone about this- I really think that for the short term, at least, something prescribed for anxiety, and maybe something to help you sleep (I am given Trazodone for insomnia) would be really good things right now. You've let your mind run away with this and this simply is not the huge mountain you make it out to be- I know it feels like it, but it's not, really it's not. But you're the one that has to convince yourself of that; no one can do it for you.
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Re: POCD or am I just using it as an excuse?

Postby Aeylaa » Wed Sep 15, 2021 5:21 am

Thank you so much. Another thing I worry about, (I’m so sorry) am I not just the same as the pedos that just don’t act on it? I don’t have any attraction to children. I also know a pedo in my area, who ended up getting arrested bc he had thousands of pictures of child porn, ranging from babies and up. Which is obviously absolutely disgusting. But what if I’m the same? He denied ever feeling pleasure from it. What if I’m the same????? I cant stop thinking about it. I’ve hated him for what he did, and what if I end up just being a hypocrite? I’d never look at pics of children like that. EVER. It’s absolutely disgusting. But again to the first point- you say “wait until you’ve done something” but what if I’m just not one of those pedos that act? Or want to act? And I already clicked on that disgusting thing, but I didn’t find it attractive. But what if that counts as acting on something??? I’m so sorry for all of this, I really am so so sorry.
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Re: POCD or am I just using it as an excuse?

Postby Snaga » Wed Sep 15, 2021 5:46 am

Aeylaa wrote: I don’t have any attraction to children.


Not a pedo. OCD can scream all it wants, but that was easy, wasn't it? No attraction=No paraphilia.

Aeylaa wrote:pedo in my area, who ended up getting arrested bc he had thousands of pictures of child porn, ranging from babies and up.... He denied ever feeling pleasure from it.


That's easy, too. He's a liar. Nobody put a gun to his head and made him collect those images.

Aeylaa wrote:What if I’m the same?????


You haven't collected thousands of illegal images. You clicked on some tawdry clickbait one time and for a few minutes found it mildly interesting, at best. Then went 'Ew' and backed out. And it's not even CP, it's a crap dirty taboo story. You can say that a real person wrote it from real experience, but if they wrote it salaciously, then they meant to titillate and it's no different than something someone made up, it's all for the faps.
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Re: POCD or am I just using it as an excuse?

Postby Aeylaa » Wed Sep 15, 2021 6:38 am

this is the thing though- it wasn’t meant for faps or anything, it was someone telling their shame about doing it at that age. However- I didn’t know that at the time. I felt awful because everyone in the comments was saying how terrible it was for her (which it was) and I was literally trying to masturbate to it??? Like what the ###$? again though, I still have trouble with the idea I basically tried to get off to something that had a child in it. But then it wasn’t ABOUT the child, I didn’t find the idea of a child having sex attractive. If I saw that irl I think I’d be sick. I’m just going in circles. I still feel so guilty. My boyfriend came over earlier and my heart was literally pounding in my chest. Would he be saying he loves me if he knew this? That I tried to get off to this? Probably not. Nobody would love me. Because it looks like I enjoy cp when I DONT. All my friends would leave me. They’d think I was some sicko who needed help over attraction to children when I DONT have one. But then I think- if I didn’t have one; why did I click on it? Please answer that. I keep going around in my head saying, it wasn’t because of the child, it wasn’t about an attraction to children. It was the taboo aspect of something like this, and I thought that’s why I’d be able to get off to it. But I couldn’t because it was what it was. I genuinely cant do this anymore, I feel isolated from everytbing and everyone.
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Re: POCD or am I just using it as an excuse?

Postby Aeylaa » Wed Sep 15, 2021 9:56 am

I am still so scared. I’m so scared I’m attracted to that. Help me.
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am i a pedophile?

Postby Aeylaa » Wed Sep 15, 2021 3:55 pm

Hi, I am so afraid. The other day I was masturbating looking for taboo content. NOT CP OR ANY OF THE KIND. I came across this link which was like, “I had sex at 8 years old.” I clicked on it, thinking the fact it was taboo enough. It wasn’t anything to do with the child, I never once thought about a child having sex. Never have and never will. I was reading it, and ended up nearly being sick because it ended up being CP between two eight year olds. It was absolutely disgusting. I didn’t find myself getting horny to it at all. It was so disgusting. I’ve never been so disturbed at the end. Does this make me a pedophile, since I clicked on it to begin with? I’ve been obsessing over it forever. But I truly just thought, oh because this is taboo, I’ll be able to get off. But obviously I didn’t. It was so ######6 horrible
Last edited by Snaga on Thu Sep 16, 2021 7:42 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Reason: merged into existing thread, no edits
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Re: am i a pedophile?

Postby Arik » Wed Sep 15, 2021 4:31 pm

I thought Snaga already addressed your concern. You're not a pedophile. Why are you asking the same question again?
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Re: POCD or am I just using it as an excuse?

Postby Snaga » Wed Sep 15, 2021 5:16 pm

You were looking for porn, yes? I have a hard time imagining a link to.. an account of sexual abuse, such as is posted in PF, would show up in porn results. How detailed was this account? There's a clinical way to put things, and then there's TMI- and TMI can often be construed to be salacious.

And so? Even if it is all true, not meant to titillate- so? I have several fetishes for the Taboo- I'm fascinated by stories of things that I not only would never, ever consider doing myself, but agree that some of them are wrong and are harmful. I don't go seeking those stories out- but I admit they're fascinating. But that doesn't make me anything, because I haven't done anything. Reading words on a screen harms no one. And I'm most concerned about my actions causing harm to others. With OCD, we have to learn to judge ourselves by our actions, not by our thoughts. Zero people were harmed by clicking on that link, and reading part of a story of CSA. You didn't crave it; you didn't seek it out on purpose; you agree that it's an injustice and that's not your thing. If I came across that story- accidentally, because like you, I don't seek that stuff out- I would have probably done the same thing- read it a little while, then I'd be like, 'You know what? I don't need to be reading this just for the sake of it 'cause I don't wanna be a Pedo' and backed on out. And then I'm not going to let it bother me, 'cause I didn't do anything wrong. If something sexual crosses lines I'd rather not cross, I back on out and let it go. You got to let this go.

Reading words once isn't an indication of anything. You have to have done something, before you can worry about being a pedophile. Don't confuse thoughts or something like reading an account of CSA with mild interest, for something like actually going out and molesting a child or collecting CP because you have a paraphilia. They're not the same. The human mind is capable of thinking all sorts of things, and is capable of finding its interest piqued by all sorts of things. And normal people shrug them off, and go on about their lives. You're hardly the first person to have done this. What separates other people from you and me, is our superpower to obsess over what a Normie shrugs off, and make it out to be this huge thing, instead of the little thing it is. What you did probably isn't all that unusual. I mean the internet is lousy with this stuff.

I know my harm thoughts aren't at all unique to me- everyone gets them. And most people just 'huh, that was weird' and move on. I've read it, and I've had normies in this forum, tell me that they get the same thoughts I do. And they don't obsess over them, they just go WTF? and forget it. I had to teach myself to move on. Otherwise I'd be too afraid to move.

What comes natural for people without OCD- letting things go- we have to learn to do.
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Tell someone today you love them, for Life is short. But scream it at them in Klingon, for Life is also confusing and terrifying.

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