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Lost myself to HOCD (graphic)

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Lost myself to HOCD (graphic)

Postby hocdguy » Sun Aug 29, 2021 3:09 pm

Hello, it has been a while since I've posted here but I haven't gotten better. I've been stuck in this HOCD cycle for over five months now and there is no way out because there is so much proof that my fears are all real.

Two years ago, there was no doubt that I was straight. I'd always been attracted to girls, and although I didn't always want to pursue them I was getting to the point where I was starting to think about dating. But all of that is gone now. This illness has robbed me of that, I used to be afraid that I was turning bisexual but now I am just gay. My attraction to women is completely gone, and is replaced with unwanted attraction to men.

Typically the criteria for having sexual orientation OCD instead of a sexuality crisis is not liking the thoughts at all and experiencing no arousal to them. This is not the case for me, because I am more aroused by gay thoughts now than thoughts of women. Before all of this started I could not wrap my head around why anyone could be attracted to guys. I wasn't against anybody liking them, I just couldn't personally understand it. But now whenever I think of guys I get aroused instantly, even though I do not want it.

What helped me for a while was to stick to my values and what I personally wanted, OCD aside. I know I like girls and want to be with them, so I figured that I would stick with that and treat any other thought as intrusive and disregard it. I know that really sounds like denial, but I have been obsessively checking my arousal constantly for the past month or so. I have been unable to think of women at all without thoughts of men replacing them. I knew that these were intrusive thoughts, and that checking would only make things worse in the long run, so I figured there would be no harm in writing it off as OCD thoughts and focusing on what I wanted. Even if the unwanted thoughts aroused me, that didn't necessarily have to mean anything because I knew I didn't want it, and it could just be the taboo/the sexual relevance of the thoughts that was arousing.

But the problem is, thoughts of men seem to be more arousing to me than thoughts of women now, even though I feel no desire for men. Even when I get aroused, I never look at the guy and say "I want that" like I would a woman. But over the past couple of days, my obsessions have become increasingly more somatic.

Gonna put a warning here because this is where the post gets more graphic and TMI.

The other day I noticed that whenever I think of guys, even in a non sexual context, my body seems to produce pre cum. Even if I'm not aroused at all, even if I don't get erect in the slightest, I end up getting pre cum down there. With woman I can't get any, even if I'm looking at some hardcore video of the hottest girl ever, the thought of a man with no sexual context at all will give me more. Yesterday I even noticed some after talking to one of my best friends, who I have ZERO sexual attraction to. Hell I even checked down there while writing this and found some, this is a nightmare. I don't know if this is the "groinal response" everyone talks about with SO-OCD, or I've conditioned myself to produce it to the thoughts, or that I've just been gay all along and only my groin knows the truth. But it feels like I can never get aroused to what I want, and I can only get aroused to what I don't want. Over the past several days I have tried to force myself to give up fighting this, and I would masturbate to the intrusive thoughts to try and confirm my sexuality. However this would always result in a downward mental spiral and a panic attack whenever I was done.

Despite everything, mentally I still feel straight. I don't see men in an attractive way and I still don't want to have sex with them (At least that's what I think but my OCD started flaring up when I said that, I'm probably just lying to myself and I do want to be with men.). But I just feel awful now, I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. I don't want to lose my identity but I guess I did a long time ago. I'm just a slave to my compulsions which fuel a futile effort to confirm my heterosexuality, which I guess is long gone now. I wish I could cut all of this out of my head and forget the porn, forget the gay fantasies, forget the doubt. I used to enjoy my life but it's miserable now. People talk about HOCD as either having it OR being in denial, but I must be the unlucky soul who has both, and I don't know what to do anymore. This is making me feel depressed and I don't see any way out from it.

Sorry if this post comes off as extremely self-pitying, I just had to write it all out somewhere. I cannot tell anyone in my life about this, so this was the only way for me to vent. If anybody could give me some insight on how to approach this, I would greatly appreciate it.
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Re: Lost myself to HOCD (graphic)

Postby Snaga » Sun Aug 29, 2021 10:05 pm

hocdguy wrote:Despite everything, mentally I still feel straight. I don't see men in an attractive way and I still don't want to have sex with them


That makes me think, not Gay.

hocdguy wrote:whenever I think of guys, even in a non sexual context, my body seems to produce pre cum. Even if I'm not aroused at all, even if I don't get erect in the slightest, I end up getting pre cum down there. With woman I can't get any, even if I'm looking at some hardcore video of the hottest girl ever, the thought of a man with no sexual context at all will give me more. Yesterday I even noticed some after talking to one of my best friends, who I have ZERO sexual attraction to. Hell I even checked down there while writing this and found some, this is a nightmare. I don't know if this is the "groinal response" everyone talks about with SO-OCD, or I've conditioned myself to produce it to the thoughts, or that I've just been gay all along and only my groin knows the truth.


That has me scratching my head. I can produce... a lot of Pre, when thinking about sex with guys, or yes, speaking with one to whom I'm attracted- or to a girl I've very attracted, for that matter, although it happens easier and more plentiful with men- but then, I know that arouses me and I don't have the doubts someone with classic HOCD does. I've always interpreted 'groinal sensations' as a physical sensation, not the production of precum. I have produced anxiety-driven pleasant sensations 'down there' on demand, without sex being a part of it at all, so I know that's real. But I just don't know about the pre. In any other context I'd interpret that as sexual arousal, because for me, even more so than erections, that is a prime indicator I'm turned on- but everything else about you has me doubting you're gay or bi.
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Re: Lost myself to HOCD (graphic)

Postby hocdguy » Mon Aug 30, 2021 6:05 pm

Thank you for replying, I really appreciate your insight. My new approach to the groinal situation is to just stop caring and checking. Yesterday I checked at some other random times and noticed it happening too, completely unrelated to checking with guys. And even when it did happen with guys, I didn't feel ANY movement down there or any type of arousal, the only thing I noticed was pre. But now I am trying to not care about it at all, I doubt anybody realized they were not straight by noticing only minimal amounts of pre coming from their groin (And I'm talking minimal, a most of the time I wouldn't notice it unless I forced it out which I doubt is even healthy). It is possible that the sensations I am noticing there are completely random, or perhaps something I've conditioned my body to do over the past several months. Or it could just be an indicator that I'm into the same sex, I have no clue but I'm not gonna try to find out.

I am doing much better today, it got worse for a while after posting the original post though. I had gotten to the point where my compulsions gave me no reassurance at all so I said "screw it, this isn't helping me at all I'm just going to stop caring about this" and things have gotten much better since. I am certainly not recovered at all but I'm not checking for arousal 24/7 so it definitely helps. I've still got a ton of anxiety to undo, but after changing my mindset on all of this I'm starting to feel like myself again and I'm actually motivated to do treatment now. I'm hoping to actually make some progress in recovery now, this theme of OCD is the worst thing I've dealt with in my life and I wouldn't wish it on anybody.
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Re: Lost myself to HOCD (graphic)

Postby Snaga » Mon Aug 30, 2021 10:02 pm

I don't wish sexual or gender-themed OCD on anyone, either. Both are fuzzy at best, by nature, and all sorts of thoughts will flit through even a Normie's brain. We're not simply 'on' or 'off' when it comes to sex and gender. Or taboo fantasies/desires or anything else. We're too complex to be put exactly in a sharply defined box, as people with OCD expect themselves to be able to do. I think they have to be content to be 'mostly' this, or 'mostly' that, and not worry about the other that they're unlikely going to do in the real world anyway. A gay thought doesn't make a person who for all practical purposes is straight, gay. Not one, or a dozen, if that's what they're obsessing over. I never had a 'what-if' moment that seems nearly universal here. I didn't ask that until much later, even though I kept calling myself straight for a long time after it was clear that I wasn't. But no, it didn't begin with some offhand thing kicking off fearful doubting. It was 'I want to mess around with him'- it was me being very horny. Wasn't no 'what if' about it.
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