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Not sure if HOCD or in denial/closet

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Not sure if HOCD or in denial/closet

Postby geasu » Thu Aug 19, 2021 1:17 am

First post here. So I've been having really bad anxiety after a bad weed trip and porn combo worrying about being gay ever since. I've found myself checking almost every day and recently I was trying to get off to a porn comic and it was all fine with just a naked female, but then I went to the next page and saw a penis, and right after looking at it and trying to look away from it I ejaculated and now IDK what I even am anymore!
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Re: Not sure if HOCD or in denial/closet

Postby Snaga » Thu Aug 19, 2021 8:08 pm

Cannabis for folks with OCD tendencies or anxiety issues is a big No-no, as far as I'm concerned. Too many times folks have come into the forums freaked out over a thought that hit them while they were high. I don't recommend doing that any more.

I think you know you need to not be checking- but just in case- Don't Check! it's a bad idea. If you're masturbating with enough determination, you're going to have an orgasm no matter what, and if it's images you don't want to look at, it serves no good purpose. It's one thing to not avoid triggers- we shouldn't avoid triggers- meaning say, the sight of a penis in heterosexual porn. But to intentionally seek out the images you're afraid of being attracted to- such as naked men or gay porn- well, just don't. Just don't. Don't look at things unless you have a real desire or curiosity to look at. I'm Bisexual (and have boy bits), and while I have often fretted over my same sex attractions, I never, ever once looked at Gay porn to 'check'. Looked at it, 'cause I darn well wanted to. I've never had a serious case of POCD, but it's tickled my brain before. On the one hand I don't avoid small children or imagery of children, but on the other hand, I'm not going to make myself look at children while I'm getting myself off, either. Because checking is BAD. I don't want to get off to kids,so I don't look at them to check. I look at something only if I really want to. I advise folks here to please try and do the same.
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Re: Not sure if HOCD or in denial/closet

Postby geasu » Mon Aug 23, 2021 1:23 am

yea ever since that happened my mind is constantly in a frenzy of checking and worrying. Whenever I masturbate to just a naked woman it feels like it takes forever, but once I see a penis I can ejaculate within the first minute it's weird and I don't recall that ever happening before. I can remember in my early teen years always trying to get girls and all that and now it just feels like I was being fake to myself so weird
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Re: Not sure if HOCD or in denial/closet

Postby Snaga » Mon Aug 23, 2021 4:40 am

I can't explain the fast orgasm to the sight of a penis, except it's my understanding OCD can cause fake attractions- also, anxiety can make one very aware of one's groinal area- I use to use a machine that could be dangerous, and discovered quite by accident that if I pushed the limits of safety to say, my hand? being where it doesn't need to be in a split second? that I would get a not unpleasant sensation down under. Which proved to me, in talking with people here about groinal sensations- yes- intense anxiety can do that. I could reproduce it in myself on demand. And it was something that had zero to do with sex, merely the possibility of getting my hand broken during the space of a few hundred milliseconds.
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Re: Not sure if HOCD or in denial/closet

Postby Snaga » Mon Aug 23, 2021 4:49 am

geasu wrote:I can remember in my early teen years always trying to get girls and all that and now it just feels like I was being fake to myself so weird


That's what I'd say you need to go by. None of this was an issue until you were high and looking at porn. I'm Bisexual and have boy bits. Now, if I masturbate to penises I do it because I enjoy it. I've been Bi since I was 12 or 13- likely before that but I wasn't aware of it 'till then. I've read of empirical evidence that asserts that male sexuality probably gels anywhere between birth and 15 at the very latest. And once it does, it's not very malleable. Not in the long run, anyway- yes men can find themselves in same-sex situations when no females are available, like prison or another all-male environment- but as soon as they're removed from that environment, straight males go back to being straight.

If you didn't think about penises then... I'm personally inclined to think that you're not all that into them now. By that age, I was very much interested in penises, as well as girls. It caused no end of angst and confusion, but the feelings for both never changed, either. They were what they were- I'm both the gayest straight guy I know, and the straightest gay guy I know- and I can't imagine being any other way- because I'm not any other way, and that's all there is to it. If you never really gave this much thought before that moment you freaked out over it... again, it's a hard sell that you're actually Bi or Gay.
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Re: Not sure if HOCD or in denial/closet

Postby Snaga » Mon Aug 23, 2021 4:54 am

You're going to have to make yourself not care- no one can prove to you that you're not gay. You can't prove to you you're not gay, other than think back on the proofs you've only wanted girls until you ran into this anxiety. It's not going to feel as if you've proved it, though. All I can say is I have to out-stubborn my OCD and decide to not care about whatever it is that has me in OCD anxiety. For me, it used to be intrusive harm thoughts. I had to cop the attitude that I don't care if I hurt someone intentionally, and I had to stick with that for a while- eventually my harm OCD got better. It never did, and never will, go away completely- but when the intrusive thoughts come, I can generally deal with them swiftly, because I've trained myself to take the attitude I'll worry about it, when I've done it. In the case of gay sex- well, I'd worry about it when I find myself messing around with another guy- not before. Of course in my case, well I wouldn't at all mind that- and I don't have HOCD so it doesn't frighten me. I have had lots of sexual angst over the years, but not this feeling of anxiety and despair that people with HOCD seem to get.
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Re: Not sure if HOCD or in denial/closet

Postby geasu » Tue Aug 24, 2021 7:23 am

Thanks for the replies! I don't mean to change the conversation, but I have a question. Ever since I was a kid I would get very anxious about random medical conditions. For the past I would say 5-6 years I constantly feared getting mainly cancer and would constantly check online for symptoms and any reassurance I could get. I was thinking I could be a hypochondriac, but could it be OCD and explain why this seems to have over taken that?
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Re: Not sure if HOCD or in denial/closet

Postby Snaga » Tue Aug 24, 2021 2:12 pm

I'm also a hypochondriac for as nearly as long as I can remember.

From what I'm reading, there's a lot of similarities, but enough differences in the nuts and bolts about how their respective brains work to differentiate the two mental illnesses. They're both very similar but the hypochondriac is pretty much only that. And it doesn't extend into other themes. They also appear to only worry excessively over definite symptoms, whereas pwOCD don't actually require symptoms to worry. Brain activity is said to be different as shown by scans.

And yes, OCD often seems to rotate themes, and a person will cycle through several, sometimes.
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Re: Not sure if HOCD or in denial/closet

Postby geasu » Fri Aug 27, 2021 9:05 am

I'm just worried that I'm not really experiencing OCD and that I'm just using it as hope :/
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Re: Not sure if HOCD or in denial/closet

Postby Snaga » Fri Aug 27, 2021 6:55 pm

geasu wrote:I'm just worried that I'm not really experiencing OCD and that I'm just using it as hope :/


A frequent complaint here in OCD. It's not called 'the doubting disease' for nothing, after all.

Only you- if you can step out of the fear- can decide what turns you on. Seems to me, being myself rather bisexual, that if something sexually excites you, that it doesn't matter how much you don't want to be turned on by it, you'll know you are. Sure I've doubted my sexual orientation plenty of times- I have OCD- but I can't get away from the fact that I'm endlessly fascinated by dick, to put it quite bluntly. It doesn't matter how much I'm attracted to the female form, and I am- very! Still doesn't change it, though. Furthermore, while it frequently makes me miserable, I realised a long time ago, that even if offered a way out- a magic pill, or cut that part of my brain out- I would not! Because the idea of doing that is hateful. When something's a part of your core being, it becomes a living thing- it's part of you- and all living things want to continue to exist. Being miserable in my skin, is preferable to the idea of any sort of 'conversion therapy'. Even if I intellectually know it would be better- it feels as if it would be like having a lobotomy. A life not liking what I like, feels boring and dull and flat and one-dimensional. Even if I always have an itch I can't scratch.

If a person doesn't feel like that about their supposed homosexual thoughts- then I have to remain skeptical it's anything other than OCD. Could a person be here in this forum fooling themselves? Sure, I suppose so. But would they be so anxious at the idea of being with someone of the same (or occasionally, the opposite- HOCD isn't only for Straights, there's SOCD, too) sex? I'm not depressed because I get a yen for penises- I get depressed because I don't get penises. Even if I don't want to want them- I want them.

Over the years I've jumped through all sorts of mental hoops to explain this away, but the desire for what the body wants, has never changed. If you can't demonstrably ache for sexual contact with the same sex, I have to look askance at your doubts.

And despite LGBT almost being a religious fad of sorts in the West, it still remains that in most countries, only a minority of people are bona-fide LGBT. I'm almost 50/50 Bisexual, and statistically, I'm a freakin unicorn!

It's crowed so much you'd think it was just everywhere, but really it's not. The odds are against all of you here in OCD being gay or lesbian, I'd argue. I just really don't think it's statistically possible. And so very much more likely, that it's the result of so much LGBT floating in the air these days in media and online- if everyone was talking about how some of us were Martians (if Mars had humanoids) and some of them didn't even know they were Martian- and if being Martian used to be unforgivable but society had relaxed on that and had thrust being Martian up as something almost virtuous somehow, yet there was still lingering taboo of being Martian- fueled in part by people having it force fed to them constantly how being Martian was somehow superior and if you didn't yourself embrace being Martian with religious fervor, that makes you an evil person, even if you could care less who's Martian.... well, I'd expect a lot of folks in OCD to be here with MOCD.... because that's just how OCD rolls.

That's my personal theory. And almost too political for the forums. But there has to be an explanation for this, and that's the only thing I can come up with. It's hard enough, growing up- but now you can see any conceivable genre of porn at the touch of a button, without having to steal it from someone else or sneak into a sex shop- and everywhere you turn, there's something Gay on TV or online, in what I think is excess proportion to the amount of the population that's naturally wired that way. And sexuality being a fuzzy, hard-to-pin-down thing in and of itself... if someone growing up in this day and age is the least prone to Obsessive Compulsive behavior, please tell me how you'd manage to NOT obsess over your own sexuality? I've done a very good job of it, and I was a teenager/young adult long before any of the current paradigm who had genuine homosexual (in addition to Heterosexual) desires- and strong ones! No internet, and I remember it would just be rumours- did you hear? Elton John's bisexual!! How in the world is a person insecure in their sexuality, with a tendency to OCD, suppose to get by nowadays without falling into that rabbit-hole, unless they're either very careful or damned lucky? I have no idea.
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