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Not sure if HOCD or in denial/closet

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Re: Not sure if HOCD or in denial/closet

Postby Snaga » Wed Sep 15, 2021 4:35 am

There are many things in this forum that seem ridiculous, to anyone but the person struggling with it. And that certainly doesn't feel ridiculous- it feels like the worst thing ever. OCD is all about something being made out to be The Worst Thing Ever. No matter how consequential, or inconsequential, it really is. The Worst. Thing. Ever.

geasu wrote:I also have what I hope is a feitsh and nothing more of imagining being the woman in porn sometimes.


Autogynephilia? Sure, it's a thing. Another, older term (by 50 or 60 years) for it is Eonism. Autogynephilia is described as, 'a male's propensity to be sexually aroused by the thought of himself as a female' Eonism, an older term, was defined by the man who coined it as 'embodying, in an extreme degree, the aesthetic attitude of imitation of, and identification with, the admired object. It is normal for a man to identify himself with the woman he loves. The Eonist carries that identification too far, stimulated by a sensitive and feminine element in himself which is associated with a rather defective virile sexuality on what may be a neurotic basis.'

That last seems a bit harsh; although I've never considered myself particularly virile, I will admit. I have some autogynephilia, sure.

From my point of view, I don't know how anyone doesn't admire the feminine form to the point of imagining being it.

geasu wrote:don't remember deliberately searching out any same sex images outside of a once or twice out of curiosity at like 12-13


geasu wrote:I cannot say for sure if I ever felt any attraction to men


By the time I was 13 I was past curiosity, and just plain wanting. In my case, for both sexes. Once I was 18, and able to buy dirty magazines (before the Internet), the only reason the first few were girly mags is because it took a while to work up the nerve to grab a gay or bisexual magazine and actually plunk it down on the counter, face to face with a store clerk. It was the 1980s- being LGBTQ+ was hardly the hip fad it seems to be, now. It took nerve. I don't see that nerve in you.

geasu wrote:The only thing I can really remember is being curious when I was really young or when I liked futa for all of a week when I was 14.


Futa. Pfft. Shemale porn is often the purview of normally straight men, it means nothing. There are.. supposedly psychological reasons a normally straight man gets into shemale porn. I think it's some of that 'exotic horniness'; I think it's a safe way to explore the taboo with a 'woman'; and finally, no one understands better how to make a penis feel good, than someone who has one. I think I've read all three of those explanations as reasons a lot of straight men- who consider themselves straight- go for Futa/Shemale/etc. Me? I'm bisexual- I don't understand it at all, to me a Bailey Jay or a Daisy Taylor would just be a kinky girlfriend representing the best of both words, but hey that's what I've read- that the audience for those kinds of things are mostly men who identify as straight. Certainly it's not a genre I've spent a lot of time on, myself, even if I do have an appreciation for it. So there must be something to it, since I'm not straight.

geasu wrote: I keep guessing and second guessing on repeat.


That'll get you nowhere. We can do that all day long, until we don't know our own names anymore- it's our superpower. Look. I've waffled over what I am forever. I've never been 'HOCD', but sure I've felt angst. You step outside the angst. Before that 'what if' moment (which I never had, because I'm Bi, and have been since 13), what did you look at? What did you fantasize about? What did you like? Who do you 'check out'? What is on your radar, and what isn't? Not rare stuff like the Futanari, not curiosity, not childhood experimentation. Just stuff that post-puberty floats your boat. And there's your answer, and with OCD, you have to make it your answer and stick with it.

I looked at all those things... and my waffling of many years ended- I'm bisexual. I'm not gay- but I'm not straight, either. Looked out outside of my angst, I clearly is what I is. And.. that took quite a lot of waffling and second guessing away. I reasoned it out, and decided well, I am that, that's my story and I'm sticking to it. And I don't let myself doubt, or question it.

A person has to out-stubborn their OCD tendencies.
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Re: Not sure if HOCD or in denial/closet

Postby geasu » Tue Sep 21, 2021 4:01 am

what did you look at? What did you fantasize about? What did you like? Who do you 'check out'?
If I can properly recall I believe it was always straight stuff that I would gravitate towards, but nowadays the OCD or whatever it is tells me that I'm wrong or was just looking at it to see a penis without feeling gay. This has been such a looooong year dealing with this thanks for always replying
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Re: Not sure if HOCD or in denial/closet

Postby Snaga » Tue Sep 21, 2021 4:31 pm

Well I would imagine it wouldn't be straight porn without a penis involved with a vagina somewhere. I don't recall ever concentrating on the penis in straight porn, other than it's doing what a person wants to see- a dude banging a chick. If there's a desire or need for penises for the sake of penises, well, seems to me you'd be looking at gay porn because you wanted to. If I look at it... it's because I want to. Because I'm thinking of penises. And I'm thinking of dudes banging dudes.

Unless it's solo photos of girls, it's hardly straight porn without the penis, and of course people will be wanting to see that penis get itself inside the hot girl in the porn. It's not homosexual to want to look at that. Since I'm Bi... I prefer the gay porn, myself. I 'check out' girls all the time, but I like watching penises, so I go for maximum effect.

Try to step out of the angst, and see what you like and don't like, and then draw conclusions based on that. I used to think I was nothing but gay at times, in my more angsty moments- but I know that's simply not true; I like girls too much. I had to step back and look at my habits dispassionately and take this aggravating obsessional behavior out of the equation. Otherwise a person just thinks and rethinks their mind into a soggy mush. Sexuality is fuzzy enough, without the OCD.
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Re: Not sure if HOCD or in denial/closet

Postby geasu » Wed Sep 22, 2021 11:06 am

What would even be the likelihood of finding out in adulthood? I find this whole thing surreal that I've gone so long not even thinking about this and whenever I would get the occasional thought I was able to just brush it off like it was nothing and I for a long as I can remember have had a obsession with boobs which is probably why I even like the female pov thing :/. It also hasn't helped that I for some reason seem to attract gay men, but that could also not mean anything
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Re: Not sure if HOCD or in denial/closet

Postby Snaga » Wed Sep 22, 2021 4:59 pm

Well, a subgenre of gay porn is supposed straight dudes doing it for the first time with another dude, so maybe those gay guys just want a virgin :mrgreen: Or maybe they just think you're very attractive.

While I suppose it's possible someone could discover they have Not Straight tendencies in adulthood, I find it on the improbable side. Partly because of my firm belief male sexuality is dialed in no later than adolescence, but also because I find it hard to believe someone could be that clueless beyond adolescence. I mean, a person might deny it, or explain it away, or pretend it doesn't exist... but it's really hard to get away from what turns you on. I mean if you asked me in my teenage/young adult years if I were straight or gay- and I felt comfortable enough to give an honest reply- I'd probably have said 'straight'. And I would have believed it. Because of all of the above- self denial, explaining it away, etc.

But that still didn't mean I was unaware that I thought about gay sex a LOT. Because I did. Because by any objective standard, I'm bisexual.

So I find it hard to see a guy as having been completely clueless past.. age 13 or 14 or 15. I used to belong to a now-defunct bisexual men's forum, and a lot of guys didn't rediscover their male attractions until their 30s, 40s, and 50s- but almost all of them had stories of how as adolescents, they had same-sex tendencies... then shoved them aside... until the thing couldn't be bottled up any longer. I'm not sure any of them were totally clueless, however. And no one- No One- on that forum was bent out of shape about it, the way people here in the OCD PF forum are. Because to none of us, was it an existential threat to our image of self. Which is what HOCD does, yes? On the contrary, we were there in that forum because we liked it.
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Re: Not sure if HOCD or in denial/closet

Postby geasu » Thu Sep 23, 2021 12:37 am

So a bit off topic as I'm curious about this. So I just had to get half my toe nail removed and already I'm getting a ton of panic about what if scenarios like it not growing back properly etc would that be ocd or something else?
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Re: Not sure if HOCD or in denial/closet

Postby Snaga » Thu Sep 23, 2021 3:42 am

Well you could be just being a hypochondriac but there is a lot of overlap. I mean, it's unwarranted anxiety, surely.
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Re: Not sure if HOCD or in denial/closet

Postby geasu » Thu Sep 23, 2021 8:26 am

So is autogynophilia or however it's spelled a straight fetish? I think I may have developed that when I first started trying to look up nude pictures of princess Leia and its slightly worrying
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Re: Not sure if HOCD or in denial/closet

Postby Snaga » Thu Sep 23, 2021 3:43 pm

geasu wrote:So is autogynophilia or however it's spelled a straight fetish? I think I may have developed that when I first started trying to look up nude pictures of princess Leia and its slightly worrying



What is it about those hair buns, anyway????? :mrgreen:

https://youtu.be/B97k5tB5i0Q



Well... the term was coined by a man who associated it with some types of transsexuals; however within that framework, it's a man who is sexually aroused by the idea of being a sexy woman- while not being himself homosexual, if I understand it correctly. Someone with autogynephila isn't attracted to males. They simply want to be like the object of their desire. The short definition, is 'a male's propensity to be sexually aroused by the thought of himself as a female'.

Now, I happen to like penises, so I can't say I'm completely that- but I tell you, if I were magically transformed into a sexy young woman, I'd spend several of the first hours of being one, by staring at myself nude in front of a full length mirror. Or, as Beavis once said, 'If I had boobs, I'd buy a mirror so I could look at them'. Heh, heheheh.
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