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is this pocd or am i a pedophile?

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is this pocd or am i a pedophile?

Postby cursedforever4312 » Tue Apr 13, 2021 4:50 am

this post might be long but it would be more than anything to me if you could read this and share your thoughts.

so there are two main incidents that mainly contributes to daily suffering pocd. so i have already talked about it in another post and i will just copy past it here.

so one of the main reason for my pocd is my childhood sexual experimentation when i was 11-13so i have already posted about the incident and i will past it here again

so when i was around 11-13, i experimented with my little sister. she was like 6-8 years old then. i know this sounds disguising . i know. i don't know how many times i thought of commiting suicide. i am sorry if someone found this disturbing. so basically my sister sat on my lap and was drawing. after some time she slept while sitting. i suddenly noticed that she was not wearing any undergarment inside her frock. that was the first time i saw a lady part that close. i don't know how to react. i suddenly start to touch it and then start to masturbate myself thinking i am touching a adult women's privates.. i know it sounds disguising and i am a piece of $#%^ who should rot in hell. but i promise, i never thinked of the circumstances or how much morally bad it is. even though i was 11 or 12 , i will never say what i did was right. this thing hurts me daily. i am having a severe ptsd because of this. each time my sister talks to me nicely or do something , i cry a lot asking how was i able to do something to my sister like this. i love my sister to death and i cannot belive i did that

so my main fear includes the fear of losing control and the fear of harming some child for my sexual satisfaction. i don't know how to react to these thoughts. i still remember of the mindset i had when i did that to my sister and it still freaks me out. remembering what i did then makes me feel like it won't take much time for me to do it again. i never want to do anything like that. but sometimes i get some reasons and urges to molest a kid. i never got those before. now whenever i see a little girl, i remember what i did to my sister and it freaks me out. when ever i see a little girl wearing a skirt , suddenly i remember what i did to my sister and i will get the mindset that i had then and it really freaks me out. i don't know what should i do. i don't know how to react to thest thoughts. a lot of people says i am seeking a lot of reassurance which is not good for me so probably this is my last post and honestly i would really appreciate if anyone having similar experience help me.

i am never planning to marry . no girl deserves a monster like me. i really don't want to hurt my own children or sexually abuse them. but these intrusive thoughts i have makes me feel like i do want to. i don't know how to react if i see a kid naked. do anyone have any idea of euthanasia for pocd? i cannot do this anymore and i cannot afford a theraphy too

also i am a 18yo male and never fantasized children in sexual way



so next comes some main incidents that keep saying me that these were the proof that i am a pedophile in denial



so i remember last year there was a little girl who live next to my house came to my house and asked me help for her homework. she was like 9 years old. i was 17 then i guess. so when she came to me, and asked for help, my mom told me to take her to my room to teach her as there was construction work going outside my area. so we both gone into my room after going into my room, that little girl asked me to close the door as it was noisy outside. suddenly i said no to it. because i felt even it is a little girl it is inappropriate to be alone with her in a room closed. i don't know why i thought like that. but now i feel like i said her to keep the door open because i was scared that i would abuse her. i mean i never thinked of kids sexually but if i thinked that it is inappropriate to be in room with a little girl, does that mean i am a person who can sexualize children? I really don't know weather my experimentation plays a role in this. but why did i said her to open the door? was i scared that i might cause harm to her?



also this is not the first time incidents like this happen. i remember if i played with a kid, i will be very careful even i should not accedentlly touch their private parts in anyway. i will never leave myself with kids alone. i always thought that it is inappropriate to be like that.

i never felt comfortable if a person carries kids in a inappropriate way. for example if a person carry his kid by grabbing the butt, i would feel very uncomfortable and inappropriate.

now all this things makes me feel that i am a crazy person. i don't what i am anymore. i mean if i am normal person, i would've not felt uncomfortable with a little girl in room locked right? so does that mean i don't have any belief on myself? what in the world am i ? i know a pedophile would have persistent sexual intrest in children. but in my case i never sexualized or fantazised children sexually. i found the idea itself as gross. what in the world am i ? am i even a human? does this some kind of disorder? what in the world am i ? it this is a disorder, does this has a name? am i a sicko? am i even deserve to live ? i really cannot afford a theraphist to go to them.

also i really don't know what kind of psycologist should i go to? should i go to a ocd specalist or a general counselling psycologist? i don't know



i know asking for reassurance is not going to help. but atleast this one time can someone please tell me what is wrong with me exactly? is there any way out of this other than suicide?
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POCD OR PEDOPHILLIA

Postby cursedforever4312 » Tue Apr 13, 2021 12:36 pm

Hello at this point of time i really don't know if i am a pedophile or not. infact i don't even know what i am . i am really confused after reading the definitions of pocd and pedophillia. so what is the difference between a pocd person and a pedophillic person?
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Re: is this pocd or am i a pedophile?

Postby Snaga » Tue Apr 13, 2021 4:55 pm

Hello, and welcome to the forums!

As far as who to see, it's always better to see someone who specialises in OCD- or at least understands it and how it works.

I think it would be obvious if you were really a pedophile. What you've described is in my mind, one of those dumb things kids do when they become sexually aware and start having hormones. Kids do a ton of inappropriate things that they'd never dream of doing, as an adult. From my experience, both personally and reading stories in forum, I'd say those ages you were are the most likely time for that kind of action. you're not that child any longer and I think you're being far too harsh on yourself.
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Re: is this pocd or am i a pedophile?

Postby cursedforever4312 » Tue Apr 13, 2021 5:23 pm

Snaga wrote:Hello, and welcome to the forums!

As far as who to see, it's always better to see someone who specialises in OCD- or at least understands it and how it works.

I think it would be obvious if you were really a pedophile. What you've described is in my mind, one of those dumb things kids do when they become sexually aware and start having hormones. Kids do a ton of inappropriate things that they'd never dream of doing, as an adult. From my experience, both personally and reading stories in forum, I'd say those ages you were are the most likely time for that kind of action. you're not that child any longer and I think you're being far too harsh on yourself.

well i tried to talk to some normal counselling psycologists. the only answer i got from them is "forgive yourself and moveon". i mean the fact that is killing is that i still remember what i did then. i remember then i just hugged my sister and felt her soft skin and aroused by it. it was the same time. but having these memories makes me worry that it might not take a long time for me to do it again. i remember when i saw my sister's privates for the first time, the first thing i did was this. what if i will have a daughter in the future and if i want to do something like bathing her and what if i did somethign inappropriate to her? i mean i think i won't be considered as a pedophile because i never fantasised children in sexual way. but i feel like if i want to i can sexualize children and i don't know this thought is true but it is giving me panic attacks now and then. sadly here in india there are no psycologist who treat these subtypes . each day is like hell
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Re: is this pocd or am i a pedophile?

Postby Snaga » Tue Apr 13, 2021 5:52 pm

Hello again- um, I'm maybe OSDD and I'm coming off a quick switch from another personality who's still kind of half here, so forgive me if my style of writing doesn't match what we wrote before.

YES you have to forgive yourself and move on. Kids do $#%^, plain and simple. You're not a kid any more. That person don't exist no more. You gonna have to learn to let it go, dude.

cursedforever4312 wrote: i mean i think i won't be considered as a pedophile because i never fantasised children in sexual way. but i feel like if i want to i can sexualize children


Dude. A lot of people with OCD in this forum fall into that trap. Look I have had intrusive harm thoughts and harm OCD for most of our life. And I can sit all day and think how easy it would be to just like go downstairs and end my partner's life. Because that's what intrusive harm thoughts do. Harm OCD is usually pets and loved ones, so my intrusive harm thoughts are actually pretty damn mundane and common with OCD. But it feels like oh my god it's so easy what's going to keep me from doing it? Well, you're going to keep you from doing it. I've had decades to do something terrible, and I have not. I think it's safe to say that it isn't going to happen. Well that's the attitude you have to take- you hadn't been a pedo. What makes you think you're going to become one? Just because it'd be easy to molest a kid? So? If you wanted to, and it is easy, you'd have done it. I learned to not worry about my intrusive harm thoughts until I've actually acted on one. Then I'll worry about it- not before. Dont' worry about things you don't want to do and have an innate aversion to doing. People with OCD fall into this trap of 'if I think it I could do it, if I could do it I might do it, therefore I am a monster'

reality really isn't that way. Thoughts are not actions.
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Re: is this pocd or am i a pedophile?

Postby cursedforever4312 » Wed Apr 14, 2021 9:43 am

Snaga wrote:Hello again- um, I'm maybe OSDD and I'm coming off a quick switch from another personality who's still kind of half here, so forgive me if my style of writing doesn't match what we wrote before.

YES you have to forgive yourself and move on. Kids do $#%^, plain and simple. You're not a kid any more. That person don't exist no more. You gonna have to learn to let it go, dude.

cursedforever4312 wrote: i mean i think i won't be considered as a pedophile because i never fantasised children in sexual way. but i feel like if i want to i can sexualize children


Dude. A lot of people with OCD in this forum fall into that trap. Look I have had intrusive harm thoughts and harm OCD for most of our life. And I can sit all day and think how easy it would be to just like go downstairs and end my partner's life. Because that's what intrusive harm thoughts do. Harm OCD is usually pets and loved ones, so my intrusive harm thoughts are actually pretty damn mundane and common with OCD. But it feels like oh my god it's so easy what's going to keep me from doing it? Well, you're going to keep you from doing it. I've had decades to do something terrible, and I have not. I think it's safe to say that it isn't going to happen. Well that's the attitude you have to take- you hadn't been a pedo. What makes you think you're going to become one? Just because it'd be easy to molest a kid? So? If you wanted to, and it is easy, you'd have done it. I learned to not worry about my intrusive harm thoughts until I've actually acted on one. Then I'll worry about it- not before. Dont' worry about things you don't want to do and have an innate aversion to doing. People with OCD fall into this trap of 'if I think it I could do it, if I could do it I might do it, therefore I am a monster'

reality really isn't that way. Thoughts are not actions.

hey thankyou somuch it really means a lot. so the fact that is killing me is that the last time when i saw a little girl naked(when i was 13) i did something horrific like this. i am really worried that what if oneday i became a parent and i want to see my daughter in that position and what if i lost my control? i mean i never want that to happen but the problem is i cannot get certainity. like what if i will offend in the future? what if i lose control my control and offend a child? thoughts like these really just not letting me to moveon
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Re: is this pocd or am i a pedophile?

Postby Snaga » Wed Apr 14, 2021 5:33 pm

You're going to have to not worry about losing control- if you didn't have control, you wouldn't have stopped doing dumb kid stuff in the first place.
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Re: is this pocd or am i a pedophile?

Postby CammieMe » Thu Apr 15, 2021 12:08 am

Hi there. Once you get a daughter of your own, you'll have a stronger reason to resist this thought. It's different when you become a parent. Don't think that you'll lose control. Just take over your thoughts and be the boss of your own mind. I know it's easier said than done, but you can do it.
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Re: is this pocd or am i a pedophile?

Postby cursedforever4312 » Thu Apr 15, 2021 7:59 am

CammieMe wrote:Hi there. Once you get a daughter of your own, you'll have a stronger reason to resist this thought. It's different when you become a parent. Don't think that you'll lose control. Just take over your thoughts and be the boss of your own mind. I know it's easier said than done, but you can do it.

does that mean i will get thoughts to molest my own daughter? am i a pedophile?
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am i the only one who thinks this way?

Postby cursedforever4312 » Fri Apr 16, 2021 6:46 pm

tw childhood experimentation


so my main reason for my pocd is because of my childhood experimentation that i carried out at the age of 13. i basically touched my sister in her private parts and masturbated myself. the things that kills me is the fact that my sister was only 6 then i guess.

i understand what did was wrong

so my main concern is that i am 18 now and i am worried that i am capable of sexualizing a little girl. i don't know if that is true. but these thoughts are not allowing me to move around. i never fantasized about children and never even thinked of them in sexually way.

but now after i got this pocd, for reassuring when ever i see a kid, i suddenly imagine them nude and suddenly i am remembering what i did to my little sister. this really is not allowing me from moving on. i don't what should i do.

also my sister dosen't know i did this to her. i love her to my death and still now we have a very good relationship and i never found any kids sexually attractive.
Last edited by Snaga on Sat Apr 17, 2021 5:20 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: merged into existing thread, no edits
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